I am applying for UW Seattle.
This is my second draft. there are few blanks. I couldn't come up with words that I like.
Is the length OK? The suggested length is 750-1000 words
Please give me some feed back.
Thank you
Here is the prompt:
A. Academic Elements (required)
I can still remember the proudest day of my life. I stepped on to the campus of Dongguk University in Seoul, South Korea on a very cold day in March 2007. It was crowded and busy. There was a sense of urgency and excitement in the air. This was a day I had been dreaming about for six years.
In the year 2000, during my first year of high school, my parents got divorced and I had to go live with my mom. My mom had to work all day. I was an unsupervised 15-year-old with a bad attitude. I didn't like the formality and uniformity of the school system. I didn't think my outgoing and inquisitive personality fit in there. I started hanging out with the rebels at school and I stopped caring about studying and eventually dropped out in 2001. A year later, I ran away from home and moved to Seoul with my friends at 17.
I easily found part-time work in Seoul working in restaurants and cell phone stores. It was then that I began to learn some hard lessons. I realized how difficult it would be to be successful without a higher education. I felt like I hit a dead end at only 20 years old. I felt that there was no hope for my future. After three years of wasting time to blame others, I realized that I had to be responsible for myself and blaming others wouldn't help me. I had to make some tough choices and accept responsibility for my decisions and, ultimately, plan for my future.
After I passed the Korean GED, I studied for the College Scholastic Ability Test(CSAT) for a year and half. I had to start from scratch to catch up with all the high school material that I hadn't learned. It was not an easy choice for me to give up so many friendships and my life style but I was eager to learn and to start on a new path. While most students in Korea prepare for this test 3 years, I, because of my choices, could only spend a year and half studying but I still finished in the top 10%.
It took six years for me to finally get to university since I left school. I will never forget my first day. It was the first real goal I had ever set for myself and I stood there smiling knowing I had achieved it. It gave me such great confidence in myself and for the first time I believed I could do anything I set my mind to. This powerful moment has continued to motivate me. In 2007, I earned a 4.31 out of a 4.5 scale GPA and won an academic scholarship for the highest GPA in the Computer Science Department my first two semesters. Going from a run-away kid to the best student in my major, I felt like anything was possible.
My major was Computer Science. I found that I was really good at numbers and logic while I was studying for the CSAT. In Korea, my home country, many universities require students to decide their major when they first begin. I thought that I could use my strength at math and logic in the computer science area. I did very well in the classes. However, I didn't feel passionate about what I was studying. I couldn't imagine working with computers for the rest of my life. I wanted do something that I was passionate about. During this time, I was helping my mom invest in the stock and money markets so I read a lot about the markets and did a lot of research at the library and on the internet. I quickly found that I loved this work. I loved the numbers, I loved the language, and I loved that the whole world was involved. This inspired me to change me major to Accounting and Finance.
After achieving these goals I started to set new goals for myself. I wanted to see the world and meet different people from different cultures. Living in Korea as a Korean has its limits. There is not much opportunity to learn about the world as there is not much diversity there. I moved to Seattle with a new dream in 2008. I had to start from nothing again. I had no family and friends that could support me and my English ability was very low but at this point I believed in myself and I knew that nothing could stop me. The difficulties that I had to deal with as an immigrant and a non-native speaker pushed me further. As a result of my hard work, I have earned a 4.0 GPA for my two years at Bellevue College. I also have been hired as a tutor at the Bellevue College Accounting and Statistics Lab. Working as a tutor has given me a chance to learn how to work closely with instructors and peers and I am confident that I can help people.
I just got married to my husband, an American, who has lived in Seattle for 15 years. This interracial and intercultural marriage has helped me to see how my intelligence is not limited just analytical; it has also developed in me profound sense of empathy. I understand the power of language, the impact of culture, and how effectively communicate with people from all sorts of backgrounds and I believe that these will help me to add ____ to UW classes. My newest goal is to get into the Foster school at UW. I also expect that I will be able to build relationships with people who will be working in the same industry in Washington at UW. With a degree from the Foster School I hope to have a career as an accountant or a financial advisor. I have no doubt that getting my degree at UW will help me achieve every goal I have set for myself.
This is my second draft. there are few blanks. I couldn't come up with words that I like.
Is the length OK? The suggested length is 750-1000 words
Please give me some feed back.
Thank you
Here is the prompt:
A. Academic Elements (required)
I can still remember the proudest day of my life. I stepped on to the campus of Dongguk University in Seoul, South Korea on a very cold day in March 2007. It was crowded and busy. There was a sense of urgency and excitement in the air. This was a day I had been dreaming about for six years.
In the year 2000, during my first year of high school, my parents got divorced and I had to go live with my mom. My mom had to work all day. I was an unsupervised 15-year-old with a bad attitude. I didn't like the formality and uniformity of the school system. I didn't think my outgoing and inquisitive personality fit in there. I started hanging out with the rebels at school and I stopped caring about studying and eventually dropped out in 2001. A year later, I ran away from home and moved to Seoul with my friends at 17.
I easily found part-time work in Seoul working in restaurants and cell phone stores. It was then that I began to learn some hard lessons. I realized how difficult it would be to be successful without a higher education. I felt like I hit a dead end at only 20 years old. I felt that there was no hope for my future. After three years of wasting time to blame others, I realized that I had to be responsible for myself and blaming others wouldn't help me. I had to make some tough choices and accept responsibility for my decisions and, ultimately, plan for my future.
After I passed the Korean GED, I studied for the College Scholastic Ability Test(CSAT) for a year and half. I had to start from scratch to catch up with all the high school material that I hadn't learned. It was not an easy choice for me to give up so many friendships and my life style but I was eager to learn and to start on a new path. While most students in Korea prepare for this test 3 years, I, because of my choices, could only spend a year and half studying but I still finished in the top 10%.
It took six years for me to finally get to university since I left school. I will never forget my first day. It was the first real goal I had ever set for myself and I stood there smiling knowing I had achieved it. It gave me such great confidence in myself and for the first time I believed I could do anything I set my mind to. This powerful moment has continued to motivate me. In 2007, I earned a 4.31 out of a 4.5 scale GPA and won an academic scholarship for the highest GPA in the Computer Science Department my first two semesters. Going from a run-away kid to the best student in my major, I felt like anything was possible.
My major was Computer Science. I found that I was really good at numbers and logic while I was studying for the CSAT. In Korea, my home country, many universities require students to decide their major when they first begin. I thought that I could use my strength at math and logic in the computer science area. I did very well in the classes. However, I didn't feel passionate about what I was studying. I couldn't imagine working with computers for the rest of my life. I wanted do something that I was passionate about. During this time, I was helping my mom invest in the stock and money markets so I read a lot about the markets and did a lot of research at the library and on the internet. I quickly found that I loved this work. I loved the numbers, I loved the language, and I loved that the whole world was involved. This inspired me to change me major to Accounting and Finance.
After achieving these goals I started to set new goals for myself. I wanted to see the world and meet different people from different cultures. Living in Korea as a Korean has its limits. There is not much opportunity to learn about the world as there is not much diversity there. I moved to Seattle with a new dream in 2008. I had to start from nothing again. I had no family and friends that could support me and my English ability was very low but at this point I believed in myself and I knew that nothing could stop me. The difficulties that I had to deal with as an immigrant and a non-native speaker pushed me further. As a result of my hard work, I have earned a 4.0 GPA for my two years at Bellevue College. I also have been hired as a tutor at the Bellevue College Accounting and Statistics Lab. Working as a tutor has given me a chance to learn how to work closely with instructors and peers and I am confident that I can help people.
I just got married to my husband, an American, who has lived in Seattle for 15 years. This interracial and intercultural marriage has helped me to see how my intelligence is not limited just analytical; it has also developed in me profound sense of empathy. I understand the power of language, the impact of culture, and how effectively communicate with people from all sorts of backgrounds and I believe that these will help me to add ____ to UW classes. My newest goal is to get into the Foster school at UW. I also expect that I will be able to build relationships with people who will be working in the same industry in Washington at UW. With a degree from the Foster School I hope to have a career as an accountant or a financial advisor. I have no doubt that getting my degree at UW will help me achieve every goal I have set for myself.
