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Transfer Essay: Meaningful interest to complete the application.


Jo1nnyJiang 3 / 10 1  
May 3, 2016   #1
Hi, everyone, this is my Purdue transfer essay! I appreciate any help and please feel free to give me feedback about the grammar, the structure, the logic, or the sentences to be more concise! Thanks in advance!

Topic: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Word limit: 250-650

Essay:
Some people prefer seats by the window, as they think looking out of the window helps spread their nerves and broaden their minds. One day, when I was sitting in front of my desk and looked out of the window, I saw a pretty bird flying back to a clumsy yet colorful handmade borrow, which reminded me of my childhood borrow. Memories flash back and I saw the nine-year-old me sitting in the yard of my childhood house and trying to build a burrow, of which the excitements can still be tasted, like it never fades.

Some people are lucky to have found their interest early in life, but I have found my interest of applied physics through countless attempts.
When I first went to school at 6 and learned about science, I found it so fascinating to find ways to use them. I still remember my first design is an auto-filling drinking bottle for my bunny as a demonstration of the siphon phenomenon - a pipe filled with water introduced it from a higher tank. As the position of water in the bottle decreased, the pressure would push the water from the tank inside the bottle until it was full. I admired the display for a couple of days and my chest was swelled with feelings of satisfy.

I believe it is the moment of enlightenment, which leads me to identify my interest. Such is the feature of Chinese education, that students spend tons of time in studying but minor of it in using the knowledge. Bored of the limitations in applying my knowledge, I enrolled in an education program to teach high school students physics for a winter.

One good thing about being a teacher is when you are solving puzzles of the students you are actually using your knowledge. One day, a student came to me asking about the Ideal gas Law. To illustrate the point, instead of drawing pictures on the paper, I brought over a toothpaste. It was so vivid and easy to understand the law, witnessing the toothpaste squirting out of the pipe as the volume decreased which increased the pressure and pushed them out. Not only the student left with satisfy smile on his face, but the emptiness I felt in study was filled with sense of accomplishment.

That is the most important thing that I am interested in applied physics. Everything, every object that we encounter in life can be related to physics knowledge we have learned in school. I am quite fond of the connections between life and knowledge, which are the connections of reality and theory. Steve Jobs has talked about connecting the dots on one of his speeches, about which I find it is concise. People tend to regard it as one of the most important moments in their life, at which they find the significance of studying and everything they have done. It is the moment that I know I can't spend my life reciting the tedious names of the sewage treatment processes, or working on the names and definitions over and over again without getting to know how to use it.

When I was 18, I read a quote that went, "A small bite of your courage can turn your life around". For the first time in my life, I want to do something without being utilitarian. I want to major in applied physics as I like it from the bottom of my heart, but not for the exam we need to pass, or easiness to graduate. The sun rises from the horizon and light up the sky. I look out of the window and picture myself walking through the gate of Purdue, which is so real that urges me to pull up my courage to seek for the opportunities to develop my interest, because it is going to be a dawn in my life.
enzyk 2 / 3  
May 3, 2016   #2
I found it so fascinating to find ways to[s] use them. ways to use my new knowledge
I still remember my first design is first design was
I admired the display for a couple of days and my chest was swelled with feelings of satisfy . and felt contentment that comes with hard work
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
May 3, 2016   #3
Hi Jiang, it is with utmost respect that I write this insights to your essay.
Respect as I believe, pursuing your passion, continue learning and aim for greater aspect of education.

Overall, your essay is written fairly well. The essay depicts your desire to pursue your education in this institution and the good thing about this essay is that, you were able to showcase a creative writing without ruining the purpose of the essay, what I mean to say is, you definitely remained focus, form the beginning of the essay, till the conclusion and at the same time, the essay stayed strong. Your sentence construction is also carefully laid out, in the sense that the words you use to associate your ideas are well selected.

Furthermore, your conclusion has a huge impact, the realization of things and the passion to pursue a good education is a noble pursuit to be great, not only for yourself but to be of service to others.
Arachnid 3 / 14 6  
May 30, 2016   #4
Hey there!

I'll try to focus on the flow as the content is really nice!

Okay so:
you say "the window" a bit too much in the first few sentences which ruins the flow for me, but then again if you change too many times it could also ruin the flow

I don't like the phrase "pretty bird" is there anything else you can say about it? If the bird isn't important, then you can remove "pretty" to get to the point

I think you meant "burrow" not "borrow"

Memories flash back and I saw the nine-year-old me sitting in the yard of my childhood house and trying to build a burrow, of which the excitements can still be tasted, like it never fades. - this is worded a bit clunky, "saw" is past tense, but you're past tense in the memory already, so it should be "see"? instead if "the nine" you should just say "I see my nine year old self" and instead of "and trying to" just remove "and" instead of "like it never fades" you can say "unable to fade" or "impossible to fade"

Some people are lucky to have found their interest early in life, but I have found my interest of applied physics through countless attempts. - you go with time, then for yourself you go to experiences - either say it takes others few attempts and keep your multiple attempts, or change it so you took a longer time, keep it consistent

When I first went to school at 6 and learned about science, I ... - "I first learned about science when I was six, the first time I attended school. I found it fascinating how science can be applied to various things"

I still remember my first design is an auto-filling drinking bottle - "I still remember my first design, it was an"

I admired the display for a couple of days ... - I admired the display for days as my chest continued to swell with satisfaction

I hope these help, hopefully they give a goo example of how to restate your sentences and create a nice coherent flow.


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