Hello, I am trying to apply to Uof Washington for fall/10. This is the first draft for my personal statement. I know it's not really all that great ahha. I would like some feedback and find out what i can improve on. Thank you !
"Be All That You Can Be"
Unmistakably, I was the only Asian-American in the whole company. The color of my skin, my Chinese last name and my oriental accent had made me stood out from the rest even though we were all wearing the same uniform. It was a fact. I knew that and so did everybody else, but more importantly, they see me by the content of my character. The battalion commander came up to me and shook my hand as he whispered, "good job soldier, you made it." I quietly thanked him as he handed me the certificate of achievement for my excellence in weapon qualification and promoted me into Private Second Class on the stage. It was the graduation and also the last day of my basic and advance combat training in the United States Army. I reminisced my first day of training as if it was yesterday. I still remember how my lips were quivering uncontrollably as the drill sergeant shouted in my face on the first morning of basic combat training. However,no matter how hard the training was, I have never thought about quiting, because I knew that military life is the life that I chose to live, and I could not imagine doing anything else but serving my country.
The day I turned eighteen years old, I knew that all I wanted to do is to join the military. I wanted to join because of the challenges and the disciplines that military has to offer and also because of patriotism, and the desire to become a part of something that is bigger than myself. Nonetheless, upon all other reasons, I joined the military because I felt that it was my obligation to protect the American way of life, the lifestyle which ,with hard work and determination, everyone is capable of achieving success despite their race, religion, or socioeconomic status. About eight years ago, my mother, brother and I immigrated from Hong Kong to America. The salary from my mother's full time job along with the monthly child support check from my father are only enough to cover our needs. My mother, who grew up in Vietnam, would always told me that she never had the access to an education because of the civil war, so with that in mind, I have always taken my privilege to an education very seriously. During my first year of school in America, I had encountered many discrimination, cultural differences and academic difficulties since English is not my native language. I have been called a "gook", a "fob"(stands for fresh off the boat, a derogatory term referring mostly to Asian immigrants) or other nasty racial slurs that you could have imagined; Not only verbal abuses, I have even faced physical hostilities before. Although I was angry at those who mistreated me, I did not let their ignorance and hatred get the best of me. Instead of retaliation, I turned these frustration into fuel. I vowed to myself that I would be recognized by the content of my character rather than the color of my skin or my accent. My determination have helped me to conquer any obstacle that I might have in life. My efforts did not go unnoticed; I graduated high school with Magna Cum Laude.
Although, I have chosen the military as my career, I have never gave up on pursuing higher education. After high school, I enrolled at a local community college before I left for military training. During my first academic quarter, I have developed deep interests in international studies and political science. Not only was I fascinated by the current international conflicts and how it affects to our government, I was also astonished by the stimulating cultures of other countries. I felt that these knowledge would help me along the way in my military career. Upon returning from my military training, I have decided to continue my education and become a commission officer in the army. Although sometime it is difficult to accommodate school with my upcoming deployment to the Middle Eastern region, I still managed to maintain my GPA above 3.5 . I have applied as a transfer student to University of Washington because University of Washington offers some of the best International studies program in the nation, and it also features an extensive Army Reserve Officer Training Corp on campus. I believe that attending University of Washington would enhance both my academic and military career. With the life experiences I possess, I would overcome any challenges that I might face, rather it is a deployment to a war zone or writing a research paper.
"Be All That You Can Be"
Unmistakably, I was the only Asian-American in the whole company. The color of my skin, my Chinese last name and my oriental accent had made me stood out from the rest even though we were all wearing the same uniform. It was a fact. I knew that and so did everybody else, but more importantly, they see me by the content of my character. The battalion commander came up to me and shook my hand as he whispered, "good job soldier, you made it." I quietly thanked him as he handed me the certificate of achievement for my excellence in weapon qualification and promoted me into Private Second Class on the stage. It was the graduation and also the last day of my basic and advance combat training in the United States Army. I reminisced my first day of training as if it was yesterday. I still remember how my lips were quivering uncontrollably as the drill sergeant shouted in my face on the first morning of basic combat training. However,no matter how hard the training was, I have never thought about quiting, because I knew that military life is the life that I chose to live, and I could not imagine doing anything else but serving my country.
The day I turned eighteen years old, I knew that all I wanted to do is to join the military. I wanted to join because of the challenges and the disciplines that military has to offer and also because of patriotism, and the desire to become a part of something that is bigger than myself. Nonetheless, upon all other reasons, I joined the military because I felt that it was my obligation to protect the American way of life, the lifestyle which ,with hard work and determination, everyone is capable of achieving success despite their race, religion, or socioeconomic status. About eight years ago, my mother, brother and I immigrated from Hong Kong to America. The salary from my mother's full time job along with the monthly child support check from my father are only enough to cover our needs. My mother, who grew up in Vietnam, would always told me that she never had the access to an education because of the civil war, so with that in mind, I have always taken my privilege to an education very seriously. During my first year of school in America, I had encountered many discrimination, cultural differences and academic difficulties since English is not my native language. I have been called a "gook", a "fob"(stands for fresh off the boat, a derogatory term referring mostly to Asian immigrants) or other nasty racial slurs that you could have imagined; Not only verbal abuses, I have even faced physical hostilities before. Although I was angry at those who mistreated me, I did not let their ignorance and hatred get the best of me. Instead of retaliation, I turned these frustration into fuel. I vowed to myself that I would be recognized by the content of my character rather than the color of my skin or my accent. My determination have helped me to conquer any obstacle that I might have in life. My efforts did not go unnoticed; I graduated high school with Magna Cum Laude.
Although, I have chosen the military as my career, I have never gave up on pursuing higher education. After high school, I enrolled at a local community college before I left for military training. During my first academic quarter, I have developed deep interests in international studies and political science. Not only was I fascinated by the current international conflicts and how it affects to our government, I was also astonished by the stimulating cultures of other countries. I felt that these knowledge would help me along the way in my military career. Upon returning from my military training, I have decided to continue my education and become a commission officer in the army. Although sometime it is difficult to accommodate school with my upcoming deployment to the Middle Eastern region, I still managed to maintain my GPA above 3.5 . I have applied as a transfer student to University of Washington because University of Washington offers some of the best International studies program in the nation, and it also features an extensive Army Reserve Officer Training Corp on campus. I believe that attending University of Washington would enhance both my academic and military career. With the life experiences I possess, I would overcome any challenges that I might face, rather it is a deployment to a war zone or writing a research paper.