UWC Application Essay Reflecting on UWC's values

Hi! I am applying to a United World College and this is the prompt:

Please provide a statement of not more than 300 words on a separate sheet explaining why you are interested in attending a United World College reflecting on UWC's mission and values and describing what you might contribute to the school and what you hope to gain from the experience.

Below is my essay. Please help me review it.

I want to be able to walk into an auditorium filled with people from all around the world and not be afraid because I don't know whether I might act in a way that will offend somebody or say something that will do same. Reflecting on the United World College's mission to make education a force to unite people, nations and cultures, I realize UWC is the place to be able accomplish this feat.

I hope to share with those I encounter at UWC, my values, my culture, my vision for a better world. I hope to touch everyone I come across with joy and happiness for we Nigerians are a cheerful people. I want everyone I make contact with, to think of Nigeria as a happy place because when they meet me, they meet someone who in spite of the challenges facing his country, such as the Boko Haram Insurgency, is still able to put a smile on his face.

I hope to add diverse experiences to the ones I have presently. I believe that the education I will receive at UWC cultural, religious and other barriers to be broken. One that fosters my getting to know the cultures and values and getting them to know mine. I want to go to UWC so that I can be internationally competent and have a world standing on contemporary issues around the world. I hope to gain an experience exposing me to cultures while still learning. I want a UWC education.

Ama, try to expand upon the contribution that you hope to make to the UWC community as student there. don 't just say that you want to make people familiar with the happiness of the Nigerians. Use the opportunity to make your culture better known and influential in a positive manner to the student community. Try to explain how you hope to accomplish a change in the way that the world views your country by sharing your true culture and heritage with them at UWC. Make sure to imply that you want to change the terrorist image of your country by showing your classmates how you value the mission and goal of UWC.

Your current essay is good, but can be made better if you create a more serious focus on what you hope to experience at the school through the sharing of your Nigerian values. Don't just rely on the mission and vision of the university to help you change the way people view Nigerians. Try to find some specific values that your culture shares with UWC and create a discussion topic around it. That will help you better create the vision and reason behind your educational expectations at UWC.

Thank you very much Vangiespen. I will improve on the parts of my essay with loose ends. I have heard that beginning of essays need to be really catchy to draw in the admissions officer. Is my essay catchy?

Ama, the introduction is good enough. It is not as catchy as it should be but then again, the introduction is not the whole essay. So, if you have a good introduction but fail to build upon that introduction in the rest of the essay, you will not have really developed a piece of written work that will work to fulfill your needs.

At the moment, I don't want you to concentrate on just the introduction, just focus on developing the other more important aspects of the essay because your introduction already works. It is enough to keep the reviewer reading well into your second paragraph. So your focus should be on making sure that you will be able to keep him interested in reading the rest of the essay. You can only do that by better developing the rest of your content. When you are done with the essay, we can opt to revise the essay to make it more interesting if we need to do that :-)