Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
My essay:
All this year in my life tennis was my main sport. The reason to this was by watching Roger Federer's elegance playing style, manner, sportsmanship, and the way he covers his facial expressions and emotions during the match. I learned many lessons by watching Federer's game such as concentration and endurance during our task. Federer does that so well, and I think that's the reason why he won so many matches in his career. But there was one thing that hindered me from becoming a better tennis player. I received the genetics from my father, which was being born as a flat feet. It was a difficult task to overcome the pain, since none of my friends on the tennis team were flat feet; therefore I wasn't a fast runner than anyone else or a better player. I was junior varsity captain during my sophomore year, but due to my flat feet, I couldn't acquire enough confidence to surpass from junior varsity to varsity.
An inspiring figure supported me to overcome the pain of being flat feet. His name was, Park Ji Sung a great South Korean soccer player currently in Manchester United. He's a flat footed soccer player who represents South Korea in the Premier League. As I was surfing through the internet I somehow saw "Park Ji Sung, a great player from Manchester United scored first goal." As I was reading the article, I saw a picture of his ugly and wounds covered feet. I shed in tears by seeing the picture because I was touched for not being alone as a flat feet, and he showed me the path of exceeding my confidence. My two idols gave me strength and endurance to become varsity captain during my junior year. Flat feet are a reliable gift to me.
I require harsh comments to improve my essay^^
I think you can change the first or arrange the construction of the sentence, recieving genetic from my father could be " some thing like your father passed his genetic to you or due to the family genes I end up like my father of flat feet"
your essay is good generally
All this year in my life tennis was my main sport.This needs to be a stronger intro
But there was one thing that hindered me from becoming a better tennis player. I received the genetics from my father, which was being born as a flat feet.This sounds a bit awkward. Try "However, there was one thing that hindered me from becoming a better player, genetics. My father and I both have flat feet." Or something like that.
It was a difficult task to overcome the pain, since none of my friends on the tennis team were flat feet;Use either "were flat footed" or "had flat feet"
An inspiring figure supported me to overcome the pain of being flat feet.Again use either "being flat footed" or "having flat feet"
His name was Park Ji Sung, a great South Korean soccer player, currently in Manchester United.
Flat feet are a reliable gift to me.Kind of confused by this sentence. If playing with flat feet are painful, how are they reliable? Perhaps use a different word.
I was reading the this and I was like "alright good job, sounds good- wait." You kept talking about Federer and Park Ji Sung and I think this needs to be more about you. I get that they inspired you, and you should totally keep that, but make it a bit more about you.
wow thank you to both of you guys!
i really want to write more about me but the essay it too restricted with words...
Since i only have 300 words or less i couldn't figure out how to write more about myself...
You focus abit too much on your inspiration. I think it'd be better if you added abit more on what you learnt from it. It seems to me like you learnt about perseverance despite odds being against you, but you should what youve learnt explicitly, spell it out for the readers.
Well, after reading your essay, i get your passion for tennis, but i think this essay should be more about you, not Federer or Park Ji sung (though I agree with you. I love both so much!!)
what about telling how this "playing tennis" benefited you physically or spiritually?
what is tennis to you? how have you played tennis?
I think it would be better if those kinds of things are mentioned.
