UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...]

This is my first attempt at writing my college essay, but it seems really hard and I dont know how to follow up on this I'm not finish but I need help.

#4. What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

Heres what I wrote so far:

I've never felt like I belonged in a particular category. I would wear flip flops with any top I could find in my closet to school, which is completely preposterous according to most teenage girls in today's society who dresses according to what they see out of magazines. I've always stood out amongst others because of my independent state of mind. My parents describe me as "unique," and know that their use of this word has both negative and positive connotations!

Negative because being unique means you're different from the average and being in the world we live in, different isn't always accepted in society. But like Grandma says, "When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade!" Marching to the beat of my own drum has always came with adversities, but that hasn't stopped me from being the person I am today. I wore the same purple dress to homecoming two years in a row despite what others were thinking. Someone's opinion of you shouldn't matter more than your own opinion of yourself.

I believe I would be a great contribution to the UCF community because I try to show people I meet daily that living in a stereotypical world doesn't make you a stereotype, a definition I try to eradicate. I show people that the first step to being independent is by being yourself and standing out and If accepted, I would be honored to become a knight at one of the most prestigious Universities in Florida.

All and ANY critiques are wanted and needed :)

I think you have a really good start but i think you should narrow it to a very specific example of you determination and unique

try describing your intellectual interest not just that pple said you where intellectual, describe the qualities like determination, leadership and your learning capability do not simply state them.describe your qualities and state to the effect that these qualities would be valued by the UCF community because you already have some of the basic characteristics the college needs in a individual to build a dignified ambassador of the UCF community

So when you say describe the qualities, do you mean by giving examples that sets me apart from the other applicants and give them an in depth look into my life?

In writing, there is a rule: show, don't tell.

That means it is better to give examples to show the reader that you are determined and intellectual... instead of TELLING the reader.

Tell, and the mind resists the idea. Show, and the mind comes to the idea on its own.

I like this part:
My parents always said I was "as busy as a bee." My self determination is one of the qualities that have grown with me throughout my life. The reason for my determination is that I am excited about learning __________ (talk about your chosen field.) Finish this first paragraph with a sentence that tells the reader all about how you will contribute to the processes of others entering the field you have chosen.

Para #2 can be about tenacity:
When I want something in life, I will do whatever it takes to reach my goal. I never give up on something or someone. The obstacles in life are there for a purpose, so we can overcome them. --- This very good writing! Do not sermonize too much, though. Act as though you cannot help talking about your chosen field and all that you want to research and learn alongside others interested in this field.

Your most important contribution is your enthusiasm for your chosen field. :-)

Okay, I added a lot of things to my essay, but I still have a copy of the original just in case The revision is a little bit too much

Take 2 and Action :)

What do you think?..better or worse?

Hi Shinelle


I think this is a slightly vague and outdated statement.


This one too -- pretty common.

You should pay attention to Kevin's advice -- "show, don't tell"

What I would do is write a brief anecdote which highlights some of my qualities.

Ok. I've decided to rewrite my essay so it can sound more natural. I don't know how to end it though &I did go over the 250 words limit.

I'm not finish and I need help ending it. Please help :)

What do you guys think?

Growing up I've never felt like I was placed into belonged in any particular category. or group. I've always stood out amongst others as long as I can remember because of my _____ and my ______ _________. When I ask my parents to give me one word that would describe me, They they would say "unique," and I couldn't agree with them more.

(start a new paragraph).
I was never one to judge someone by the way they looked on the outside and enjoyed learning about people's backgrounds . I was always fascinated ...

... by becoming part of the UCF community I would show people that its not about whats on the outside, but whats on the inside... No... this is a cliche, and it is not worthy of your essay. Your essay deserves something very memorable. Use the word unique again at the end so that the essay puts forth a single, recognizable theme. Give examples of not fitting into groups. Talk about how your uniqueness caused adversity... or opportunity. Talk about how those experiences helped determine what you want to learn about in college.

:-)

Whether or not you'd read the next few lines I have attached below, it is for you to know that my criticism sometimes is not very tolerable--I say what I need to say, I hear what I need to hear, and I write, I criticize what I need to write and to criticize. Now, bearing this in mind, I would not like it if you best to feeling unwell, unsound, or even underestimated. I do not underestimate anybody, though I anticipate little much of all people.

As Kevin has said, "show, don't tell." Well, very much of your mere wording is of telling--you forgot to showcase your ability. Furthermore, it occurred to me that you are writing about a perfectionism that your admissions officers are believed to like. The honesty is not clearly addressed in this essay.

A book entitled 'Essays that will get you into Business Schools' read, "Be yourself, and leave the rest for the admissions officers." Now what I recommended ALL the applicants that have gone to me for help and correction is that you have to show honesty--and sometimes, people take it to addressing their mistakes and debilities in life. You, on the other hand, showed quite an arrogance--if I may say so--towards your style of living. I have one quote I'd like to share: "Being unique is easy--after all, you are one unique being. But showcasing the differences that seat you out is harder." Harder, because it can be turned into a papered arrogance, it can be performed as an act of mere lying. Well, there you have gone, and there you need to turn back.

I would not elaborate further, because as you have seen, my feeling is not quite subtle. But the title that I have listed in previous line is quite an interesting guidance that can lead you to ultimate acceptance. It has helped many generations and I believe it can sharp your essay into quite an interesting piece.

That is all I have to say, and if you feel little offended, I am deeply sorry, though I still believe that it can brace you with better knowledge about admissions officers.

I don't find any of your criticism harsh at all. I'm actually greatful for it. Thank you so much. Well, I guess my essay isn't ready yet. It's just very hard to put who I am on paper If you understand what I mean. Is it okay if you can read #11 and tell me if I should have stuck with that one instead of "trying" to make it sound "better"?

Hey, I liked the sentence about the flip flops in number 11... but in all of it, reduce the number of modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs. They weaken the writing and water down the reader's experience.

Some sentences have no power. This one has no power:
My parents describe me as "unique" and I couldn't agree with them more.
A sentence with power is one that has some energy behind it:
My parents describe me as "unique," and know that their use of this word has both negative and positive connotations!

I add an !! mark for some energy, and I make a little tension by saying negative and positive. Give the reader something to care about, something to feel. :-)

Here I go one more time. I hope this is better and I tried to take all of your advice and put it in my essay.

You know what Shinelle? I admire people who take criticisms in their stride, and you are one of them. The fact that you have taken every criticism in a constructive way shows your strength of character, and in a way, epitomizes what you are trying to say in that essay.

Anyway, I think this one is a very good draft. Your essay follows a single, clear theme. You substantiate your claims properly. The following errors caught my eye :

today's society who dresses according to what

Marching to the beat of my own drum has always came with adversities -- this does not sound right. How about -- has always led me to face adversities


Do not use contractions in college essays.