UIUC - Gap Year - What have you been doing upon graduating from high school?

Hey everyone, I'm new to this site.Thank you to anyone who will take time in reading my response and this site has been a great help to me. I redacted some names cause I don't they would like to be revealed. The prompt is asking what I did but I have also included why and how these experience have affected me. As such, I'm not too confident about my response as should I be more descriptive and concentrate on the what or my current response

Prompt: What have you been doing upon graduating from high school? [2000 characters]

Having been a student my whole life, I wanted to take a hiatus from studying to spend some time with my family, travel and embrace new experiences to learn more about myself. As I was situated in Singapore for virtually the entirety of my life, I started my gap year by returning to my hometown, Indonesia to spend time with my family and understand my Indonesian culture. This also gave me opportunities to volunteer at --- Indonesia. Such an experience has not only allowed me to rediscover my homeland but also my identity as an Indonesian. It also significantly improved my ability to speak Bahasa Indonesia, which allowed me to interact with the locals.

Afterwards, I took some time to backpack in Australia and experienced new thrills such as skydiving, diving and surfing. I was also able to visit America with my family for the first time. Enamoured by the diversity of campuses, students and courses available, it further augmented my desire to pursue an undergraduate study in America. Travelling has also helped me to grow, be more outspoken and more responsible as an individual. By immersing myself in various cultures and meeting a diversity of people, I gained a global perspective and discovered many new passions such as Japanese as a fourth language.

Aspiring to be a future computer scientist, I have since then interned at ---, a mobile commerce start-up. I started out as a non-technical employee and as I gradually improved my ability to code through courses on Codeacademy and Pluralsight, I was able to partake in several rudimentary coding assignments. I am grateful for this as it has given me first-hand experiences what it feels like to be a computer scientist. It not only allowed me to develop my technical skills but also hone my business, marketing and management skills. This gap year has really transformed my life beyond belief. Instead of burying myself in textbooks learning about our contemporary world, I am finally able to live in it.

Hi Ken, I hope you won't mind but I decided that the best way to help you enhance this highly informative and entertaining essay was to edit it in totality. I worked on keeping the focus of the essay while shortening some parts in order to create a more streamlined essay. The revision I did shortened the essay to 1978 characters. Here is what I came up with you:

Having spent a majority of my life as a student, I decided to take a gap year in order to spend time with my family, travel, and embrace new experiences that would help me to get to know myself better. My family settled in Singapore after having originally hailed from Indonesia so I began my wold travels by rediscovering that side of my family. Visitng my homeland helped me reconnect with my roots and learn to speak Bhasa Indonesia.

From Indonesia, I proceeded to spend some time backpacking in Australia. I was exposed to the world of thrills such as skydiving, diving, and surfing. Next on the travel agenda was a trip to America with my family, where I fell in love with the university campus and community system of education. Since I was already thinking of studing in America, the trip only helped to solidify my interest in pursuing my undergraduate studies there.

My travels helped me grow as a person. I found my voice and became more oustpoken over time, and learned to become more responsible as an individual. by immersing myself in various communities across the globe, I developed a global perspective and discovered new passions such as learning Japanese as a fourth language.

Not all of my time was spent doing extra curricular activities during the year. Aspiring to be a future computer scientist, I also interned at ---, a mobile commerce start-up where I started out as a non-technical employee and gradually improved my ability to code through courses on Codeacademy and Pluralsight, I was able to partake in several rudimentary coding assignments. This internship opportunity has allowed me to experience first hand what it feels like to be a computer scientist. It not only allowed me to develop my technical skills but also hone my business, marketing and management skills.

This gap year has really transformed my life beyond belief. Instead of burying myself in textbooks learning about our contemporary world, I am finally able to live in it.

I also did my best to help you create an easier to read paragraph by dividing your paragraphs. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you want to continue working on this version of the essay or if you think it will already be useful to you as is :-)

Hey Louisa,

Really grateful for latest revision!! I think it's great and its what I was exactly looking for!! My earlier revision sounded too monotonous and abrupt and I think the edit in terms of organization has definitely addressed this. It has also given the essay more personal input. Thank you very much and I believe this will help me substantially!! :)