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Urbana-Champaign Essay review/edits Computer Science - Artificial Intelligence and Bioinformatics


AviPatel1 1 / -  
Aug 31, 2019   #1

plan on majoring in Computer Science and Statistics at UIUC



Prompt:
Explain your interest in the major you selected and describe how you have recently explored or developed this interest inside and/or outside the classroom. You may also explain how this major relates to your future career goals. If you're applying to the Division of General Studies, explain your academic interests and strengths or your future career goals. You may include any majors or areas of study you're currently considering. Limit your response to 300 to 400 words.

Major: Computer Science and Statistics

Essay:
It was a Thursday night back in the 3rd grade. I just finished preparing for bed. When I got in bed, I closed my eyes with the intentions of going to sleep. Within minutes, a whole artificial world came to life. Before I knew it, my house transformed into a house 20 years from the future. Robots brought me water and brushed my teeth. My whole family could sleep on the drive to Los Angeles in our self driving car. My brain had internet connectivity. This was like heaven for me until I woke up the next morning to another monotonous day of school.

These dreams were routine for me throughout childhood until 6th grade when I learnt about the field of Computer Science. The thought that I could turn my childhood dreams into reality drew me to pursue programming.

Seen by many as a daunting task, programming for me is effortless. I first began programming in the 7th grade when I was introduced to Javascript. As the years passed, basic Javascript paved the path for full stack web development and Python programming. Today I am proud to say that I am literate in 7 programming languages. A large portion of my free time, when not socializing with friends, is spent broadening my knowledge base in computer programming and reading up about various developments in computer science. I am also an avid attendee at Hackathons.

In my High School years, I have had the honor of being recruited by my school's Engineering and Computer Science department to serve as a mentor and a peer tutor to many students taking their first computer science course. Students would reach out to me with problems both basic and complex. I would find the most simple way to explain the solution to them. My passion for programming not only has the power to make my childhood dreams a reality but it has given me rewarding experiences spreading my love for programming.

At UIUC, I plan on majoring in Computer Science and Statistics with a focus on a combination of both Artificial Intelligence and Bioinformatics. With this combination, I one day hope to start my own company focused on developing an AI-powered wearable health diagnosis device that is both accessible to the masses and smartphone integrated.

Can you guys please provide me with good feedback and suggest edits?

Bastian 1 / 2 2  
Sep 1, 2019   #2
Your essay has some great evidence to back up your interest in Computer Science. However, it's a little incohesive and doesn't flow as smoothly as well as it could, especially in the first paragraph. It could be improved by a change in the structure of some sentences.

I just finished (...) going to sleep.

I had just got into bed with the intention of a sound night of blissful sleep, but my mind had other plans for me.

This was like ... of school.

I was neck-deep in my technological fantasies until my morning alarm awoke me to disappointment, monotony and the drag of normal school life.

These dreams were ... The thought that ...

My techno-savvy wonderland continued to act as a respite from this boredom. There was nothing comparable in real life. Not even close. At least until I started Computer Science in 6th grade. Realising, for the very first time, that I could make my dreams come true, programming became my life and blood.

Seen by many as ... As the years passed... the path way for... Python programming.

Maybe it was my unprecedented drive to learn or the excellent support by my mentors and peers, but programming soon became second nature.

Today I am proud to say that I am proudly multilingual, literate in ... A large ... , when not socializing with friends, is spent broadening my knowledge base in diving deeper into computer science and reading up about various developments in computer science the field.

I am also ... at Hackathons.

Naturally wanting to push myself further, I found Hackathons to be fun competitive events to test myself.

In my high school years, I have had the honor ... course.

...served as a mentor and peer tutor in my school's Engineering & Computer Science department for students who were taking their first computer science course. Seeing many of them code for the first time often led to nostalgia and the experience allowed me to give many young students the help which I had received so many years prior.

Students would reach ... complex which I'd help them resolve by guiding them through the solutions. I would find ... to them. In this way, I realised that my passion for programming ... but it has given me ... programming.

...could do so for many other people as well and I could be the conduit through whom it does.

At UIUC, I ... focus on a combination of both Artificial ... With this combination With the combined expertise, I one day hope ... company focused on developing an which develops AI-powered wearable health diagnosis diagnostic devices that is which are both accessible to ...

These are all the changes I could conceive. I'd advise you to reconsider the final point about your own company's product as such devices are already becoming quite accessible and technologically advanced as you suggest. Hence, your aspirations may appear uninspired. Otherwise, your expertise and experience in Computer Science shines through and isn't that the point?

I hope I could be of help!
pc_pc - / 2  
Sep 1, 2019   #3
The third paragraph starts to share your specific origin story, like that of a superhero. In the third paragraph, describe a specific piece of software that you dreamed of having (to tie it back to the theme of using dreams) and that you developed. What was enjoyable about the process (making decisions about the design, finding all the test cases so a human could use it without it breaking, etc.)?


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