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USC -activity (the student council at school) and academic interests (business)


zdmw911 9 / 32  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Any constructive criticism/pointless musings are appreciated!

Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why. Please feel free to talk about an activity other than one you may have discussed in your essay.

My involvement in the student council at school was very important to me. During the interview and application process, I carved a niche for myself by emphasizing the three "R"s which described me - realistic, reliable and responsible - words that were alien in the current council. In addition, I upheld my values tenaciously and exuded pragmatism. These were the qualities that got me accepted. I was taught a valuable lesson; intuition and integrity takes you far in life. The activity itself was very rewarding because it provided me with a vast array of opportunities for leadership. My favorite achievement was when I formed a liaison with a neighboring school's student council so that we could make joint efforts, especially in terms of environmental action. Forming this liaison involved talks with their vice principal and teachers, as well as presenting my ideas at an assembly at my own school, where we invited some students from the neighboring school's student council to talk.

Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections. [my 1st and 2nd choice majors are the biological sciences and business administration]

The tangible and concrete nature of the natural sciences, especially the biological sciences, makes it a compelling area of study. Unlike its counterparts, chemistry and physics, the biological sciences provides unprecedented opportunities for field research, rather than strictly laboratory research. Additionally, Los Angeles is home to many biotechnology firms which will allow me to explore internships while at USC. Unlike any other undergraduate biological sciences program I have come across, USC provides students with a research opportunity at an exotic location like the Catalina Island. My single-sided deafness also motivates me to continue education in the biological sciences; I look forward to using USC's research facilities and knowledgeable faculty to obtain the research skills I will need for developing treatments for this disease.

A course in business administration at the Marshall School of Business appeals to me because of its perfect blend of empiricism and theory; it has roots in very tangible subjects such as the sciences, but also has the abstract and theory of the liberal arts. Taking part in student organizations is an integral part of the USC education because business concepts cannot just be learned, but must be applied to the real world as well. The USC-sponsored Southern California Business Film Festival is something I definitely look forward to participating in, as it will not only further my grasp of business concepts, but also provide me with a way to engage in my creative interests. I would like to join the USC student organization Los Angeles Community Impact (LACI) to help improve the Los Angeles community for the academic enrichment the city provides me with.
cvmiller39 3 / 10  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
This first essay is a very good start. I believe it can be tweaked slightly to become an excellent response.
-My involvement in the student council at school was very important to me.
The goal is to grasp the reader as early as possible. This sentence is not as powerful as it needs to be. Be personal and real.

- During the interview and application process, I carved a niche for myself by emphasizing the three "R"s which described me - realistic, reliable and responsible - words that were alien in the current council. In addition, I upheld my values tenaciously and exuded pragmatism. These were the qualities that got me accepted.

I don't think the last part of the first sentence is neccessary here. This is a personal essay. You do not want to stray from that too much. This part of the essay is a good place to highlight your skills and the actions you took. Make it especially strong. "Tenaciously" is the right idea.

-My favorite achievement was when I formed a liaison with a neighboring school's student council so that we could make joint efforts, especially in terms of environmental action. Forming this liaison involved talks with their vice principal and teachers, as well as presenting my ideas at an assembly at my own school, where we invited some students from the neighboring school's student council to talk.

My concern with these last two sentences is the shift in focus. The reader understands this is your favorite achievement, but why specifically is that the case? Is is because it was an "opportunity for leadership"? If so, make this connection stronger. That is my chief concern with the whole essay.

As far as the other essay goes, also a good effort. Just a few things:
- "the biological sciences" is a plural noun. "...the biological sciences provides provide unprecedented opportunities for field research,"
-the last sentence is a bit wordy. Try: "I would like to join the USC student organization Los Angeles Community Impact (LACI) in order to demonstrate my gratitude for the academic enrichment Los Angeles provides for me. " Something that lets them know you are thankful, but in the least # of words possible.

Hope this helps! Also please read and comment on my CMU essay!
-Andrew

Please read my CMU essay and post feedback!
OP zdmw911 9 / 32  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
^ Thanks cvmiller. I already gave you feedback but you've obviously gone through my essay in much more detail. I'll post some more detailed feedback in a bit.


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