UNC Essay- If you could change one thing about where you live, what would it be? 250 word limit

School spirit is the string that holds together a pearl necklace. In a diverse group of students, belonging to the same school is a uniting factor for students, faculty and community alike. The string holding the pearls of my school is fraying.

​Rival football games are the epitome of school spirit. One would assume that the entire student body would be not only present, but be cheering passionately for our team. Unfortunately, at the rivalry game this year, only about one-third of the students at my school attended. I recalled going to the College Lacrosse Championships in Philadelphia: UNC's student section was triple the size of my entire school's crowd. The feeling of unity could be felt across the field; it was hard not to be swept up in the emotions of those wearing Carolina blue and white. It dawned on me that UNC students and Alumni were willing to travel across state lines just for lacrosse games, where as the kids at my school won't go a few miles for a local football game.

After attending that championship, I went back to my school wanting to share my experience. My peers and I expressed different ideas in which we could top other schools hype. School spirit is not just winning games, but rather the honoring the pride of the school. At the next football game, I stood in the crowd as I was captivated by a newfound enthusiasm embedded in my school. That night, the pearl necklace was strung as tight as could be.

@emcdivitt
Hi Evan! The whole feeling of this essay is pretty cool and I think you answer the prompt properly. To me, it may be better if you mention more about what you plan to do to change the problem. Also, I don't have much impression about the problem itself, for I don't think "one-third of the students at my school attended" is a limited number, so you may elaborate more about it to show the problem more vividly. Hopefully my suggestion can help you a little!

Evan, you did not respond to the prompt correctly. The prompt is asking you to reflect upon the community that you belong to. What are the problems that those in your community experience that you may or may not be experiencing as well? Why do you consider this a serious problem that should be solved or changed in the community? How do you think the problem can be resolved? These were the questions that required answers to which could not be provided by the narrative that you chose to tell in your statement.

An example of how to respond to this essay would be something along the lines of your family having running water in your house but your neighbors have to travel 1 hour to get to the nearest well in order to fetch fresh water for their own homes. The problem is that they have to travel to fetch water. How would you change the situation? You could say that you want to start write to the local government and tell them about the problem while starting some sort of fund raising in your own community, and also getting sponsors to help the community afford the expense of building your own deep well system for the residents. Or, you could start a petition to have the local water company create an affordable water system for your community.

Think along the lines of a problem that affects your community and how you can ideally, help to resolve the situation. That is the best method to present a response to the prompt.