FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life

I just wrote this FSU essay (Explaining how the latin terms Vires Mores and Artes are reflected in my life). I only have around 19 words left in order to finish but I wanted to get feedback on how my essay is at the moment. Please feel free to critique and let me know how you feel about it! Thanks

My essay:

Upon personal reflection, I can say with confidence that the Latin terms "Vires, Artes, and Mores" represent how I live my life on a daily basis. "Vires" represents moral, physical and intellectual strength. "Artes" signifies the beauty in skill, art and craft. And "mores" refers to character and tradition. Whether it is my past, my present, or my future, these words greatly echo who I am as a person and how I can benefit Florida State University, as well as the surrounding community.

The word "vires" is defined as strength in many ways; I believe one of my best personal qualities is my moral strength. In today's society, it is extremely difficult for young people to stay true to themselves. Many focus on things such as their popularity status or things they should do to gain acceptance from others, losing sight of what really is important. Growing up and witnessing both family and friends become victims of these situations has helped me be the better person and has kept my priorities straight. As a result, I feel I have done well not only academically but also with steering clear of the same pressures hundreds of other teens have succumbed to each day.

"Artes" signifies the beauty within skills, arts and crafts. Unlike many people, I have a special talent in the art of music, being able to play three different instruments. Back in elementary school, fourth grade to be exact, I had a desire to learn the piano and the violin. Both are extremely complex in playing styles, but I came to realize how easily I picked them both up, not to mention the ability to read and learn sheet music a lot faster than the average musician. Until this day, I'm still involved in my music; I love it so much that I recently started to teach myself the guitar. Music has always been a way to escape from my busy schedule, but mostly one of the few ways I can truly express myself.

A person's character, custom and tradition are represented by the term "mores." I have come to recognize how the community service I have performed has built my inner character. Community service has been an enormous priority in my life. I never felt obligated like most people; I just really wanted to give back my time. The past four years I've dedicated four hours a week at a local hospital greeting visitors, delivering cards and flowers, along with so much more. I have also been involved in Key Club at my school, donating items for fundraisers and working at churches. I was also given the opportunity to help package and ship items as part of the Haiti's Hope organization designed to provide certain necessities for people that are in dire need. Each service hour has helped me want to continue to volunteer through college and hopefully beyond.

^Poor introduction. Why must you define words that are defined both in the question and through the rest of your essay.

What is the best way to improve this mistake? Any suggestions? And I'd like to just mention that the reason I included the definition again at the beginning of each paragraph is so they would know which latin word I was reffering to. I would still appreciate any other ideas you would have in order to make it better. Thanks for your time

=)

Delete your first paragraph. The admissions officers will have read near identical ones in almost every single essay they've encountered before yours.

In fact, start over entirely. Pick a single narrative anecdote that shows that you possessed one of these characteristics, and describe it in great detail, rather than just telling us things in the form of broad generalities.

FSU Essay Revised... Please Comment

Here's my final draft; let me know what you think. We are suppsed to explain how one of the latin words Vires, Mores and Artes are reflected in our life and I did Mores which represents character, custom or tradition.

Throughout my life I have developed several passions that have greatly affected my life: my intense love for children, my ability to play musical instruments such as piano, violin and guitar, and my aptitude in the art of cooking. However, one passion has greatly influenced the person I am today and sets me apart from the others; that is my longing to give back to my community.

In my freshman year of high school, I knew that receiving community service hours each year would be a requirement. Though this was the case, there was a part of me that wanted to volunteer, for the benefit of others and the satisfaction, not the hours. This feeling prompted me to take action.

First, I became a volunteer at the local hospital, Holy Cross. Knowing my future would involve helping others in some way, a local hospital was the perfect place to go. I began volunteering once a week for four hours, greeting and transporting visitors as well as delivering flowers and cards to patients' rooms. My favorite was when I brought up a beautiful bouquet of flowers to an elderly woman on the fifth floor; though she was ill, she was extremely ecstatic to see me place it by her bedside. "Thank you so much, young lady; you have no idea how wonderful it felt knowing those flowers are for me!" These heart-warming experiences are what kept me returning each week.

Volunteering at the hospital encouraged me to take part in more programs. During my sophomore year, my mom introduced me to a program known as Haiti's Hope, created to help aide the poor in Haiti. On an early Saturday morning, a group of us enthusiastic to help spent hours collecting and packaging items that would be delivered to those that needed them the most. Within these boxes were necessities such as diapers, clothes, shoes, children's books, furniture, medical supplies, food and much more. As I watched the truck depart at the end of the day, I realized that in just days, many less fortunate people would be greatly benefited, and I could proudly say I was part of this accomplishment. The happiness I obtained from the first project inspired me to be involved with their second. Later that year, a spaghetti dinner was held at a local church in order to raise money to construct wells so the people of Haiti would have access to fresh water. I was overwhelmed by how great I felt knowing the simple things I did would make a world of difference for others.

The community service I have performed in the past years has truly built my inner character and shaped me into the person I am today; that is why the Latin word "mores", which represents character, custom or tradition, reflects my life the most. The hours I dedicated have convinced me to continue through college and wherever life takes me. I know community service will be a significant part of my life. Due to the amount of happiness and self-fulfillment I have gained, I am looking forward to becoming a part of the service community at Florida State University as well.

Never start a paragraph with "First". Change it to "Initially", "Furthermore, "Additionally", etc. In fact, I wouldn't even use paragraph transitions. I feel like they're very elementary.

I like your improved introduction. But don't you think you should talk about how intellectual you are? That might seem a little stereotypical, but it's something I would do. I'd also talk about the clubs I'm in at school.

By the way, I'm also applying to FSU. But since I've lived in Tallahassee my whole life, I don't plan on attending so I'm not going to waste my time writing the essay. I wish you the best of luck though! I hope you get in. :)

Thanks for the advice. I live in Florida too, and I doubt I'm going to FSU... I'm just applying to all the schools.

Good luck to you too!