Tufts Self-identity

Please give me feedback on this essay. I'll critique yours in return.

Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

I eat lunch with people from every (inhabited) continent. Sharing their enthusiasm for their cultures, I now indulge in Japanese dramas and Swedish pop. However, I do not own an iPod; constantly inventing beats and melodies, I need time to cultivate my own creativity.

I believe words like "dream" and "determination" mean well, but have been unjustly worn down by clichés. New words need to be invented to revive them. I save the slips of paper encased in fortune cookies, and I would love to meet Peter Singer to discuss his vision for ending poverty.

As an animal lover, I insist on releasing spiders into the wild, rather than smashing them with shoes. As an environmentalist, I try to recycle every scrap of paper possible-from receipts to can labels.

I like hiking, wear bootcut jeans, and truly enjoy community service. I jog up and down staircases, love cookie dough ice cream, and have found that people aren't as full of hate as they claim.

I am an amalgamation of different thoughts and interests and opinions. Diversity, idealism, and passion-put them in the people-processor machine and whoop! Out pops _______, ready to take her place in Tufts, Class of 2014.

ooo~ same prompt :]
I like your first line, but it jumps from food, to cultures, to beats, and creativity...bit of a jumble


what do you mean here? isn't making beats creative? or did you mean something else


nice~ will this be your "voice"? however, what does this have to do with the next sentence about fortune cookie slips? and how does Peter Singer connect with slips of paper?

Animal lover..woah. you were just talking about food. now the beasts themselves?


ok..I'm sort of getting your flow; it's different to say the least. about the they here, are you saying that people claim to be hateful? or that most people are not as full of hate as many claim they are. :?

I like the "I am an amalgamation..." lol. funny. wish people could be packaged like that. would make for great new years presents.

Feedback. hm. what to say, it's a lot of information, but you don't specifically say what form your


. Also you don't quite reflect on what voice you will bring. maybe you can focus each short paragraph on those three things:


and work to make your ideas flow more because without an intro, each idea stands on its own until an somewhat concluded ending.

constantly inventing beats and melodies, I need time to cultivate my own creativity. (lol well this entire part's supposed to be connected to why i don't own an iPod)

The fortune cookies and Singer are all supposed to connect to idealism

Ok I'll try to work on making them blend together more. Thanks!

"I am an amalgamation of different thoughts and interests and opinions. Diversity, idealism, and passion-put them in the people-processor machine and whoop! Out pops _______, ready to take her place in Tufts, Class of 2014."

should that period be a dash instead? this is nit picky part of writing is not my forte, but it just doesn't seem to flow as nicely as the rest of the paragraph. other than that I found it very interesting, much better than mine. 3 more hours to go till you have to hit submit, so best of luck.

Here's my take:

I eat lunch with people from every (inhabited) continent. Sharing their enthusiasm for their cultures, I now indulge in Japanese dramas and Swedish pop. However,Yet, I do not own an iPod; constantly. Rather, I invent my own beats and melodies, as I need time to cultivate my own creativity.

I believe words like "dream" and "determination" mean well, but have been unjustly worn down by clichés. New words need to be invented to revive them. I save the slips of paper encased in fortune cookies, and I would love to meet Peter Singer to discuss his vision for ending poverty.

As an animal lover, I insist on releasing spiders into the wild, rather than smashing them with shoes. As an environmentalist, I try to recycle every scrap of paper possible-from receipts to can labels.

I like hiking, wear bootcut jeans, and truly enjoy community serviceand I do community service purely out of altruism . I jog up and down staircases, love cookie dough ice cream, and have found that people aren't as full of hate as they claim.

I am an amalgamation of different thoughts and interests and opinions. Diversity, idealism, and passion-put them in the people-processor machine and whoop! Out pops _______, ready to take her place in Tufts, Class of 2014.

It's kind of random, but I feel that may have wanted it this way; I won't mess with that. Good luck! If you can, please help me!

should it be a colon? i already have a dash in that sentence. i suck at this kind of grammar, too.

I'm pretty sure you can use the dashes, it adds emphasis to what you are saying, as well as provides more detail, which is what I read following a quick Google search...gotta love the internet. Also a colon followed by a dash just seems awkward. I don't write thinking about mechanics, I just write by feel and the colon dash combo feels awkward, hard to explain.