Prompt:
"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.
"Qi Hui, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I asked.
"A mother," she replied.
"Why?"
"I want a family."
Qi Hui is my seven-year-old mentee who comes from a dysfunctional family. Her response surprised me simply because it was beyond her age, something that not even I would contemplate. While other children had aspirations to be teachers, lawyers and doctors, all she wanted to be was a mother.
There are so many things people like myself - who have a complete family - desire. Power, wealth and status are a few to name. We need familiar love, but it not something we consciously aspire for, not when we are young and on the go at least. Yet, it is such love that can last us past retirement, when all else does not matter anymore.
This experience made me respect people from less fortunate backgrounds. They are the ones who really know what they need in life, who despite their circumstances, are determined to strive harder rather than engage in self-pity.
Having been active in community service in high school, I have encountered people like Qi Hui. Each person had different stories to tell, stories that I am more than willing to share with others. I want to be in a position to inspire them, just like how I motivated my juniors as an orientation group leader, to follow their hearts and find themselves. This is because besides my ethnicity and nationality that might help color Michigan, I want to be able to add new colors to Michigan and create a more vibrant university life for everyone.
Please help me edit this :)
There are so many things people like myself - who have a complete family - desire. Power, wealth and status are a few to name.
this sentence should be changed to
there are so many aspects for people like myself - who has a complete family - desire, to name a few, power, wealth and status.
Yet, it is such love that can last us past retirement
try to find a better word than retirement.
This experience made me respect people of less fortunate backgrounds.
I want to be able to add new colors to Michigan and create a more vibrant university life for everyone.
this conclusion sentence should be more dramatic and attention grabbing. Enough to leave an impact long after reading this essay
Just a suggetion
I don't just want to add new colors, but I want to become a brush that help mix them together to create a whole new color. I believe I can create a vibrant and lively Michigan university.
Something like that. Just something more striking
A contextual problem i see, i don't think that the paragraphs really support your argument. You talk about love and how it is innate. But the next paragraph you lead to a conclusion totally different from your statement and again in the last paragraph. I think you could work more on trying to connect your ideas together. At the moment it seems liek separate ideas stuck together.
I would just like to say, I really enjoyed this, coming from an asian family I can relate and the ending is really powerful; creates a picture
There are so many things that people like myself - who have a complete family - desire.
I think the sentence sounds/reads better that way.
Best of luck :)
Yup, I think you have answered the prompt well :D
However, I wonder if you want to combine the last 2 paragraphs into one since I don't see the need to separate them. But if you feel strongly towards spliting them into 2 paragraphs, by all means :)
All the best!
This experience made me respect people from less fortunate backgrounds. They are the ones who really know what they need in life, who despite their circumstances, are determined to strive harder rather than engage in self-pity.
This paragraph above is very short. Maybe you can add another sentence to develop it more.
Now, here is some help for this part:
People who have complete families, such as myself, still have many desires. Power, wealth and status are a few to name. We need familiar love, but it not something
for which we consciously aspire.
not when we are young and on the go at least . Yet, it is such love that can last us past retirement, when all else does not matter anymore.
This is a great way to respond to the prompt, good job!
alright thanks everyone. yay finally finished mich! :)
