Transferring from Wright College to Rockford College

I am currently a student at Wright College and I am a planning on transferring to Rockford College. I've been through an awful lot since I started school back in 2007. I fell below the transfer requirement for Rockford.

Prompt: Your essay must include the following:

1. Circumstances that have affected your academic experience
2. Steps you are going to take to ensure your success at college
3. Your personal goals and why they are important to you

I also may include any extracurricular activities/achievements that are relevant.

I respectfully am petitioning my admission to Rockford College for the fall semester of 2009. The circumstances that have affected my academic experience were my lack of organization and study skills, family situations, and my last job. In August of 2007, I attended Northeastern Illinois University full-time, while maintaining a full-time job. When my first semester began, I seemed to be handling school and work very well. As the semester went on, it became very difficult; I began to receive more assignments and all at one time. I began slacking off in some classes and doing half the work believing that it would get me by. In December, I had received a letter stating that I was on academic probation at Northeastern and if I did not maintain the GPA needed to attend I would be dropped after the spring semester. After reading the letter, I was crushed.

Before my spring semester started, I decided to change my hours at work. I went to just working the weekends to focus more on school during the week. When cutting my hours, it showed a huge improvement because I was able to focus more on school and my homework. During the middle of my spring semester, my mother lost her job, which was rough for my family at the time. I began working more hours to contribute to the household. I began slacking off again due to the numerous hours. In May, I received another letter stating that I was not eligible to attend Northeastern. To read another letter, was heart breaking. It's as if I saw my future falling apart.

After being dropped from Northeastern without a job because I quit. I attended Truman College in the summer and fall of 2008. I completed the summer session, but during the fall semester I dropped out due to family problems. My mother was laid off from her job, which is when I made the decision to get my job back. I received my job and worked full-time so I can pay bills, buy groceries, and maintain a stable household for my mother and siblings. With me working so much, I began to grow tired and stressed. My mother and I began to fight and bicker with each other about me working so much and about me being tired and stressed all the time. After dealing with the hardship, I decided to go back to school in the spring of 2009 at Wright College. I decided to move with my father and I am currently living with him. I do not have a job at all so I can focus more on my studies and homework. While attending Wright College, I have improved my organization and study skills, and my grades.

In preparation for my success at Rockford College, I plan to continue improving my study skills by joining a study group, receiving outside tutoring from my classmates and professors. Hopefully, joining the softball, track and field, or cross-country team, which will allow me to stay on top of my grades by having the motivation of a sport, which is the tactic I used in high school. The personal goals I have are to successfully graduate from a prestigious college as Rockford College with a degree in elementary education or English in secondary education. Also, to receive a job again, which will help me learn time management better; however, I will receive a job through Rockford College's work-study program. These goals are important to me because it will prove to myself that I can be a successful student, employee, and citizen. Thank you for considering my request.

I think you should cut almost the whole first paragraph, because it makes you seem like a slacker. Start like this:

I respectfully am petitioning my admission to Rockford College for the fall semester of 2009. (Now write something about your goals for the future and why Rockford offers what you need -- and mention a specific resource or program at their school. Then, tell them that difficult circumstances caused your academic performance to suffer and that the transcript does not accurately reflect your potential. End the first para, and start telling the story in para #2:

The circumstances that have affected my academic experience were my lack of organization and study skills, family situations, and my last job. In August of 2007, I attended Northeastern Illinois University full-time (no comma necessary here) while maintaining a full-time job. When my first semester began, I seemed to be handling school and work very well. As the semester went on, it became very difficult; I began to receive more assignments and all at one time. I began slacking off in some classes and doing half the work believing that it would get me by. In December, I had received a letter stating that I was on academic probation at Northeastern and if I did not maintain the GPA needed to attend I would be dropped after the spring semester. After reading the letter, I was crushed.

Good luck with this!!!

Yes, you want to revise this essay to make sure you give a better impression of yourself. At the moment, you admit to being a poor student and a quitter -- hardly the qualities admissions officers look for in a prospective student. Focus the essay entirely on your job, and how you needed the money, but it ate into your study time, and caused family problems, which made focusing on academics even more difficult, etc. You were a victim of circumstance, of the harsh financial realities that many families cannot avoid. The goal here isn't to honestly admit your flaws, but to spin a story that will cause the admissions people to agree to overlook hard evidence that you probably aren't the best student, namely your transcripts. So, you need to appeal to their compassion.