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"the varsity gymnastics team" - Extra curricular activity on common app.



Lilo 1 / -  
Dec 13, 2010   #1
This is what i have so far, tell me what i need to fix please!

I have been on the varsity gymnastics team for 3 years. All the girls have been doing gymnastics since they were little, I just started. In my first year I started out as manager of the team, towards the third or fourth week of the season my coach decided to make me part of the team. At first I only competed on beam and bars. I did really bad in the beginning but as the season went on I got much better. Then, on my second year I competed on all events floor, beam, bars, and vault. Finally my third year I still compete all four events. It's a really good feeling when you don't mess up and you finish your routine with confidence. Although there are many girls on the team that are really good, you try your best and you feel good about yourself.

darkdiva65 1 / 1  
Dec 13, 2010   #2
There's a lot of rewording you could do and you repeat a lot of words like 'at the start' and 'in the beginning'. You also have some sentence fragments as well. Just try to rewrite again. There are also times when you use a comma that you could have used another word like 'and', or 'but'. Just my two cents.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13052  
Dec 23, 2010   #3
I think three looks nicer than 3.

This is a run on sentence: All the girls have been doing gymnastics since they were little, I just started.
I'll fix it with a semi-colon:
All the girls have been doing gymnastics since they were little; I just started.

Although there are many girls on the team that are really good, you I try my best and feel good about yourself myself. (Right here, at the end of the essay, you have a chance to leave the reader with an interesting message to think about. What message can you send at the end of this essay by adding one more good sentence?

:-)


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