UIUC-Transfer Essay- Talk about your motivation and how will the university help fulfill your goals

Hey, it is Johnny! I really want some advice on this transfer essay, about grammar, the flow, how to make it better, anything will do.

Topic: In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current university to Illinois and how your academic interests and professional goals will be fulfilled in your intent program of study.

I always believe in "Practice is the the sole criterion for testing truth". In which sense, I insists that college students should spend an appropriate time during vacation in an internship program. Such is the nature of Chinese education system, a lot of students usually ignore what can really kindle their interests even before they choose a major. I start as an Environmental Engineering student and spend a significance time to work in a mechanical engineering company outside the class.

It's not long after I started my intern than I found that, their main product, a new generation of electronic propulsion vessels would be way much better if they could equip a sophisticated remote control system. Intending not to waste my good ideas, I proposed it to my boss and he recommended me to work with the computer apartment. It's the very first time I ever be able to really work on a coding program, which, quoting my original words, was fabulous. It's like we were brought up to eat certain type of food and we stick to them all our lives, until one day you found that you don't have to do so. I would have never felt so desperate to understand everything about this major. However, my current university would not really satisfy my needs to gain a sound grounding in computer majors, as an university specialized in agriculture , which is the original motivation to transfer to Illinois.

I firmly believe it's never too late to do anything. In the light of this statement, I think following my interests and passions will never lead me wrong and all I wish for myself is, to stay hungry, stay foolish.

Johnny, there is no compelling reason for you to be considering transferring colleges based upon the line of reasoning that you have just presented. You are talking about an internship, which is a practical, not academic experience related to learning in your line of interest. Therefore, the reasons that you gave do not make any sense.

A properly developed transfer essay focuses on a number of things in to deliver a credible line of reasoning for transfer. One of the reasons that have to be present is the lack of additional educational opportunities at your current school in relation to your chosen major. You have to prove that you cannot receive the same type of education at your current school as you would in your school or interest. Next, you have to discuss how you came to this conclusion. It could be based upon an opportunity to visit the campus, an internship or exchange program that you participated in at the school, or even the convincing of your friends that their school was better than yours. None of these valid and factual reasons exist in your current essay.

In all honesty, the essay that you wrote does not respond to the prompt at all so I am wondering if your response was meant for a different prompt and you accidentally posted it with this question instead? It sometimes happens. For now, I will advise you to write a new essay. One guided by the instructions above. I am sure that you will be able to properly explain your reasons within 300 words or less if you focus on the discussion topics that I recommended.

@Holt
Thank you so much. I accidently copy the daft about how I get involved with this major.
Here is the version I plan to post.
Take a look and give me some advice, if you would.

In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current university to Illinois and how your academic interests and professional goals will be fulfilled in your intent program of study.

I always thought being an engineer is one of my most important career goals. So, I started as an Environmental Engineering student and spent a significance time to work in an engineering company outside the class.

It's not long after I started my intern than I found that, their main product, a new generation of electronic propulsion vessels would be way much better if they could equip a sophisticated remote control system. I proposed it to my boss and was recommended to work with the computer apartment. It's the very first time I ever be able to really work on a coding program, which, was fabulous. It brings me to reconsider where my true interests lay. However, there's one obstacle. I was cultivated to be an engineering student and there's so much about this major I had to catch up on. My current university cannot satisfy my needs to get a sound grounding in this major as Chinese education system is not open for major changes.

Someone ever asked me whether I would hesitate as the costs for such a big changes was tremendous. Shaking my heads, I told him life is long and we could not just fix our eyes on what we lost, but what we could learn. It's without saying that UIUC offers a better opportunities for me to pursue my interests in this field, but also I rather enjoy the small city where people can share a closeness that we cannot hope to get in big city's stressful life rhyme. Pursuing a degree is never the solution, perhaps just give me a head start. However, after all, we all have to find somewhere to start when we decide to do something, either big or small.

Johnny, do not talk about the cost of education as you have in your last paragraph. That is irrelevant to the reason as to why you wish to change schools. You had the right idea at the end of the first paragraph, where you said that your current college has limited opportunities available for your intellectual and technical growth in this field. For the second paragraph, you should just support that statement that you previously made by offering some of the marked differences between your current university offerings and UIUC. By doing so, you must also qualify why you believe that such opportunities offered by UIUC is something that you feel will bolster your academic training and future career growth. After that, you do not have to say anything more. Just close the essay by repeating your desire to attend the university during the upcoming semester as a transfer student.