Hello everyone. I need a bit of assistance proofreading and improving upon my UF essay. I've tried as hard as I could to use great descriptions in my essay, to grab the attention of the reader, and to get my point across, but it seems that I'm struggling a bit with accomplishing my goal. I have written what I believe is the final draft of the essay:
Your essay is a very important part of your application. What you provide helps the university know you as an individual -- independent of grades, test scores and other objective data.
Please submit a 400-500 word essay. You can compose the essay in a word processor and then paste it into the text box or you can type directly in the text box. When you are finished save your work.
You should keep your formatting as simple as possible and avoid using any special formatting; attributes such as bold, italics, underlining and quotation marks can be lost when placed into the textbox.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. (400-500 word limit, 3850 character limit)
The door swung violently open and created a thunderous "BANG!" John came running into my house, tears streaming down from his eyes.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, Sean. I have absolutely no idea. My life is going downhill and I have no idea what I should do."
John has been my best friend for nearly seven years. We were almost inseparable from each other. His parents just got a divorce and the divorce could mean that he would have to live with his father in another state.
"John, you know I've been through a divorce before. Your parents still love you more than anything else in the world and they want to do what is best for you. Maybe moving in with your father isn't such a bad idea?"
John's demeanor dropped. His tear-stained eyes shut closed.
"Help me, Sean. Help me before I ruin my life."
From that point on, I knew the situation was dire; my world turned upside down. I couldn't comprehend the thought of losing a best friend. I tried as hard as I could to placate John in his time of need by talking with him almost constantly for two weeks and by getting him away from his parents.
Three weeks later, John's father gained custody over John and they moved to Nebraska. Subsequently, I lost contact with John.
About six months ago, out of the blue, John added me on Facebook. He sent me a message with the friend request. "Sean, you don't know how well you remember me, but your help through my parents divorce saved my life. I don't know if I would have been living if it wasn't for you."
My heart dropped and a smile emerged onto my face. I've never thought that my actions could have such an enormous impact on someone else's life.
That one experience in my life, as minute as it was, has made such a great impact on my life. Since the day I've saved my best friend from near suicide, I've made a promise to myself that I would try to help others with their problems, because any minuscule thing that I may do to help someone feel better, may end up being the most important thing I could ever do.
My experience with John will carry over to UF. My extreme selflessness motivates me to try to help as many people as humanly possible. My selflessness will also motivate me to be to become a great asset to the UF community. I know that I can achieve success academically and still be able to help students who are in distress. My undying desire to improve other's lives before I improve my own makes me feel important and it makes me feel that I have a purpose in life. By taking time out of my life to help someone else in distress, I know that such an action could bring a smile across a face, or even save a life.
Your essay is a very important part of your application. What you provide helps the university know you as an individual -- independent of grades, test scores and other objective data.
Please submit a 400-500 word essay. You can compose the essay in a word processor and then paste it into the text box or you can type directly in the text box. When you are finished save your work.
You should keep your formatting as simple as possible and avoid using any special formatting; attributes such as bold, italics, underlining and quotation marks can be lost when placed into the textbox.
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. (400-500 word limit, 3850 character limit)
The door swung violently open and created a thunderous "BANG!" John came running into my house, tears streaming down from his eyes.
"I don't know what I'm going to do, Sean. I have absolutely no idea. My life is going downhill and I have no idea what I should do."
John has been my best friend for nearly seven years. We were almost inseparable from each other. His parents just got a divorce and the divorce could mean that he would have to live with his father in another state.
"John, you know I've been through a divorce before. Your parents still love you more than anything else in the world and they want to do what is best for you. Maybe moving in with your father isn't such a bad idea?"
John's demeanor dropped. His tear-stained eyes shut closed.
"Help me, Sean. Help me before I ruin my life."
From that point on, I knew the situation was dire; my world turned upside down. I couldn't comprehend the thought of losing a best friend. I tried as hard as I could to placate John in his time of need by talking with him almost constantly for two weeks and by getting him away from his parents.
Three weeks later, John's father gained custody over John and they moved to Nebraska. Subsequently, I lost contact with John.
About six months ago, out of the blue, John added me on Facebook. He sent me a message with the friend request. "Sean, you don't know how well you remember me, but your help through my parents divorce saved my life. I don't know if I would have been living if it wasn't for you."
My heart dropped and a smile emerged onto my face. I've never thought that my actions could have such an enormous impact on someone else's life.
That one experience in my life, as minute as it was, has made such a great impact on my life. Since the day I've saved my best friend from near suicide, I've made a promise to myself that I would try to help others with their problems, because any minuscule thing that I may do to help someone feel better, may end up being the most important thing I could ever do.
My experience with John will carry over to UF. My extreme selflessness motivates me to try to help as many people as humanly possible. My selflessness will also motivate me to be to become a great asset to the UF community. I know that I can achieve success academically and still be able to help students who are in distress. My undying desire to improve other's lives before I improve my own makes me feel important and it makes me feel that I have a purpose in life. By taking time out of my life to help someone else in distress, I know that such an action could bring a smile across a face, or even save a life.
