UIUC transfer essay - Computer Science - goals fulfilled in the intended program of study

In 300 words or less, describe how your academic interest and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study at Illinois.

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign application

My interest in computers started from a very young age. I would spend innumerable hours sailing through the vast sea of networks, stumbling on new thing along the way. When I was 12 my father handed me my first laptop igniting the first spark towards computer science. My curious young mind wanted to know how the machine worked and thus I landed on the doorsteps of computer programming. Most of my time would be spent programming several types of simulators and calculators from binomial expansions to Newton's method.

At University of Illinois, my final goal would be to specialize in Cyber and Network Security as I believe that since computers are getting more accessible to people in my country, the risk of getting compromised is increasing as well. With the introduction of new systems such as driver-less cars or smart home systems, hackers would start to innovate new ways to destabilize computer systems and steal critical information. In India sensitive personal information is leaked amongst the masses and there isn't much that has been done to prevent that. Hence, I would like to spend my time at UIUC researching ways for people not just in my country but around the world to have a safe and secure experience whilst online which is something I firmly believe in. With the guidance and the facilities provided to me by University of Illinois and the College of Engineering, I believe that it will be apt for me to succeed in my goals.

Hi, I am an international student applying to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. I am having difficulties in starting the essay and keeping it within the word limit. Please help me figure out any grammatical errors, weird sentence structure and any comments on how to improve my essay further. Constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Thank you!

Fahad, start your essay from the current second paragraph. Since this is a word limited essay, you need to respond pointedly to the question instead of discussing non-related information first. By indicating what your final goal is, you can present a simple study plan that will help you achieve your ultimate goal as a professional. Those are the 2 most important topics for presentation in this essay. In outline form it is:

1. Academic goals in relation to a professional plan of action
2. Professional plans in relation to the academic and training facilities offered by the university

Each university has a specific laboratory, research facility, or other academic or non-academic / internship / training programs that can be utilized by the hard working and forward thinking students of the university. Instead of focusing on India alone, explain how the opportunities, specific opportunities at the university will help you achieve your academic interests and professional goals. Show your familiarity with the program and that you have a specific study plan in mind that will help you achieve your academic goals with the support of the university programs and facilities.

I guess it is pretty obvious that you will have to write a new essay based on these additional information unless you can figure out a way to revise your current essay in a manner that will still allow you to represent the required elements as I pointed out to you.