Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. [250-500 words]
This is my first draft, if you could please help me on anything you notice needs fixing would be greatly appreciated. Any comments on my focus would be great as well. Thanks in advance! :)
What Tuned Me In
Soft lullabies. My mother would hum to me as I dozed to sleep. This is where it began. My love for singing. Constant humming and singing to just about any tune I hear. This is where my family got the idea. They all wanted me to join chorus. In fourth grade, a student could join chorus at my elementary school. It was one of the biggest steps in my life, so far, that I would take. That year, when given the option, I was so scared and nervous to formally share my voice with others. Do not get me wrong, it was only fourth grade and I was nine. Even my oldest sister, Julie, tried to convince me with a promised trip one day to visit New York City if I joined. Little did I know that chorus would become so much more important to me than a trip to anywhere. While I did choose to do chorus that year, it was more than joining itself that would affect my life.
Taking that step was my first act of involvement in a school based activity. It taught me to get over my fears and join because it is something that I love. Because I learned that doing what you love is most important. Once you get over your fears, you can achieve anything. As a child, I was more timid and going on stage in front of a crowd seemed especially frightening. However, over the years, the more concerts I had, the less nervous I became. More confidence built in each hour long concert that I was on the stage for. In a matter of years of being in chorus I changed. From a shy girl to a confident singer.
As middle school began, I stuck with chorus because of my growing affinity with the class. Chorus in middle school brought on more opportunities for my voice to be heard. My teacher, Mr. Leister, had encouraged me to try out for the Select Choir and in sixth grade, I made it. Being a part of chorus tested me in ways that regular classes could not. It allowed my creativity to flow and be inspired to test my self in ways other than studying.
Although I no longer do chorus, you can still catch me singing almost every moment of the day. Chorus may have stopped for me, but my voice will forever hum on. Though nerve-racking at first, joining chorus is one of the most important steps I have taken and experienced in life so far. I know it was the right decision to step out of my comfort zone and put what I love to use. La, la, la.
Your essay is great! The idea behind it is really strong and well articulated. There are some things that you could do to make it flow a little better. Other than that, it is a really good essay!
This is where it began. My love for singing.
This is where my love for singing began.(sounds choppy leaving it like that. Or maybe putting a semicolon to allow it to flow better)Little did I know that chorus would become so much more important to me(I would get rid of this because it is implied) than a trip to just anywhere
Because I learned that doing what you love is most important.
Avoid using because to start a sentence. Maybe start off with a transition like "As a result,"More confidence built in each hour long concert that I was on the stage for. In a matter of years of being in chorus I changed. From a shy girl to a confident singer.
It is a little wordy and choppy. I like the idea that you transitioned into a more confident singer, but try to make the essay flow.Chorus may have stopped for me(I would get rid of this) , but my voice will forever hum on
La, la, la.
I love this!!Good luck with the rest of your essays!
