Please give me some constructive advise for essay. Thanks in advance!
TOEFL: Many students have to live with roommates while going to school or university. What are some of the important qualities of a good roommate? Use specific reasons and examples to explain why these qualities are important.
Whether you admit or not, having a good college roommate will unquestionably make our college life more colorful and joyful. However, what are some of the good qualities we can often find in a good roommate? From my point of view, I strongly advocate that qualities of a good roommate are a combination of honesty, intelligence and empathy.
To start with, being honest means that you and your roommate will treat each other with integrity instead of sabotage
each other behind the scene. As a result, you can fully trust your roommate if you desperately need a honesty feedback from your roommate on which you may feel uncomfortable sharing with your parents. For example, assuming you failed an exam, you did not know where things went wrong and wanted to hear some ruthless but honest feedback to help you pass the exam next time. In that case, you can always count on your good roommate who knows your studying habits and are willing to make some constructive suggestions to you.
What's more, being intelligent also plays a big role in being a good roommate. For instance, it is common to be inspired by some of your roommate's ideas when you are discussing your dreams in the dormitory late night. Furthermore, you and your highly intelligent roommate may have a good chance ending up creating the next Google or iPhone. Please bear in mind that knowledge is power.
Third, being empathetic will undoubtedly make your roommate the first person you turn to when you are having a hard time. For example, you had a big fight with your parents over a trivial thing, which made you feel upset and distressed. Then, you turned to your roommate for a comfort to alleviate psychological damages who you knew from the past would support you and give your confidence. Those psychological motivations and empathetic understandings will give you a boost in the real life.
In conclusion, based on the three reason mentioned above, I am convinced that qualities of a good roommate are made up with honesty, intelligence and empathy. Additionally, I hope all of us will turn our good college roommates into lifelong friends who will constantly stand by our side no matter what situations we are facing.
Nile, I am not really familiar with TOEFL essays but I have some valuable experiences in composing IELTS essays. I reckon that both type of essays are quite similar. Either TOEFL or IELTS writing needs to be elaborated academically. Now, when we are talking about academic writing, we are not supposed to use personal pronouns (we, our, us, you, I). However, IELTS or TOEFL writing is another story. Those type of essays might use personal pronoun(s) but over-using them are not suggested either. For example, in IELTS or TOEFL you are allowed to use personal pronoun(s) in introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph in order to deliver your own opinion.
With regards to your essay, I think the usage of personal pronouns were too many. Somehow, it also convey different interpretation among readers. For instance, when you mention "you can fully trust your roommate...", not all readers are having the same issue as yours. Another example, when you write "it is common to be inspired by some of your roommate's ideas...", not all readers are inspired by their roommate's ideas. These can be considered as over-generalizing idea. Therefore, let me help you to paraphrase these sentences to be better academically.
- "you can fully trust your roommate..."some people might think that they can trust their roommates if...
- "it is common to be inspired by some of your roommate's ideas..."It is believed that roommate's ideas are somehow inspiring for some people.
Thank you for these great advices! I did not notice this issue until you pointed it out for me.
In my next essay, I will try to use less personal pronouns as you suggested:)
