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UNC Essay The Team That Drives Fantasy Football



srandhawa 10 / 154  
Jan 18, 2010   #1
So here is my UNC Undergrad essay, i dont have much confidence in this at all so please any harsh critiques, feedbacks, anything is greatlye appreciated. I tried to use a quirky type of topic, dont know if i had any success at all doing it. Thanks alot

Prompt: I'm using the one that allows you to create your own: Tell us about one of your favorite games and its significance

"Bounces off a tackle, spins forward, dives, did he get in... YES HE DID TOUCHDOWN WILLIS MCGAHEE!"

NOOO! Just give the ball to Ray Rice; he's the one doing all the dirty work. I need those six points from that touchdown McGahee just stole. Watch me lose by five points this week!

This is it, December: crunch time. One inopportune misfortune, perhaps a slip one yard from a touchdown, and that's all it takes to be eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs. That's the thrill of it. All that time projecting a player's performance through anticipating the variables, injuries, strength of opponent, and recent statistical trends, all hinges on one or two plays. One broken tackle can be the difference between extolling the audacious player for defying the ESPN "Fantasy Experts" and starting the unheralded waiver wire running back over the first round gem and mercilessly ridiculing him. Ultimately, five months of awkward screaming in front of a television in front of many others can all come down to that one final, longest yard. How beautiful, yet cruel!

But fantasy football is more than one defining moment; it's about the team! It's not about me, Ray Rice, Maurice Jones Drew, DeAngelo Williams or any of the players on the roster. It's about Sugar Rey, Mighty Mouse, and Double Trouble, as I call them, the teammates. That's their identity. It's the concept of team that allows me to think my Team Pretty Boyz can do the impossible and win as a 54 point underdog and fight another week.

Those other 19 who play in the NFL will never experience this team, but they are still alive and active. I communicate with them with every awkward scream to that television. It's those screams and realizations of the team that make fantasy football. That's what all the pressure and emotion is about; knowing each event carries twenty times the weight. But ultimately from that weight of 19 monsters that carry me, that impossible is nothing! I need that sense of invincibility; I need every bit of it for when I open page 417 of my physics book.

AnnAsburY 1 / 11  
Jan 19, 2010   #2
"One inopportune [...], just one of those ill timed misfortunes and that's all it takes to send my dream team home."

By saying inopportune and ill timed misfortunes, you are repeating the same idea of one thing can make the biggest difference so only use one or the other.
twizzlestraw 12 / 81  
Jan 19, 2010   #3
Well I like this one better, it was easier to follow.

Few things:
1) Your intro still confuses me on who exactly is speaking - but could just be me I guess.
2) That's their identity. What is "that"? Do you mean: The team is their identity.
3) I think your mention of "19" in your conclusion is a bit confusing. "Those other 19..." what exactly??? Haha, coulld just be me, are you referring to the real NFL in this sentence?

4) I only understod your mention of "19 monsters" becasue I read your other essay.
5) Haha, that last bit is just tacked on there. If you're going to randomly tie your essay to a real life situation - I would do something that has to do with a program or curriculum at UNC... Otherwise - just take that out...

Other than that, its much better. Also, I think talking about sports for UNC wasn't a bad strategy! =)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jan 22, 2010   #4
merriam-webster.com/netdict/inopportune

I guess I think inopportune misfortune is redundant. I thought for a long time, because I'm not sure... but... I guess the reader might think you are trying too hard to use the word "inopportune."

"inopportune moment" is cliched, i think, but you could write:
One inopportune misfortune event, perhaps a slip one yard from a touchdown, and that's is all it takes to be eliminated from the fantasy football playoffs.


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