Uchicago "Describe a road that you know (real, imagined or metaphorical)" Essay

Topic: Describe a road that you know: real, imagined, metaphorical. tell us about your character, interests, and ideas.

Character is formed through adversity

On November 13th, 1991, my journey began. I was left stranded with no sense of direction. There was no one I could turn to for guidance. I could not foresee that the long, narrow road that lay before me would be paved with failure and lined with disappointment. The opportunity for success was so minuscule; and it became increasingly obvious along the way. The victims of this plight were scattered helplessly on the periphery for all future hopefuls to witness. However, my situation was plenty worse than most of those who came before me.

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I think you should use a comma here instead of a semi-colon. It works as one sentence. If you want to add a longer pause, use a dash -- (I hope that's what they're called).


I think you might be too vague here so far. Someone reading this might get lost in these two sentences and forget them as they move along to the rest of your essay.


"The likelihood that a child, abandoned before it could even defend itself, would evolve into a..." <- I think this might sound better.


You already mentioned this in the previous sentence. You might want to be a little more blunt and specify that after you were abandoned, no one came to pick you up. I think, in this case, directness is what fits.


Maybe you should add a transition word like "however" here.


You might not even have to include this sentence.. you've already made this clear.

I think you should also tell us what Jesse was to you: foster parent? Before you elaborate about him.


Did you really settle? Or did you enjoy this change?
And what do you mean by blinding cold?

Overall, I think you have a story that has potential. It might be better though, if you emphasize a bit more on how this whole situation made you feel. You've told us a lot about what happened and how you reacted... but tell us more about the conflict that went on within you.

Hope I helped :]

From the very beginning, I came to realize that personal success would ultimately depend on my inner [...]
I was oblivious to the notion that things would only become progressively challenging.
----Unnecessary paragraph that repeats the same things later on in your essay except in convoluted ways.

hen Jesse was laid off and struggled to find work. He had an education equivalent to that of a 6th grader because he dropped out of school to take care of his mother after his father had died. Jesse, his daughter, and I were evicted from our home and forced to live in a single bedroom at his local relatives house. We had nothing but the clothes on our back and his rusted old truck that was now running on less than fumes. We were forbidden to use the shower by his relatives' boyfriend because he paid the bills and was not a fan of us staying there. We had no other alternative but to take showers at the neighboring campgrounds.

After two months, which felt more like an eternity, Jesse accepted a job as a truck driver making $9 an hour. It was as best as he could do and we made do with it. He was able to scrape together enough money to rent another house but it was in worse shape than the previous one we had lived in. It was the dead of winter and we had no fuel to heat the house. I remember trying to study in my tattered winter jacket and becoming distracted by my own frosty breath. My hands were so cold and raw that I had found difficulty in holding a pen and turning the pages of my textbook. Mornings weren't much better. There were plenty of instances when there was no hot water and I took icy cold showers in our 50 degree house. The situation was becoming unbearable and I had difficulty completing homework and other assignments for school because I was required to get a job to assist with the bills.

----Very touching story, but then again you're just telling a story. Yes it does give us insight into your struggles but you have to keep this is concise and clear. List these hardships and spend the rest of your wordcount on how you overcame this or grew from this experience.

Good luck from a U of Chicago EA-er!

Return the favor and read my essay please:

Wow, this is amazing. To answer your question, "is my essay too deep?" I say yes and no. I think you should combine the two first paragraphs and cut out unnecessary sentences. The shift from paragraph 1 to 2 is lacking, connect them and make it clearer. The overall tone is a bit too vague and melodramatic in the beginning and you risk losing your reader. Remember to be honest and don't distance yourself from the reader.

Some suggestions:

The victims of this plight were scattered helplessly on the periphery for all future hopefuls to witness. This introduction of other unknown travelers takes away from your own journey. Focus on yourself.

However, my situation was plenty worse than most of those who came before me. watch the drama, you don't need sentences like this because your story itself is enough. I believe your situation is "plenty worse" because of paragraphs 3-9

The opportunity forThe chance of reaching success was soincredibly minuscule; and it became increasingly obviousdecreased along the way. If you don't like this I would just suggest changing "obvious"

he was evidently part of the blue-collar working class.

After searching tediously, I finally onefound work at a small lumber yard near my school.

In the latter years to come, Jesse became ill and the financial burden was more heavily positioned on me. Could you better define the time? This would help the reader better understand your journey.

Also: the ending is unclear. Are you telling this as if it were the future, you already attended college? If so, make it clearer or I suggest changing that angle all together. Do it in the present tense instead.

Anyways, I hope that helps. Just make details clearer. Your story and content is amazing though.

I was confused at first on your first paragraph, I think you should make it easier to understand. Mention that it is your birth. And maybe say "for the next 17 years I would travel a road.." because I was thinking it was a literal road at first...

I think with so many essays to read the admission people will just be skimming and they might get confused too...like me

Wow this is amazing. The only thing I'd ask is what happens to Jesse if you go to college? And what did you learn from all the adversity? What did that push you to seek?

It looks pretty solid
but this sentence threw me off a little bit
It was as best as he could do and we made do with it.
Maybe change it to something like: It was all that he could manage, and we made do with it.

I agree with frydafly's corrections, I also think that you need to put a more positive spin than you have. It seems as though you dealt with a great challenge, and now that you overcame it you are ready for college; but you should mention how it shaped you as a human being and what positive lessons you learned from the experience.

Hope I helped !!!

If you get a chance please read my essay as well!

Thanks everyone. i think that once i make these correction my essay will be great. and if i do get accepted to uchicago then i will thank all of you!!!

thanks so much