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UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute; Spring Festival in China


cissywdi 2 / 1  
Sep 2, 2009   #1
"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research."
(U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)


Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

250words

Last year, I got a chance to travel to Fujian Province in southeast of China during the Spring Festival. To experience the culture of Hakka people, I chose to live with a local family.

Growing up from northeast of China, I am used to eating dumplings on Spring Festival Eve. I, therefore, asked the hosts if we could make dumplings together. Silence for three seconds. I never knew that some Chinese families would not eat dumplings on the Spring Festival Eve until the hosts told me it's not the tradition of people living in the south. In stead, people living in the south are used to cooking a big family reunion dinner. However, they didn't refuse my suggestion. Although we spent nearly three hours in the kitchen, I felt very glad when the dumplings were served onto the table. Although the dumplings were of different sizes, even of different tastes, they together made a delicate dish. Sitting around the table, we shared our experience making dumplings, through which we knew more about the differences between the ways of making dumplings in the north and south of China.

Diversity can not survive in a blocked atmosphere. Therefore, to contribute to the diversity of University of Michigan, I am looking forward to sharing my knowledge and experience with my schoolfellows and teachers. As a student with a different background, a different culture, and a different way of thinking, I am willing to show the University of Michigan my own flavor just like the dumplings I made

catalyst0435 Edit Delete Move 173.79.130.235
Sep 4, 2009 #6
You picked a good experience to write about, and I think the essay is fundamentally solid.

That lets me get a little nit-picky about smaller details.
Silence for three seconds.
I don't think the narrative preceding this sentence is engaging enough to allow a fragment here.

In stead
. One word, not two.

delicate dish
Maybe delicate isn't the right word. I never perceived dumplings as particularly delicate, even if they are made in a diverse manner.

Alluding back to the dumplings by saying your "own flavor" in the last paragraph is neat, but made too obvious with the inclusion of "just like the dumplings I made." In my opinion, metaphors shouldn't be made in-your-face obvious, but more delicate :P

If you changed the second paragraph to say "different flavors" instead of "different tastes," and then wrote in your last paragraph:

...and a different way of thinking, I can add my own flavor to University of Michigan's unique palette.

Or something like that.

Help with mine ⇒ Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her?
Re-Open Thread Closed ✓

'Indian students / China-Singapore' UMichigan, diversity and how you can contribute [13] ✓
TOEFLE SPEAKING-Most impressive event, Spring Festival China [3] ✓
'I grew up in China' - UW how to contribute to diversity [7] ✓
NUS application's essay (Mid-Autumn Festival, a Vietnamese festival) [4] ✓
U of M- how i am going to contribute to their diversity [2] ✓
Do you consider yourself a person who would contribute to our schools diversity [4] ✓

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~~~
do u think I digress from the topic?
and i don't know how to answer that how can i contibute to U-M
i don't think the last paragraph is good.
i'm really worried about that
thank all of you!
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Sep 2, 2009   #2
You've got a good idea for that last paragraph. Keep the dumpling metaphor, just add some more about how you are looking forward to even more cultural sharing at U-M.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Sep 2, 2009   #3
To experience the local culture, I chose to live with a local family.

Can anyone tell me if this sentence structure is better or worse than just stating "I chose to live with a local family to experience the culture"?

I, therefore, asked if we could make dumplings together.

Since this is a new paragraph, I would specify who "we" is.

Dumplings I made were bigger with more meat, they made smaller with more vegetables, just like people in the north are forthright and uninhibited, while people in the south are tender and discreet. Although they look different, even taste different, they together made a delicate dish.

Forgive me but when I read this part it sounded like you were refering to the people :P

I am willing to show the University of Michigan my own flavor just like the dumplings I made.

If this is the point you want to make, you may want to state that you enjoyed sharing your style of dumplings with the local family. Either way you must still expand on it.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 2, 2009   #4
Growing up from northeast of China, I am used to eating dumplings and finding out the coins in dumplings on Spring Festival Eve as a symbol of good wish.

^The parallelism here is weak and affects the overall quality of the sentence. Revise.

Since this is a new paragraph, I would specify who "we" is.

^Good point. Although we as readers can understand that you are referring to the family you stayed with, perhaps you should specify who you asked, since that in effect would give more detail and life to the essay.

I never thoughtknew that some Chinese familyies would not eat dumplings on the Spring Festival Eve until they told me it's not the tradition of people living in the south.

^Who is 'they'?

However, they told me they loved to make dumplings with me.

^Did you make dumplings with them before? If not, then be aware that this is what your sentence suggests.

Dumplings I made were bigger with more meat, they made smaller with more vegetables, just like people in the north are forthright and uninhibited, while people in the south are tender and discreet. Although they look different, even taste different, they together made a delicate dish.

^I do not get the bigger with meat and smaller with vegetables simile.
It may be a compliment to be compared with the image of strength and a group of alpha males/females, but it can be quite degrading to compare someone with a frail and small vegetable.

Also, I do not see how you can compare being forthright with being tender, and uninhibited with being discreet. Neither of these are comparable to each other.
catalyst0435 3 / 31  
Sep 4, 2009   #5
You picked a good experience to write about, and I think the essay is fundamentally solid.

That lets me get a little nit-picky about smaller details.

Silence for three seconds.

I don't think the narrative preceding this sentence is engaging enough to allow a fragment here.

In stead

. One word, not two.

delicate dish

Maybe delicate isn't the right word. I never perceived dumplings as particularly delicate, even if they are made in a diverse manner.

Alluding back to the dumplings by saying your "own flavor" in the last paragraph is neat, but made too obvious with the inclusion of "just like the dumplings I made." In my opinion, metaphors shouldn't be made in-your-face obvious, but more delicate :P

If you changed the second paragraph to say "different flavors" instead of "different tastes," and then wrote in your last paragraph:

...and a different way of thinking, I can add my own flavor to University of Michigan's unique palette.

Or something like that.


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