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this is my essay for university of notre dame. i need help with making it better



oyinlola 1 / 1  
Oct 12, 2009   #1
QUESTION
In a homily during a visit to the United States, Pope Benedict XVI stated, "Today's celebration is more than an occasion of gratitude for graces received. It is also a summons to move forward with firm resolve to use wisely the blessings of freedom, in order to build a future of hope for coming generations". How will a Notre Dame education enable you to answer the call to "use wisely the blessings of freedom, in order to build a future of hope" for others in your own way?

ANS

I looked around and I saw a sea of faces, a multitude of people, old , young, expressing profound emotion of a woman who had touched their life in overwhelming ways. They were all there to celebrate the life and times of my grandmother and testify to her kindness. One of the people who gave a tribute was a nurse, Kate who 10 yrs ago was transferred from Abeokuta, Nigeria to Lagos, Nigeria. The distance between these towns was about 150km. The nurse was transferred to my grandma's unit and being new in Lagos, she had no accommodation so my grandma took her in for almost a month until she found her feet and rented her own accommodation. She was overwhelmed at the hospitality and care which my grandma showed her. She had never even known Grandma. Like the saying "little drops of water make a mighty ocean" my grandma made a great difference in Kate's life as she did in the lives of many others. Many people think making a difference is all about opening orphanages or starting charities but my grandma knew that making a difference was all about touching people's lives as you go on and she taught it to me and I'm grateful because she instilled in me kindness and consideration for others and taught me the importance of touching lives . Through her I came to understand the idea of giving back to community.

This was even more so at Children's developmental centre(CDC) which is a centre and school for mentally challenged children where I volunteer. At that centre I met people of all ages even adults too. I worked with the 4-8 yr olds and seeing them every week made me realize the profound challenges faced by these children and their families. I met an adorable girl called Ibiaye, who was 6 and a half years old,. Although she had learning disabilities , she loved to talk. The first day I got there, she asked me to be her friend and I couldn't resist smiling at her and hugging her.. I also met was a 5 yr old girl, Lolia who had cerebral palsy. Her speech was slurred, she had a learning difficulty and she couldn't't walk properly but every time she fell I saw the determination on her face to get back up. She was also eager to learn. I was the teacher's assistant so I taught her a lot of times and I was proud when she finally learnt to identify her ABC's. These children taught me the real value of patience and determination and showed me that they could build potential into skills

I discovered that children like Ibiaye despite their disabilities are always good at something else like baking or crafts and such centres are always good for them. I also discovered how many disabled children were in Nigeria and some of these children when born in poor families don't have the opportunities to go to centres. Quite a number of people in Nigeria are very traditional and therefore reject such children and some even kill the children and think of them of punishments. After a few days at the centre I knew what I wanted to do to help people if I was given the resources. I knew I wanted to help children with mental disabilities.

University of Notre dame believes in creating a sense of concern for the common good and I believe that a Notre Dame education will help give me the right foundation to help make a difference in my country. I am determined to create awareness for disabled children

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Oct 14, 2009   #2
After a few days at the centre, I knew what I wanted to do to help people if I was given the resources.

I added a comma above. It is not necessary, technically, but I think it makes it better.

Hey, you write beautifully, and you have a great story to tell! I suggest answering the question more directly, though. They are challenging you to analyze this notion of USING FREEDOM that is available to you in order to CREATE A FUTURE OF HOPE. This means that at the start of paragraph 2, you should directly answer their question.

Add a new paragraph #2 (so that para #2 becomes para #3) and refer directly to the Pope and his statement. Interpret what it means to create a future of hope, and acknowledge the ways in which an education at Notre Dame is going to increase your "freedom" and "empower" you to work toward achieving your ideal of a future of hope.

What threats cause us to have to hope? How does your intended major relate to providing hope? Answer those questions succinctly in para #2, and THEN go on to tell the story and give the examples.

Good luck!!


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