"the vast diversity and ... my cousin" - Why Franklin and Marshall

How did you first hear about Franklin and Marshall and why did you choose to apply?

I first heard about Franklin and Marshall when my cousin enrolled at the College in around 2002. At that time, I was nowhere near thinking about looking for colleges for myself, so the name was quickly pushed to the back of my mind. Since then, my cousin and several friends have graduated from Franklin and Marshall. All of them loved their experiences there. Needless to say, when I was finally ready to start searching for colleges to...

I am certain that both Benjamin Franklin and John Marshall are incredibly interesting men, but given the choice, I would choose to Franklin to be my dinner companioninvite Franklin to be my dinner partner. Though he is more famous for his inventions and scientific investigations, I would enjoy talking to him about newspapers and the media. He was a newspaper editor and publisher, and I would love to pick his brain for any suggestions he has for a budding journalist. Of course, any advice from him would need to be adapted to the modern world where the art of print journalism seems to be dying out, but a conversation with him about the topic would nonetheless be very informative. It would be interesting to know what he thinks of today's popular media, including blogs, tweets, and even CNN's iReport, all of which allow ordinary people to become reporters and social activists. Would he see these phenomena as harmful to traditional media like newspapers, or a natural step in the development of interactions between society and media? Once all the talking is out of the way, I think that it would be quite fun to play some guitar with him, as I have read that he was an accomplished guitarist. He could teach me a favourite song of his, and I could teach him one of mine, perhaps Green Day's classic "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)".

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Some help with a concluding sentence would be awesome.

Malika...
Three things...

1) This is so formal.... like a newspaper writing about a college not a student. Example:-



....(.I would say the worst sentence of this essay.) Every GOOD college in America has unique diversity of its own and this is a very poor sentence.... for facts you can check on the college board for top 100 college diversity ....

2)Don't start the essay with cousins ...just put it in between as a side line cause the essay needs to focus on you and your research. You have not said anything about your major and any research that they are doing in that field that you would like to be a part of it. Talk like a mature person.... who is very sorted in life not a person who just wants to go to a college because his cousins said and it has good diversity. THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN.

3) Conclusion.... :) I can just imagine the problem but you know.... it has to have a signature of your personality....ummmm.... Suggestion....read about 40 essays (which is what I did when I got in UC Boulder) to get a inspiration because conclusion can only come from you. I also, know you are going to feel really irritated reading this... like a granddad talk but that plain truth. Think about it. Your intro (like I said earlier ) and your ending is YOUR punch not essay forum's.

So, be patient and work on a new draft...
Hope this helps...

Edit:

When my cousin enrolled at Franklin and Marshall in around 2002, I was not even ten years old, and nowhere near thinking about my own college search. Between 2002 and now, several people I know have graduated from the College, and all of them have loved their experiences there. When I was finally ready to start researching colleges, Franklin ...

SEE BELOW

donrocks - thanks for your comments, some of which I have taken into consideration.

Let's trim the unnecessary:
When my cousin enrolled at Franklin and Marshall in around 2002, I was not even ten years old and nowhere near thinking about my own college search.

My research into the College proved to me that Franklin and Marshall had everything for which I was looking, above all of which is are its international, outward-looking values.

my future dream of being a journalist. ---You need to write more about this. This is the most important part of the essay. The reasons for choosing the school should not be about your cousin or any other people who gave it good reviews (You can mention those good reviews as part of a sentence, but do not make them a big theme of the essay). The main theme of the essay should be about journalism and the way this school can get your career started the right way. Show that you are familiar with some of the articles or books written by the professors. Google around about the professors that will be teaching you. Show that you are planning your journalism education.

:-) And it will be great if you mention a little about what is going on in the world of journalism today.