UChicago "Tell us about your favorite.." Essay

This is my essay for one of my uchicago supplements. I know this one isn't weighed as heavily but still I wanted a second opinion :) Any critiques are welcomed.

Prompt: Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

A habit that I've acquired is listening to the soundtracks of movies over and over again. Practicing Ballet for years I've had to convey emotion with the help of music without actually speaking, in movies it's the job of the score to do the same. In every movie, there is always that one scene where the actor or actress is completely silent, sometimes not even moving, but you as the watcher understand every emotion, action, and phrase they want to say because of the music in the background. My favorite example of this has to be "Brush on Silk" from the "Memoirs of a Geisha" soundtrack. In the scene a jealous Geisha manipulates a younger Hangyoku named Chiyo to paint all over the prized silk kimono of a fellow successful Geisha and then place it in her room. The young girl confused and scared does as she told, her strokes light, just like the music, only to get heavier as the song becomes more intense. As the intensity of the music becomes stronger and stronger she walks up the stairs of her victim's room and finally gets caught. This emotional ability that "Brush on Silk" has always left me amazed and jealous. The fluttering of the flutes and the plucking of the traditional instruments told me everything the little nine year old Hangyoku was thinking. Her fear, her regret, her lack of options, it was all understood. On the same note the composition always left me envious. As a dancer the ultimate achievement in skill is to express with your body what words might, and this score does just that. Repeatedly I've listened to try and learn how to improve my own expression. It's a beautiful piece that I have enjoyed listening to as well as learning from and will forever be one of my favorite pieces of music.

I like the development throughout the essay from what the music does to how it makes you feel. I was thinking you could maybe talk more about the you part, for example from where you say, "This emotional ability..." Otherwise, it's a really good essay.

I like ur examples (I'm a big fan of Memoirs of a Geisha), cuz they r not the common blockbusters that created to embrace mainstream popularity.

But I think the detailed description can be abbreviated. You should really stress ur emotion instead, and try to reflect ur personality. Just my thought: you should avoid using negative words like jealous and envious. Show ur positive side.

can u pls critique mine?

I LOVE MEMIORS OF A GEISHA!! I LUV MOVIE SOUNDTRACKS TOO!!!!! ok I completely relate to most of what u are saying but I just want to say that this school is looking for specific writing so when you describe your love for it use more of the "show not tell technique". Like start with explaining what you are feeling or imagining when the voilin strings ring their voices in your ears. The cello's waves could be dancing, like in the Chairman's waltz, my favorite song. Hope this helps

Okay I appreciate all of the suggestiions so I tweaked it a bit. Im thinking about deleting the sentence in red other than that I think this will be my final one :)

A habit that I've always had is listening to the soundtracks of movies over and over again. Practicing Ballet for years I've had to convey emotion with the help of music without actually speaking, in movies it's the job of the score to do the same. In every movie, there is always that one scene where the actor or actress is completely silent, sometimes not even moving, but you as the watcher understand every emotion, action, and phrase they want to say because of the music in the background. My favorite example of this has to be "Brush on Silk" from the "Memoirs of a Geisha" soundtrack. In the scene a jealous Geisha manipulates a younger Hangyoku named Chiyo to paint all over the prized silk kimono of a fellow Geisha and then place it in her room. The young girl confused and scared does as she told, her strokes light, just like the music, only to get heavier as the song becomes more intense. As she walks up the stairs the once light flute becomes frenzied accompanied by panicked drums until finally she gets caught. This emotional ability that "Brush on Silk" has always left me amazed and jealous. The fluttering of the flutes and the plucking of the traditional instruments told me everything the little nine year old Hangyoku was thinking. Her fear became my fear as I held my breath hoping she wouldn't get caught. Her regret became my regret when I yelled "don't listen to her, you know better!" while throwing popcorn at my television. Her lack of options was the same as mine since I couldn't help her . These feelings were all understood as the music danced through my ears. On the same note the composition always left me envious. As a dancer the ultimate achievement in skill is to express with your body what words might. The score, like any renowned ballerina, beautifully dances through my mind leaving behind a story or dialogue I wouldn't have otherwise noticed.