Thank you bunches in advance to whoever reads and critiques this! I will be happy to critique your essays as well. :D
My first question: Does it, as a whole or any individual paragraph/section) bore you to death? I'm not necessarily going for entertaining, but it needs to hold your interest. Do the first several sentences draw you in, or could I do better?
Secondly: I am looking for help on organization and transitions between ideas/paragraphs, rather than grammar/spelling issues (unless you see something that bugs you to no end...then go for it!).
Thirdly: If you see anything that you think is unnecessary or redundant, please let me know. I also hate cliches (unless they are truly honest and heartfelt). I know my conclusion is cliche sounding, but that is honestly how I feel.
Finally: Having never written an admission essay until now, I am concerned it might not be focused or that the body doesn't support my thesis. Does my thesis (1st paragraph, last sentence) need to be clearer?
Essay:
I admit this with pride. I am the stereotypical "small town girl" dreaming of moving to a "big city." My soul thrives on change and personal challenges. My confidence in this assertion's truth grew with alacrity recently as I mulled over past events in my life. After merely two years studying German, upon graduating high school I traveled to Germany, immersing myself in a culture not different from my own in most social aspects, yet linguistically strange. While on my first home stay, I greeted the communication difficulties not with stress and frustration, but with fascination and a determination to improve. The first pangs of homesickness hit me when I left the Neppach family, whom I considered as a home away from home after only four days, for Munich. Possessing little familiarity with cities, I walked down the cobble stone streets with a wide-eyed wonder tinged by fear, a fear the tourist delights quickly dissipated. Before leaving to stay with a second family, I was given free will to explore Munich for a day on my own terms while my American comrades returned to the United States. I still cherish the independence and self confidence I felt that day. Similarly, University of Texas and Austin hold the same type of intimidating mystique for a girl firmly established in her no-name home town. With my love of new and challenging experiences, University of Texas represent the delectable feast my soul now yearns for.
When fondly reminiscing of the roots of influence that led to my decision to major in theatre with a focus on theatre technology, I invariably dwell on the British show, Masterpiece Theatre. At the age of eight, what drew me to the television screen for an hour or more once a week was not the drama or the romance, but the magnificent costumes. Watching fictional eighteenth century aristocratic women cinched into richly colored silk gowns glide effortlessly across ballroom floors, I imagined myself joining in their vain delights. In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock clothed in emerald green, staring languidly out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor, but the person creating that part of her character.
The first formal gown I sewed, of royal blue duchess satin, involved less than a week of sleep deprived fervor. Forced to abandon plans for an overly ambitious project occupying an unrealistic time space, the last resort planning of "Ada" produced stunning results. After completing the finishing touches, I arrived to senior prom fashionably late and proud of my work. I adamantly believe that my attention to detail, adherence to deadlines, and appreciation for color, cloth, and construction qualify me as a natural candidate for my chosen major. Although my main interest lies in costume construction, I am eager to master the aspects of costume, stage, and lighting design with the understanding that all these elements must coexist for the production to succeed as a whole. Besides my wish for an education from experienced instructors teaching vigorous courses, I hope to add to this school and department the enthusiasm years of interest has developed.
The ideal future I see ahead of me takes me on a journey of personal enrichment academically and socially. It provides me with unique perspectives from encountering new places and people. New levels of independence and responsibilities also factor in with what I expect. Ultimately, my goal is to gain the necessary tools to give something practical, innovative, and helpful back to the world. I dream of finding all this and more at the University of Texas.
-Jennifer Thompson
Hi Jennifer!
You are a wonderful writer! I love your essay. It flows with colorful language. I made only a few changes or made a few comments with respect to the essay. Otherwise, I do wish you luck with your educational endeavors at the U of T!
Mark :)
The first pangs of homesickness hit me when I left the Neppach family, whom I considered as a home away from home after only four days, for Munich.
--> While there is little wrong with this sentence in your mind, there is a sense that the space between "left the Neppach family" and "for Munich" is too long. I would certainly re-work the sentence so that the space is not that great.
Similarly, University of Texas and Austin hold the same type of intimidating mystique for a girl firmly established in her no-name home town
--> I don't know what you are trying to say here, so it is difficult for me to correct it, if it does need correcting.
After completing the finishing touches, I arrived toat the senior prom fashionably late and proud of my work.
First off, i really enjoyed reading your essay, you are skilled writer.
I agree with what the the poster above wrote, and i also think that you should come up with more creative ending sentence. Your essay is really alive and colorful until that point.
Best of luck with admissions!
Thank you! :)
It's still in the process toward perfection; my thesis needs to better reflect the body and some of the words could be spiced up a bit. I actually enjoyed writing it and think it captures my personality and what I want to tell the admission board pretty well.
some of the word can be spiced up a bit. but after all it is well written
hey I am wrote a transfer essay myself.. and I believe your work is amazing and clearly tells a story, flows perfectly, and most importantly has a tone that makes a reader feel like he knows you.. With some small touches this good be a great piece for admissions.. goodluck..
EF Kevin, Thank you!
"--- this sentence does not convey enough meaning to justify all the complexity and multi-syllabic words.
Agreed.
"Don't have the first para be about the trip to Germany; tell about it in para #2. Use paragraph #1 to introduce the theme that unites determination, the trip to germany, the focus on theatre, and the project. All these ideas are united in ONE theme, and it is your essay's theme."
I agree that it needs more focus in the intro. What if I could introduce the theme with just the thesis sentence? If I use the entire intro paragraph just to summarize my theme, I will have to cut out another paragraph to keep the page limit. I feel that my intro paragraph as a whole really draws the reader in and immediately shows my personality.
It is hard to boil it down to one theme. I would say it is all united by "my enthusiasm for uncharted, arduous experiences" How about this as my thesis?
With my enthusiasm for uncharted, arduous experiences as well as my passion for sewing, the University of Texas and its Theatre program represent the novel territory for which my soul now yearns.
What do you think about the "theme in the thesis" compromise?
Hi Jennifer,
Kevin's comments offers a perspective that I believe will strengthen your writing and focus. He's truly a great sounding board. I enjoyed reading your essay. Good Luck.
Oh, I know what you mean!You have to keep it within the word limit. Well, I think you can add a thesis statement to part of that intro para and divide it in two pieces so that you have one part of it working as a short intro para and the next part will be para #2.
With my enthusiasm for uncharted, arduous experiences as well as my passion for sewing, the University of Texas and its Theatre program represent the novel territory for which my soul now yearns.
As for this thesis... I still think you have the habit of trying to make up for not having much CONTENT by having flowery words. What this sentence above actually says is, "I like new challenges and sewing and theatre, so i want to do the theatre program at UT.
That is not a very powerful thesis. BUT if you write a sentence about a common thread, an underlying principle that is at work in theatre, sewing, and exploration -- then you will hae a unique and intriguing essay.
So... the goal is not to use impressive words like yearn and arduous. The goal is to say something as unique as you are. Share your most interesting observation.
Alright, I understand what you are suggesting better. Thank you very much and I will seriously consider your advice and try my best to make it work. It would make more sense to have a short, general introductory paragraph (reflecting the style of the conclusion paragraph) and then get to the specifics in the following paragraphs.
"an underlying principle that is at work in theatre, sewing, and exploration." I'll find one by golly...
"I still think you have the habit of trying to make up for not having much CONTENT by having flowery words. "
Ouch...yeah I think I do have that problem but haven't realized it. I would much prefer flowery words AND content.
It's hard to see/accept the problems in an essay you really love; one your English professor with a doctorate degree gushed over. And when you have a lot of pride in your writing skills. It would be foolish to turn down reasonable advice and end up with a weaker essay because of pride. This is the most important essay I have ever written and I want to it be near perfection. So thank you indeed for your more stinging reinterpretation of your original critique. :)
I would much prefer flowery words AND content.
Well... note that some excellent writers, like Hemingway, Stephen King, and Ursula LeGuin (some of my favorites) all have simple, sometimes playful styles of writing... And not very flowery.
In real life or in writing, I am able to be flowery, but it makes a bad impression!
Flowery words = bad
sophisticated sentence structure = good
So... I guess I am of the opinion that big words should only be used when their meaning does an excellent job of conveying the specific idea you want to convey.
About stinging criticism: do not take it too seriously. It is the method used in courts, where attorneys argue opposing views in order to dig out the truth. If I tell you a thesis is weak, argue against what I say, and you'll get to the truth. But... don't let my critique discourage you!
No, it does not discourage me. It makes your point more understandable. I do not see how stronger vocabulary makes a bad impression even in conveying ideas of even medium complexity. It adds to the impression that you have strong literary skills, which I understand is very important in the collegiate and working worlds, and adds interest.
I read a lot of Charles Dickens, who possessed an incredible vocabulary. Of course his sentence structure was also incredible. And many of those words have fallen out of modern use. Nonetheless, I don't think society's writing should lose that kind of rich vocabulary
I do agree though that the thesis's idea is weak.
level of complexity of sentence idea and/or structure = level of complexity of vocab.
I don't think it should be as cut and dry as this because it doesn't take into account the connotations and moods created by words.
For example:
"My confidence in this assertion grew with alacrity recently as I mulled over past events in my life."
Yes, a simple idea. But the vocabulary carries connotations that show my personality and my individual experience with that idea. alacrity-specifies speed, it was a sudden development; Mulled-I like to contemplate.
I am deleting this sentence though because it is an unnecessary idea.
My brother told me that it is important to have the amplifier volume higher than the output volume on the guitar. Something about making sure the amp volume is able to accommodate the large output volume of the guitar. I don't really understand it. But it came to mind when discussing this with you. In this analogy, the amp represents... um.. nevermind, it was a bad analogy! ha ha, I am useless.
"My confidence in this assertion grew with alacrity recently as I mulled over past events in my life."
Yes, a simple idea. But the vocabulary carries connotations that show my personality and my individual experience with that idea. alacrity-specifies speed, it was a sudden development; Mulled-I like to contemplate.
I would write this sentence this way:
"My confidence in this assertion grew as I mulled over past events."
I cut out "of my life" because the words are extra, cut out "with alacrity" because it is a phrase that functions like an adverb and I hate adverbs, and "recently" because it is an adverb and I hate adverbs. I keep mull because action verbs are awesome.
Ha ha... well, I don't know. You make a good point when you say the flowery words demonstrate your vocab and also sort of celebrate the beauty of language.
This is a really well written essay. However, the sentences could be condensed considerably. Being concise yet eloquent would be key to this essay. You should probably adjust the complex sentences near the next to last paragraph. The imagery and personal accounts make this essay engaging.
Amp. volume higher than output volume for accommodation...
The sentence structure and meanings' "volume" should be higher than the vocabulary's "volume" to accommodate the vocabulary's high "volume". Kinda sorta works.
Wow, I don't see why adverbs are so terrible that they should be hated. Parts of speech have feelings too.
Thank you Partooz, I've condensed what I could see that needed condensing.
Here is my currently revised draft:
I am the stereotypical "small town girl" dreaming of moving to a "big city." Personal challenges and change carry me outside of my comfort zone and into a more desirable place of benefit. Whether I succeed in a challenge, such as connecting with the horse I ride, or fail, such as transforming my nonathletic self into a pole vaulter, I always win insight. In all of my goals I resolve to improve myself in practical knowledge and virtue.
My senior year I accomplished the goal of traveling to Germany, immersing myself in a culture similar to my own in most social aspects, yet linguistically strange. I greeted the communication difficulties not with frustration, but with fascination and a determination to improve. The first pangs of homesickness hit me when I departed the Neppach family, who captured my heart in four days, for Munich. Possessing little familiarity with cities, I walked down its cobblestone streets in wide-eyed wonder tinged by a timidity that tourist delights quickly dissipated. Before catching a train destined for my second home stay, I utilized the privilege of free will to explore Munich for a day while my American comrades returned to the United States. I still cherish the self-assurance that surged through me that day. The University of Texas and Austin hold the same imposing mystique that Munich held for a girl firmly established in her inconspicuous home town.
When fondly reminiscing of the roots of influence that led to my decision to major in theatre with a focus on theatre technology, I dwell on Masterpiece Theatre. What drew me as a child to the television screen was not the drama or the romance, but the magnificent costumes. Watching fictional eighteenth-century aristocratic women cinched into richly colored silk gowns float across ballroom floors, I wistfully sighed. In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock garbed in emerald green, staring languidly out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor. I saw myself creating that part of her character.
The first formal gown I sewed involved less than a week of sleep deprived fervor. Forced to abandon plans for an overly ambitious project, the last resort planning of "Ada" produced stunning results. I arrived at the senior prom fashionably late and delighted with my work. My attention to detail, adherence to deadlines, and appreciation for color, cloth, and construction alone qualify me as a natural candidate for my chosen major. I anticipate studying the coexisting aspects of costume, stage, and lighting construction and design. Besides my wish for a vigorous education, I hope to add to this school and department the enthusiasm developed by years of interest.
A half solved Rubik's Cube sits on my bedroom dresser. Wrapping my literary mind around its strategy is difficult, but not impossible. With plenty of twisting, turning, and most likely help along the way; I hope to solve the problems presented by my future's cube. Solving them teaches me about myself and helps me give something useful back to the world. I anticipate playing my next series of moves at the University of Texas.
Parts of speech have feelings too.
haha, nice. Parts of speech are people too!
During my senior year I accomplished the ...
Whether I succeed in a challenge, such as connecting with the horse I ride, or fail, such as transforming my nonathletic self into a pole vaulter, I always win insight. ---- this sentence is complicated in a way that disrupts the reader's experience. Can you simplify it?
The second paragraph does a great job of carrying the reader along from one idea to the next... very good stuff...
And one more idea for you:
... to this
school and department the enthusiasm developed during my years of ________ (Got a better word than interest?).
:-)
This seems much better to me! What do you think?
[After] my senior year I accomplished... that sounds funny but I'll work with it.
I feel much better about this draft than the original because it is focused, flows, and is much more efficient.
After I posted this draft I went adverbicidal. My sentences live in a better world now.
For example, this sentence: one of my favorites:
"In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock garbed in emerald green, staring languidly out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor."
changed to:
"In high school as I realized my talent for sewing, I no longer wished to be Lady Dedlock garbed in emerald green, staring out of an upper story window of Chesney Wold manor at nothing."
I think my essay is quite close to where it should be now. :D Thank you all so much for your help! This is a great resource, one that I initially underestimated. :D
Writing is like clay that you manipulate, mush up, and then manipulate again...and again and again and again until you get it right.
I think I might finally be happy with this essay.
The title is "Twist, Turn and Triumph"
I reworked my intro and conclusion paragraphs, using the "new term/theme" suggestion. (essayforum.com/student-talk-20/strategy-impressing-admissions-readers-make-up-new-term-16309/)
Intro:
"Idealistic realism" describes my attitude in life. Realistically acknowledging my limitations while adding space for error in judgment, I idealistically unlock gates guarded by feigning hounds. Thus, my contradiction morphs into a paradox. Carrying the key of optimism, I escape my comfort zone to seek personal challenges and change. I succeed and fail in capturing my goals. Yet I always triumph with insight.
Conclusion:
A half solved Rubik's Cube sits on my bedroom dresser. As a realist, I accept the clumsy process of wrapping my literary mind around its strategy. As an idealist, with plenty of twisting, turning, and most likely help along the way; I hope to solve the problems presented by my future's cube. Solving them teaches me about myself and helps me give something useful back to the world. As an idealistic realist, I anticipate playing my next series of moves at the University of Texas.
Fooey, quick google search revealed that someone made this concept before me. Predictably so... Just proves that nothing is "new", it's all acquired knowledge. Ah well, it still counts as a theme.
