Tufts IDENTITY

Please read/review/critique. Any suggestions are welcome

Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

I've eaten frog's legs in Singapore. Ultra-chewy, like rather slimy chicken, I thought (or was that my imagination?). Nothing like my favourite foods: curd rice or sushi. That's because I believe in trying everything at least once.

I'm addicted to spontaneity. In the thick of compiling data for a moot court, I rev up my grey cells by cartooning or writing a short story. I can shuttle between baking and badminton without missing a beat.

I take to challenges as spontaneously as Neil Armstrong did to the moon. I play soccer, unlike other girls in my circle. I thrilled to the headiness of parasailing at Goa, even river-crossing at Yercaud last year. My buckling legs did make it to the Cauvery fishing camp on the last stretch of our trek. One day, I've promised myself a bungee jump.

My will to conquer the unknown is strong. I once taught myself the guitar. The result did not sound much like caterwauling.
I have a riot taking my father on, rooting for Arsenal while he backs Chelsea! Or even better, arguing with our school principal about Kashmir!

I know beyond doubt that I have individuality and drive enough to excel at Tufts.

Hi P,
A LOT of personal expression, very colorful and imaginative, but the variety did not quite answer the prompt except in your last sentence:"I know beyond doubt that I have individuality and drive enough to excel at Tufts." Is that your intention?


I don't think "thrilled" is a verb:

In the spirit of spontaneity, it seems right that you wrote this in a sort of formless way, but actually I think it would be better with some form. At least a little, so it does not just seem like a list of things. However, I list of things is what they ask for! So, it is good. But how about adding just a little form by starting it with a topic sentence that establishes the theme.

Oh, wait a minute, okay, I see how you start with the frog legs thing to capure attention and then give the theme as the thesis sentence ending that small first para. But how about adding the sentence with the word "addicted" to that first para and doing the paragraph break just before this:

I take to challenges as...

and move this sentence to the end:
I take to challenges as spontaneously as Neil Armstrong did to the moon. I play soccer, unlike other girls in my circle. I thrilled to the headiness of parasailing at Goa, even river-crossing at Yercaud last year. My buckling legs did make it to the Cauvery fishing camp on the last stretch of our trek. One day, I've promised myself a bungee jump. In the thick of compiling data for a moot court, I rev up my grey cells by cartooning or writing a short story. I can shuttle between baking and badminton without missing a beat.

and my last comment is that your concluding sentence seems kind of random. It should be a sentence about that theme of spontaneity... perhaps about a particular quality of the school that makes it the right place for someone who appreciates spontaneous action.