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NUS application's essay (Mid-Autumn Festival, a Vietnamese festival)

duy 1 / 4  
Dec 18, 2008   #1
Hi, I'm a new member of this forum. At the end of this week I must send my essay to NUS in Singapore. So could you please help me improve my essay, especially word choice, grammar, and length....Thank you very much.!!!

This is my topic:

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner.

And this is my essay( please help me make it shorter, because it must be limited to 2000 characters - about 300-->400 words )

People call it Mid-Autumn Festival, a Vietnamese festival in which the children carry brightly lit lantern and play with alacrity until the midnight. There would have been no problem with me, an eighteen teenager who just want to gather my team to play a zealous soccer match, in such a childish day, if the principal had not claimed that we would hold the Mid-Autumn Festival at high school. We students felt somewhat ridiculous when hearing that "sensational" announcement, which seemed to be a joke rather than a serious idea. Hence, when our head teacher came and corroborated the principal's speech, she really threw cold water upon our prediction.

"Good luck, boys" - It is everything we received after our teacher had asked us to participate in various positions of the organizing team. That childish Festival turned out to be an interesting event, in which we mathematical students immediately recognize some potential opportunities to "show off" our talent. As a result, I and my buddies decided to sign up for the nosh-selling position. "We are really going into business!"- said Truong, my best friend for years. Our group was so avid for doing such a significant thing.

Initially, the nosh was prepared smoothly with the help of our mothers' great cooking. However, like someone had said: "No risk, no profit", we soon faced some inevitable obstacles. In fact, students tend to buy and eat nosh in the stores near our school, rather than buying it from school's canteen. Perhaps they like the comfortable atmosphere in those stores, because they can gather and relax without thinking about anything that is related to the busy learning at school. Or perhaps, they merely prefer to choose the cheaper nosh. No matter what reason, I knew for sure that our preparation would be futile unless we could attract them to our stall, at least in that special Festival night.

Fortunately, things did not always go wrong. Few days before the Festival, our school was inundated by posters of a music show, which would be held on the school-yard. All of a sudden, the tension obsessed me at first was alleviated quickly. An idea flashed through my mind: "A music show is obviously attractive itself, so why don't I try to attach our selling to that interesting show?" That small initiative was then immediately brought to reality. We set up our stall in front of the stage, where people could enjoy the whole show, while spontaneously buying something to eat and chatting with friends. Without question, I could protest that our effort would pay off, we would success.

And the "big night" finally came.
To be honest, that special night made us exhausted, even more exhausted than playing a soccer match. However, the most important goal was reached: we were really successful. Beyond the tired and sleepy face, we all prided of us, prided of what we had done for weeks. Eventually, our group's first "business" did not seem to be too bad, at least with the inexperienced tyros like us. The nosh-selling was a much noble thing than which we had expected, not because of the money we had earn, or the warm applause from our friends. Actually, that event has become a significant landmark in our lives, transforming us into the more self-motivated and confident students.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 18, 2008   #2
Wow, very interesting essay. In business they say "Location is everything!" Your location near the musicians was perfect!

Thanks for posting the essay. I shortened it as much as I could...
OP duy 1 / 4  
Dec 19, 2008   #3
Thank you very much Kevin. This is the first time I write the admission essay, and I have never thought that my essay will be good. Thank you!!!!!!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 20, 2008   #4
Well, it is no surprise that you can write in a meaningful way, because even though your English is not perfect, the fact that you are bilingual gives you special perspective on language. I wish I was bilingual! Maybe someday...

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