USC "Only passions, great passions" USC Transfer Essay

Question:The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, "Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things." Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.

Essay:

When one of my favorite bands, The Graduate, took the stage on a school night of my senior year, it was just like any other concert; pushing and shoving left me drenched in what I try to tell myself is just my own sweat. Afterwards I went home and collapsed into my bed, my unfinished homework lying next to me.

However, the next day was unlike any other. My best friend received the decision from his top choice school, Queens University, located in Ontario, miles away from my small town in California. He got in. The decision only became more devastating as my rejection letters started flooding in. After only two acceptances from Sonoma and San Francisco, schools I didn't particularly want to attend, thinking that neither of them are the best schools to help me reach my dreams of becoming an Artists and Repertoire representative for a record label. I decided to attend community college in the fall in hope to make my dreams a reality.

My friend left last Thursday for Canada and my desire to go to a University and pursue a higher education only burns stronger. I have come to the realization that listening to music all day and attending concerts at night is not going to get me anywhere. Sporting those oh-so-trendy skinny jeans that have solidified my nickname as "chicken legs," is not going to help me start a career in the tumultuous music industry. It was going to take an education. It was going to take one of the only schools that I have seen that offers a major in "music industry."

I have always loved music. Especially now as I struggle to teach myself the piano, I am astounded that anyone can pick up an instrument and piece together sounds to make something so magical. It was only after two years of telling everyone I knew that I wanted to design video games for a living, strictly for my love of spending hours with my XBOX 360, that I became involved in a discussion about dream jobs. I excitedly told the others I wanted to "Be in a band, or scout out new bands for record labels to sign." Being the genius that I am, I thought, "you know, that could be an actual thing." Google confirmed my suspicions; the job was titled Artists and Repertoire, A&R for short. I immediately shifted my goals. I wanted to be an A&R rep.

My passion for music and strong desire to spend the rest of my life helping out smaller bands who deserve the fame and attention that is unfortunately given to the wrong acts, helped me make the decision to continue my studies by going to Foothill College, because of the reputation of their transfer program. After barely keeping my 3.0 average throughout my high school career, Foothill has given me a second chance. I am now enjoying school and working hard, knowing the effects of my hard work now will take me far later in life when I need it. Of course, I am still going to concerts, because it is what I love, but I now retire in a bed with a tidy backpack next to it prepared for my next day at school. I have come to realize that without an education, I will not be able to continue doing what I love.

Music fuels my every move. All the hard work I am now investing in Foothill will hopefully allow me to attend USC in the fall of 2009 to work around so many industry experts that will help complete my goal of working with music for the rest of my life.

You spend an awful lot of time dwelling on negative aspects of yourself -- poor study habits, low academic average, etc. -- in what should be an essay meant to sell yourself by highlighting your strengths. Maybe you could cut out most of the negative stuff, and focus more heavily on your love of music. Why do you like music, exactly? What do you think makes good music? If you think small bands are better than famous ones, why do you think the famous ones become famous? And so on.

Doesn't focusing on how the negatives became positives answer the prompt of how my passion, music, contributed to my personal growth?

You could still answer the prompt without focusing on the negatives. You merely need to tell how your love of music has inspired you to accomplish much that is positive. You don't need to explain, in detail, how much of a slacker you were before you discovered a love of music. At most, you might mention this briefly in the first sentence. But the focus should be squarely on the positive aspects of your personality and life.

Here is an idea:

Sporting those oh-so-trendy, skinny jeans that have solidified my nickname as "chicken legs" is not going to help me start a career in the tumultuous music industry. This is going to require an education -- one from a school that offers a major in "music industry."

But actually, now that i think of it, what does the sporting of the jeans have to do with the education? You write in an interesting way! I don't know if you should omit this part because of the irrelevance of the chicken legs thing... or keep it because it shows your personality! It is generally not good to have something that is irrelevant to the main idea of the paragraph. (That might ust be the most important advice I ever gave!) Oh, I know! Put it in parenthesis. That is why God invented parentheses, so you can include irrelevant stuff and get away with it. Put the chicken legs part in parentheses.

For the rest of it... I think you need to start with the paragraph about music being your passion. That way, it all makes sense. It shows attention to the question.