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Uchicago extended essay on someone or something that has had an influence on you



littleJ 1 / -  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
I think this essay is kind of childish, but I can't think of anything else to write about.. Oh and since I'm a international student and English is not my native language, there might be many grammar and spelling mistakes. I hope you guys can help me polish my essay. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!! Thanks a lot.

Write an essay about something you have outgrown, perhaps before you had a replacement - a friend, a political philosophy, a favorite author, or anything that has had an influence on you. What, if anything, has taken its place?

I walk fast. Actually, I walk a little bit too fast. When I walk, I lean forward, step as far as I can at a time, and look straightly at the direction of my destination. Sometimes my friends would say: "Hey, why it seems like you are always in a hurry?" And my answer would be: "While, I grew up in CBD(Central Business District), what do you expect?"

On my way home from school, I always see people around me walking and talking like they are saving the world, which is going to explode in several minutes. It's like there is a walking race going on at CBD everyday, and I often bump into some contestants who move like a hurricane. That sense of efficiency in CBD is contagious, and I'm certainly infected.

So on my way to the bus stop everyday, I would time myself at every tree I passed and see if I'm being efficient enough. I would say to myself: "oh, six minutes and thirty-five seconds at the third tree, not bad. I'll try to make it six minutes and ten seconds tomorrow". I never looked around on my way-in the CBD value system, nothing on road is worth stopping for.

When I entered high school, however, I saw a totally different life style. My high school is located in one of those old, narrow streets called Hutong, where people pace themselves and enjoy some "laziness". On my way to school, I see those Hutong people sitting comfortably under poplar trees, talking to each other about the prices of vegetables, change of weather, or a new episode of some soap opera. They never walk fast; instead, they always walk with ease, and with a sense of contentment.

I once wandered "don't those people have something more important to do than sitting there discussing three different ways of peeling potatoes?" or "do they have any idea how much time they wasted by walking like that?" However, as time passed by, I began to appreciate this easy way of living. Unconsciously and gradually, I began to try to walk more slowly and to pace myself.

By pacing myself, I saw a whole different world. For the first time in my life, I began to realize how beautifully the leaves dance all the way down from branches in autumn; I began to notice the subtle changes of sky color caused by impending sunset; I began to observe the hilarious faces of kids who are building a snowman after the first snow fall in winter. When I actually look around while walking, I realized what I missed before.

Now, although I still walk very fast, I begin to pace myself once in a while to notice those small yet beautiful things on my road. I even tried to wander among a rush of people in CBD and found it extremely fun to look at those serious, nervous faces. I don't look straightly at the destination anymore; instead, I learned to pay attention to the scenery along the road and outgrew my former way of walking.

z4evafoolz 7 / 31  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
Huaxin,

The general idea is good (paying attention to the scenery rather than just the destination). The idea isn't so childish, but it's been made childish in this essay.

I believe you're saying that your social environment and how you responded had an impact on you, but little is shown about this. Expand the paragraph when you changed (the easy way of living part).

Another thing is that there are too many paragraphs which can be joined together. Many paragraphs gives the readers a feeling of disconnection, which often is a negative aspect of the essay. 2nd and 3rd paragraph could be connected:

4th and 5th could be connected in a similar way too:

There are a few grammar mistakes, as you have pointed out. I'll come back to your essay and if no-one has posted something about grammar, i'll do so in 2 hours. Dinner time now :).

Just remember, bring out the part when you got changed a little more - that should be the focus of your essay.


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