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GT transfer application essay-- what interest you about your field of study


xutong 3 / 6  
Feb 26, 2016   #1
I've always wanted to be a guy in hope that one day people would stop thinking I'm not as intelligent as guys or I could not do the job guys can do. But I am fortunate to be born in Beijing, where although I might not be treated as equally, at least I could go to school.

A lot of women in the other side of the world are in much worst place than I did though.
With computer engineering, I want to build cheaper, more accessible computers for women living in underdeveloped countries or places that information is not accessible. I want them to be exposed to the information and education we are getting and let them choose what they want in their lives. I hate it when politicians say "this is a serious problem but we can't solve it right now". Their lives can't wait and their happiness can't wait.

this is what i have so far; I feel like it needs something; and i have no idea how to make it better:(( plz help

Hiddengrace 6 / 119 68  
Feb 26, 2016   #2
Hi Ivy! Your essay is definitely lacking. It's very short and it doesn't give the reader or admissions committee enough to truly get to know you. I'm also not sure about your choice to open the essay by saying you've always wished to be male. Maybe there is another way that you can say you feel as a female there are less opportunities.

For your essay, think about your past, and how the experiences you have had have impacted your plans and goals for the future. What are your plans and goals? What do you plan to do with your education once you have it? What drives you to select this particular program? What is it about the school, program curriculum, etc... interests you? What are your academic goals? How will you pursue them in this program?

You "want to build cheaper, more accessible computers for women living in underdeveloped countries". Why is this important to you? How will you do this? Why does that phrase said by politicians bother you so much? How will you change that? How will this education help you change that?
OP xutong 3 / 6  
Feb 26, 2016   #3
I've always wanted to be a girl in hope that one day, I'll be considered equal as men. At least at my hometown, women are considered not suitable for science or engineering subjects because we are "not as intelligent". On the other side, I am fortunate to be born here in Beijing, because I have the chance to go to school, to become good at science disciplines, and to peruse something I think is so interesting and mysterious -computer engineering.

A lot of women in other developing countries or underdeveloped countries are in much worst place than I have been though. When I was working on a project for my club Purdue Utility Project (where we build cars for Cameroon, Africa at a incredibly low cost), I ran across this story where Cameroonian women iron their breasts to make them less attractive to men. They thought it is their fault that men assault them-even rape them. This story horrifies me. And it scares me even more that if I were born in Cameroon, I would have done exactly the same thing while thinking it is right to do so. Having seen a lot of female who think they are inferior to male because they weren't exposed to the same education and information I was getting, I know I need to help them.

With computer engineering, I want to build cheaper, more accessible computers for women living in underdeveloped countries or places that information is not accessible. I want them to get the information and education we are getting and let them choose what they want in their lives.

In my high school's politics class, my teacher always said "yes, we do want to help them (women in underdeveloped countries), but there is nothing we can do right now". I hate it when she says that. And I'm going to make changes happen.

//Thank you guys so much for reading my essay for me, I'll go ahead and read through your guys' too.
//I updated it a little bit if it's a little better?
Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Mar 1, 2016   #4
Hi Ivy, this was an improvement but still a lot can be written . Firstly, your introduction that "Not as intelligent", seems like you are quite pissed off at this situation. Try to avoid showing your anger in the essay, may be in a milder form. Secondly the reason you gave that you came across a woman which made you think that you should help the women. But why you think that you can help such women by building computers. You said in your essay, that they are not accessible to information and knowledge because they are not allowed, then how will they be allowed to access computers even if they are cheap. Again, the teacher said that we can not help . You need to exemplify that why teacher said so, what made you to ask her for help. Why this circumstance arose? You need to build computers, then may be should give the reason , build computers for those who cannot progress because of low financial support. This is the example, you can think accordingly. But your reason is not going with your aim of computers. You need to relate your motivation with your goal of study. Give explanations and reasons of every assumption you make in the essay and try that they are interrelated. Your goal of computers cannot help the women you came across. If you think so, then explain more how it will help them. Sorry if I am making you think more, but you can write much more better because you have the passion :)
sn98 1 / 2  
Mar 4, 2016   #5
Great! I love it... only thing, you should make it clearer that youre a girl...


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