FSU-"Vires, Artes, Mores"-my experiences in life (first draft)

Prompt:
Submit your essay (strongly encouraged).
The essay is an important part of your application. It assists the University in learning about you as an individual, independent of your academic grade point average, test scores, and other objective data. Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

- For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

-My essay is 13 words to long, if you could please help me cut it down to 500 words.

The values found in the words Vires, Artes, and Mores play an important role in my life from helping me to become a more responsible and respectable individual, to giving me the will and courage to strive for my dreams. I have always tried my best so I could reach my goals, but also I have tried to lead a good example for others to follow. However, all these qualities did not come easily; rather they developed after a lot of hard work and experience.

When I graduated from eighth grade to start my high school career, my dad offered me an incredible opportunity, one that I was quite nervous about. He purposed that I travel with him over summer break to work with him at his souvenir job with NASCAR. It seemed to be a stretch for a shy person like me to travel around the country and meet thousands of different people every weekend, but having never been the one to back down from a challenge, I went. Arriving at five-thirty in the morning on my first day, I helped open-up the hauler, while getting to know the five other people I would be working alongside for the next eight weeks. Once opened the job quickly became a test of strength and endurance as I waited on one costumer after another, not getting a break until race-time, and knowing I would be right back there the next day. But after this first day I felt I had gained some valuable information. First, I found that to be a successful sales person, I had to be fast. Second, I discovered that the most important part of the job was establishing a good connection with the costumer. When waiting on a person, I needed to be able to talk to them and see what they were looking for, and then help them find it. It became a great memory with great friends, and I have gladly done it every summer since.

Now, another area where I have grown is in media art, especially in painting and scratchboard. When I was younger I knew I had potential when I won first place for my mixed media drawing at a local festival, but during high school I really started to put more effort into my work, taking more challenging courses like Portfolio. My most successful pieces have been about animals, which I have always admired since I was a child. My artwork has enabled me to understand animals on a different level and has become part of my inspiration on being a zoologist. The rest of my inspiration has come from growing up with animals and reaching out to help the others at humane societies.

Through all of these experiences I have come to develop the communication skills, the creative skills, and the determination that are required to become a zoologist. On becoming one I hope to travel around the world, seeing diverse cultures and discovering more about the secrets that animal's hold, in hope to open more doors for our world and future generations.

Your first sentence is rather typical and dull, so you may want to change that.

"He purposed that I travel with..."
Do you mean proposed?

The descriptions of your experiences are nice, but you don't really address the Vires, Artes, and Mortes enough.. Which example is Vires, Artes, and Mortes? Or at least add in the character traits in. I can kind of tell that your first body is Vires and your second is Artes, but there is no Mortes, which you put in your introductory paragraph. You should take Mortes out if you are not going to write about it.

Thank you for your help, those are some great points you gave me. I'm going to post my second draft soon, thanks again.

This part isn't really necessary.

Verily has, as you acknowledged, some interesting and salient points. I look forward to seeing your revision.

You should get straight to the point in some places, shorten the wording.

Second Draft
Prompt: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University . Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

-Thank all of you for your feedback, it has really helped me, but I'm having a little trouble deciding on my introduction. My second intro seems more engaging, but I can't think of a final sentence to transition it from that paragraph to the first body paragraph. Please let me know what you think.

Introduction #1

The values found in the words Vires, Artes, and Mores play an important role in my life from helping me to become a more responsible and respectable individual to giving me the will and courage to strive for my dreams. I have always tried to do my best so I could reach my goals and be a good example for others to follow. However, all these qualities did not come easily; rather they were developed after a lot of hard work and experience.

Introduction #2

There are some values that come easily, but there are also those like the ones found in Vires, Artes and Mores, that only develop after a lot of hard work and experience. In my life I have struggled with some of these experiences, trying to overcome the tests to reach my goals and be a good example for others.

When I graduated from eighth grade my dad offered me an incredible opportunity that I was quite nervous about. He proposed I travel with him over summer break in his souvenir business with NASCAR. It seemed to be a stretch for a shy person like me to travel around the country and meet thousands of different people every weekend, but having never been one to back down from a challenge, I accepted. During my first day on the job I arrived at five-thirty in the morning to meet the five other people I would be working alongside for the next eight weeks. As soon as we opened the store the job became a test of strength and endurance as I waited on one customer after another, not getting a break until race-time and knowing I would be right back there the next day. But after my first day I felt I had gained some valuable information. First, I found that to be a successful sales person, I had to be able to think fast on my feet. Second, I discovered that the most important part of the job was establishing a good connection with the customer to determine what they needed and to provide them with that product. It became a great adventure as I expanded my character traits by becoming more independent and more outgoing, developing new friendships and strengths on the way. Since then I have gladly done it every summer.

Another area where I have grown is in media art, especially in painting and scratchboard. I won first place for two of my mixed media drawings at the Fernandina Beach Shrimp Festival. In high school I started to fine tune my skills and put more effort into my work by taking more challenging courses like Portfolio. My most successful pieces have been about animals, which have enabled me to understand them on a different level and have become part of my inspiration to become a zoologist. The rest of my inspiration has come from growing up with animals and reaching out to volunteer at local humane societies.

Through all of these experiences I have come to develop the communication skills, creative talent, personal characteristics and determination that are required to become a zoologist. On becoming one I hope to travel around the world, see diverse cultures, represent Florida State University and discover more about the secrets that animals hold. It is my hope to open more doors for our world and future generations.

"Another area where I have grown is in media art, especially in painting and scratchboard."

Possibly reword this sentence, as I think the "area where i have grown is in media art" is sort of awkward. A possibly more concise way of introducing that you have grown is by stating:

"I have also grown in the area of media art, especially in the subsets of painting and scratchboarding."

Also, i'm not sure if "Scratchboarding" is a word, it might need to be hyphenated. Otherwise your essay looks well organized and focused.

I personally like introduction 1 better than 2.