This is my response to the Depauw prompt. Since the deadline is Feb 1st, I really need some help. I ll try to return the favor.
Describe a personal experience or a circumstance that has moved you towards a greater understanding of the value of diversity.
"Do you speak English?" a French man, who visited our family as my dad's guest, asked me once. In response, I wagged my head sideways. "Sorry, is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?", he seemed genuinely confused while I was taken aback. I thought it was a common gesture throughout the world. "Yes, I do speak a little bit of English", I replied. "Oh! Your sideways head-wag is same as the forward nod then. I have noticed other Nepalese do that as well." he said. "It's the Nepalese way, a bit of our unique style you see!" with a subtle sense of pride, I replied when a British friend of mine asked me the same question during my stay at Bhakunde.
A few months earlier, I had gone to a remote Nepalese village called Bhakunde where I worked as a volunteer to construct a "Child Care Home" along with five British volunteers from the University of Oxford. During our six weeks stay at Bhakunde, we worked as full-time manual laborers. We ate the same food those people with one-dollar-per-day income would eat and did the same work they did. We, I and my British friends, belonged to the complete different worlds from that of those villagers. For the Britons, skin color was just one the hundred obvious differences. For me, the language of that village itself was different to the Nepali I spoke back at home. Yet, just after a month's stay, we felt like we too belonged to that village. We loved the jokes those villagers enjoyed sharing repeatedly with us. We displayed superb skills at their local games and learned almost all the steps of their folk dance. We loved their local wine even more than they did. For my British counterparts, language was no more a trouble for they could interact well with the villagers even with their limited Nepalese vocabulary and elaborate hand gestures. Slowly, our distinction was marred and all that truly remained was our mutual love and respect.
At Bhakunde, I understood that diversity is nothing to be tolerated or adjusted for. It is rather something to embrace and appreciate. The more openly one embraces the differences in others, the better will he notice the beauty hidden in every subtle difference. Every variation, be it a cultural or an individual difference, makes the world all the more interesting.
After my return from Bhakunde, when I took an Australian friend of mine for a drive around Kathmandu valley, he asked me a question, "I have seen many guys in Kathmandu holding hands together. Are they all gay?" With a smile on my face, I promptly replied "No that is just a Nepalese way of displaying friendly affection. Besides, doesn't that make our culture even more fascinating?"
where does that prompt come from? I thought Depauw does not require an supplement essay? ( the supplement application on the Commapp.org does not indicate any essay )
>>its asked in the site...either submit a graded paper or an essay to this prompt...any critiques on my essay?..
.please help!
whats the word limit first off? I ask that because you just make too quick a transition between your experiences and belonging to a village and theres not really enough in the essay or in your explanation to support your ideas. I know you talk about hte language as ex, but i stilll feel reading this essay that diversity, mutual love and respect are just too sweeping of ideas.
Heres what i would do regardless of the word count(im assuming this essay isnt much over it), provide more for the transition, dont describe it as much as give those ex. to show it, language is good but you need more and dont try as much to show how there is a transition, give more of a specificly powerful ex of how you were immersed in this new culture because thats whats going to leave an impression on the reader, not a description of what happened to you. And because of that, the last two paras dont add anything, maybe that quote in the end coudl stay, actually it might very well add something to your essay if you put it in the right context earlier, that would be one of those ex of showing the immersion of culture, but just leave the reader w/ the idea of this culture, not how it immersed you, again, show that, dont describe it. And I'm still kinda confused about the intro, i read it over four or five times and im still really just guessing what it means, maybe thats just me, but i dont see a natural transition from it, just seems kinda out there, know what i mean?
Good luck:)
Five years back, when a French __________ (you should add an interesting noun here that expresses who he was or what role he played. A French teacher? Waiter? Police officer?) me this question, I was taken aback.
I thought it was a common gesture throughout the world. --- right after this sentence, you need a sentence that tells the reader that the French guy explained to you about the head wag. ---then continue---> When a British friend of mine asked me the same question during my stay at Bhakunde, I explained to him what the Frenchman explained to me: "It's same as the forward nod. Just a bit of our unique style you see!"; with a subtle sense of pride, I replied when a...
Am I even understanding correctly? I hope so...
anyway, revise for clarity. :-)
A f ew months before earlier, I had gone to a...
At Bhakunde, I understood that diversity is nothing to be tolerated or adjusted for. Rather, it is something to embrace and appreciate. --- how about like that?
Nice ending, you did a great job creating a sense of diversity in the essay. Good examples, too.
thanks kevin ...and simrath thank you very much for another comment! I really appreciate your help
I am working on it
wow i just read over my response and sorry it really does sound stupid just repeating the same thing over and over again, it's just that i feel like repeate everytime i comment on a college essay someone asks me to read i say show dont tell and alot of these prompts like ones for diversity call for showing espec. Anyway, your a solid writer, if you couldnt really understand what i was saying amongst that mess i posted before basically i just think this would be a lot better if you focused your diversity theme on one specific event from the very start, start with a glimpse into an event and rather than spending so much time giving the readers the background of the situation and how it changed you and how it made you show diversity, just develop one story, however, or whatever you have to allow that to happen. Good luck:)
KEVIN I was not able to express what I meant in the first paragraph properly.(So, I think you got it wrong.) My bad!
SOmeone else to comment on my essay??? Deadline is today itself. So please help soon!!
Hi, I'm sorry! You must have submitted by now. This opening sentence is still WAY awkward, though:
"Do you speak English?" a French man, who visited our family as my dad's guest, asked me once.
I guess I would use the passive voice in this case:
"Do you speak English?" I was asked this question by a French man who was visiting our family as my dad's guest. asked me once.
Good luck!! The rest of it is looking good, and there is some kind of vivid, real quality to this essay -- something that draws the reader into the scene where the conversation takes place. I like it!
Thanks KEvin! Yeah I have already submitted it. But never mind. Since it's for DePauw, a comparatively less selective university, it does not make much difference if the soul of the essay is in the right place.
