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UPenn optional essay- tell us about you

postscript94 5 / 14  
Dec 29, 2011   #1
Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.

I wrote two different versions for my prompt let me know which one you think is better
I'm also not sure if my apporach to this prompt actually answers the question and makes sense. Should I just be straightforward and talk about me? Any hellp would be appreciated thanks!

Four pieces of corkboard strategically placed to form a diamond shape adorn a wall of my yellow room. On the bottom most piece the makeshift bulletin board one can find old faded "Pearl Before Swine" comic strips and a ticket from the Harry Potter and the Death Hollows Part Two midnight show. Underneath is a flyer from a Maroon 5 concert. On the adjoining corkboard is a thank you card from the nurses at JFK Hospital along with the doodle of a bird. A used, slightly ripped boarding pass to Kyoto abuts an email address scribbled on notebook paper, this email belongs to Ai, a Japanese boarding school student. Also on the makeshift bulletin board is a picture of a girls soccer team. Throughout the bulletin board are random doodles several old paper snowflakes and friendship bracelets. Clumsily yet somewhat artfully placed on this bulletin board are pieces of the last 17 years of my life.

Four pieces of corkboard strategically placed to form a diamond shape adorn a wall of the yellow room. Clumsily yet somewhat artfully placed is a picture of a girl's soccer team, a used, slightly ripped boarding pass to Tokyo, a thank you card from the JFK Hospital's 3 East A staff, and several faded Pearl Before Swine comic strips. Underneath the collage is a bookshelf with every one of Jane Austen's novels and leaned up against it is a beautiful acoustic guitar. On the other side lies a desk piled with textbooks, folders and binders, next to them lies a laptop and a mug filled with 20 different kinds of writing utensils and a candy cane. A neatly made bed sharply contrasts with the clothes and scarves strewn across the chair and a closet with a curtain instead of rolling doors lies slightly exposed. My room scattered with the things that matter to me and traces of the life I lead.
bookbug_xd 8 / 24  
Dec 29, 2011   #2
Hey, these are really descriptive responses!
However, I think you should emphasize on objects that elaborate on your interests. For example, the second response includes a beautiful acoustic guitar. This shows your passion for music.

Pick those kinds of objects to provide a greater indications about your personality to the admissions officers!
rosomp - / 11  
Dec 29, 2011   #3
I would go with the second one. As Aromie said, it's very descriptive, but it also defines you more than the first one does. Colleges like to see well-rounded students, and you have managed to describe yourself as such in a way that is not often seen in college essays. Nicely done, Pallavi!
nr554 1 / 18  
Dec 29, 2011   #4
I like the second one a lot! This response helps the college know about your interests more in detail and I love the ending to this one... the guitar is a nice touch!

Could you help critique my essay?
ChihiroLavi 4 / 52  
Dec 29, 2011   #5
It's well-written~~~

I prefer the second one~g
JackSparrow 2 / 8  
Dec 29, 2011   #6
Second one! and I liked how you ended it.
silentspring 12 / 58  
Dec 29, 2011   #7
I like second one too. The ending is cute.
lee235717 - / 16  
Dec 30, 2011   #8
I like the second one. I don't if you answered the entire prompt though. It asks about your identity and background to show how it guides your day to day experiences.
jasononwenu 5 / 19  
Dec 30, 2011   #9
I like the second one. It is adeptly written and it implies your day-to-day experiences and identity.
Kielbasy - / 7  
Dec 30, 2011   #10
To be a total conformist, I must agree: Go with number two. The second one is just as descriptive as the first, but it gives a more balanced view of who you are - books, a guitar, school things, soccer photo, etc.

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Mind taking a look at mine?

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