UBC personal profile - I surprise people - answer for the 'Tell us about who you are question'

I surprise people

I was known as the slightly overweight substitute, until I started swimming laps at the pool. I was remembered for my disastrous auditions for the school play, before I spoke flawlessly at the annual day. I was barely making it through the I.T class, when I bagged a prize at the I.T fest.

I am not phased by failure. I have always been taught to pick my mistakes apart until they lose their power.
Those around me would describe me as pro-active and a go-getter. The first student to volunteer, when the need arises. The friend who will always contribute to the discussion with an outlandish declaration. The boy who is outspoken about his views and is not afraid to act on them.

My family sees me as someone who will never shy away from responsibility. Be it the peak of my finals or the day before a tournament, I will always be available to lend a hand.

Sometimes, I take giant leaps and fall on my face. I am proud of the fact that I can always pick my self up afterwards. Where others would hang their head in shame, I would keep moving forward and I would continue to surprise.

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The Question>> Tell us about who you are. How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

Could you also suggest whether it needs to be longer or more substantial?
Thank you

arjun, let me point out one major grammatical flaw in the essay, you are not "phased" because that indicates a section of an action. You are not "fazed" because you do not feel threatened by any challenge. Same word sound, different spelling, different meanings. Make sure you use the right word with the right meaning in your sentence because college applicants who cannot prove that they can accurately use the English language could find their applications in question as well.

As for your presentation. It is too dramatic. These straightforward essays require you to expand upon each criteria within a paragraph each. That is why you have 250 words. The reviewer wants to get to know you beyond what you think about yourself. He wants to understand how other people view you and if their perception of you will make you a good addition to their student roster. This is the chance for the voice of others, who can recommend you as a student, to be heard. Utilize that opportunity to its fullest capacity. You don't need to be flowery with your words, you need to be straightforward and informative instead. It is all about delivering various facets of your persona. That is why the "I" that is so evident in your essay should instead by "he". This is not a first person essay until you get to the part about the achievement you are most proud of. For the first 3 impressions, use the detached third person point of view.

@Holt Thanks for the feedback. Will revise