Video games have always held a special place in my heart, so when I was first introduced to programming I immediately decided to try creating them for myself. I found myself creating clones of popular games such as Snake and adding my own unique touches to them, such as making the apple bounce away from the snake. My interest in games led to my discovery of virtual reality and its multitude of possible uses for making the world a better place.
Duke's DiVE facility is involved in some truly remarkable research on virtual reality. The Walk Again project was of particular interest to me, as I found the life-changing effects it would have on disabled people to be marvelous. With world-renowned facilities like DiVe, surrounded by some of the most innovative peers and faculty in the world, I feel like a Duke education would carry me to immeasurable heights.
Mubtasim, I am not sure if you are trying to provide a personal statement or answer one of the common app prompts at this point. Kindly provide us with a copy of the prompt you are trying to respond to so that we can better assess the responsiveness of your statement to the prompt requirements.
At this point though, I can tell you that you have written an acceptable introduction and body. The paragraphs are interesting and deliver a clear take on the subject that you wish to discuss. However, since this is only 2 paragraphs long, I am wondering if you are working within a maximum word count and what that word count is. I feel like there is room for improvement in terms of content. I just need to know what our working parameters are.
I would have liked to read more about the foundation of your video game designer skills and how your interest in programming developed. Those are important aspects that need to be well threshed out in particular common app essays. At this point, the only review that I can give you is a superficial one as I have yet to get the proper instructions from you in order to go deeper into the way you wrote and presented your essay.
Sorry, I'm new at this so I wasn't sure exactly what to include. The prompt is specific to Duke, and I've included it below.
"If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering as a first year applicant, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke. (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)"
With a word limit of only 150 words, I couldn't manage to include half of what I wanted to write about. I had to settle for just glossing over my interest in video games, providing a small anecdote on my forays into game programming and writing about some specific resources at Duke that attracted me.
Any feedback on how I could improve this would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I can understand how the limited word count can really hinder what it is that you want to say in the essay. The problem though, is that because you were so concerned with the word count, you were not able to properly deliver the kind of response that the statement requires. At this point, I usually tell my students to not think about the word count. Just write down everything important that you want to say, in the best way that you can say it.
From there, you can review and revise the content. Shorten the presentation of the paragraph as best as you can. Remove the excess words or irrelevant thoughts that might exist. Keep on cutting out content that, as you review your essay, you may find to be of little to no importance to what you want to express. You will see that the essay will keep reducing in word count to the point where you will end up with 150 words or less.
Now, If you still have a problem with editing the content of your answer, post what you already have here and I will help you bring your response into focus within the 150 word count. Just try to do this statement response as best as you can, I'll be here to help you finalize the content :-)
The long version of my essay goes more into depth about my experience with programming the Snake game. I wrote about how my interest in programming developed in my Common App essay, so I don't want to rehash the same things in this one. It's pretty long, almost 600 words, and I recycled a lot of what I used in my Cornell essay, but I also modified it to fit the Duke essay prompt. Here it is:
As I read the Duke engineering essay prompt, I looked back on my life and was greeted by the familiar warm rush of excitement that envelops me whenever I think about Computer Science. Although I was only introduced to programming in my junior year of high school, it fascinated me to a degree that no other subject ever had. Though it was the hardest, most frustrating thing I had ever done, the sheer jubilation I felt when I solved a particularly difficult problem was well worth the hardship. I soon found myself bored with my school curriculum, and turned to other sources to quench my newfound thirst for knowledge. I fondly remembered playing a Snake game on my mother's old Nokia cell phone, and nostalgia demanded that I attempt to make my own version of the classic. Thus my forays into game programming began.
My first attempts at creating a Snake clone were fraught with a multitude of bugs and glitches. My snake refused to die upon eating its tail, forming an impressive constrictor knot instead. My apple developed a fear of reptiles, teleporting to random locations when the snake approached a certain perimeter around it. The two game objects also had an annoying tendency to disappear off the edge of the screen. I spent the better part of a week tracking down these bugs, which proved to be rather persistent in their peskiness, religiously reviewing each line of code to pinpoint my logical fallacies. At the end of my labor, I tentatively tested my game. The main menu loaded correctly, the title rotating hypnotically as I had envisioned. The snake responded to the arrow keys, grew longer every time it ate an apple and called up a Game Over message when it hit the edges of the screen or its own body. The apple disappeared when eaten by the snake and reappeared at random locations. Everything was perfect.
My interests in game programming were paying their dividends, but I had a dilemma. How could I use my games to actually help people? As much as I loved video games, I could not deny that I had only ever played games for entertainment. I began searching for a way to make a difference with video games. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article by the Duke immersive Virtual Reality (DiVE) research facility which spoke of the Walk Again Project, a non-profit international collaboration of researchers that enabled a paraplegic to use virtual reality to control a robotic bodysuit and perform the first ceremonial kick at the World Cup of 2014.This amazing achievement sparked my interest in virtual reality, and I began to think of ways in which virtual reality video games could be used to help people. For instance, immersive educational video games could be created to allow high school students to experience things such as performing surgery, piloting jet aircraft and exploring outer space. Implementing virtual reality into education would also make for a more hands-on and engaging learning experience, promoting collaboration and creativity.
To fulfill my ideas and interests in the ideal facilities, such as DiVE, I turn to Duke. With it's diverse student population, I would be able to meet all sorts of unique individuals, all with their own talents and personalities, but possessing the same drive to create something new, change the world and, most importantly, make a difference by contributing to society. With some of the most brilliant and innovative peers and faculty serving as an inspiration to me and galvanizing me to become the best that I can be, I feel that a Duke education would help me reach the pinnacle of my potential and help me make the world a better place.
Ok. Let's deal with this using keywords. The keywords will help you develop 150 connected words that will describe why you want to study engineering and you want to do it at Duke. These keywords are:
Game programming
objects on a screen
coding
Duke immersive Virtual Reality (DIVE)
immersive games
Connect the words using the necessary format and word connectors and you will have your 150 word statement. You have 5 keywords up there. Use each keyword in one sentence by developing the sentence to revolve around the topic / keyword. After you do that, come back here with what you have developed and we will polish it together :-)
What I've written seems rushed, but I managed to include all the keywords and elaborate on them sufficiently. I hope it's okay.
As a kid without many friends, video games were my primary source of entertainment. So when I was introduced to programming, naturally I tried to create my own games as soon as possible. Tweaking code to make objects on the screen appear just right, putting my own spin on classic games such as Snake and Bejeweled - these things appealed to me like nothing else ever had. But why Duke?
(...)
Thank you for your help, it was very useful!
We need to focus the first part of your response on the reasons why you chose software engineering. You explained how you became interested, but not why you decided to focus on this particular major. So, without revising any other part of the essay at this point, I want you add that particular reason to this essay. Maybe the reason lies in your wishing to create the ultimate game software that challenges the person in a physical level in the way that a combination of the Microsoft Kinect software and Oculus VR glasses will revolutionize the way that people not only play games, but also keep fit.
The latter part of your essay is already good enough. So don't change it. Altering it might make something good bad in the end so don't touch it. Don't think about the word count either. I want to see what you can come up with and then I will step in with a quick editing job that will take care of the other problems in the paper :-) I hope that will work for you.
Tweaking code to make objects on the screen appear just right, putting my own spin on classic games such as Snake and Bejeweled - these things appealed to me like nothing else ever had. I want to study software engineering to create an incredible gaming experience, perhaps by creating wetware that implements direct brain-to-computer interactions. But why Duke?
If my reason for focusing on software engineering as a major is a keyword, that's the sentence I would use to elaborate on it. Please let me know how you feel about it.
One more thing - I was reading a few posts on College Confidential and they mentioned that posting essays online would cause problems with plagiarism checkers. Do you think I would get in trouble for posting my essay drafts here? Will Duke ask me about it, or reject my application immediately if their plagiarism checking tool finds a match? Should I mention this in the additional information section in the Common App or send them an email?
Thank you for your time.
Mubtasim,here is the new set of keywords that I believe your response should focus on so you should elaborate on it further:
wetware that implements direct brain-to-computer interactions
That sounds like a fantastic reason to specialize in software engineering if I ever heard of one :-) Relate that thought directly to DIVE and I think your response will finally fall into place ;-)
As for your concerns about the plagiarism checker of the universities, you should not worry about it because even if the essay appears in their check, the reference to your real name on this website will show that you did not plagiarize the response or essay. Do not mention that you got help in developing your essays here because that will not help your application. Normally, the universities would like to think that the students work on the essays on their own. Don't spoil that idea. Even though they may be conscious of the fact that you sought and got help in writing your response, it is always best not to mention it as you never know how it will affect your application. If you are really worried about it though, then contact the admin of EF and ask them about how you can delete your essays from the server before you submit your application but after you have polished the essay with our help first :-)
Thanks for your input. I believe my current draft contains everything I want to get across to Duke.
Video games were my primary source of entertainment during childhood. Naturally, I tried to create my own games soon after being introduced to programming. Tweaking code to make objects on the screen appear just right and putting my own spin on classic games such as Snake and Bejeweled appealed to me like nothing else ever had. I want to study engineering to create an incredible gaming experience by developing wetware that implements direct brain-to-computer interactions. But why Duke?
Duke's DiVE research facility is involved in some remarkable research on virtual reality and thought-controlled computing. The Walk Again project, which allowed paraplegics free movement, particularly piqued my interest. Facilities like DiVE would allow me to pursue my interests and ideas in the ideal environment. Studying alongside some of the most innovative peers and faculty in the world, I hope to reach the pinnacle of my potential at Duke.
If anything requires polishing, please let me know. Thank you so much for your help.
Hi, I did some final edits on your paper just to make the word count lower and tighten the focus. So it now has 146 words in it and I believe that it flows faster, smoother, and more interestingly than before. You can use this version if you wish to :-)
As a child of the new millineum, my desire to learn about programming seems to be a part of my DNA. From the moment I was first introduced to the concept of videogames as a child, I have always held a fascination for game software programming .
Tweaking code to place my own spin on classic games such as Snake and Bejeweled appealed to me like nothing else ever had. I want to study engineering to create an incredible gaming experience by developing wetware that implements direct brain-to-computer interactions.
Duke's DiVE research facility, and The Walk Again project, which allows paraplegics free movement, piqued my interest. Facilities like DiVE would allow me to pursue my interests and ideas in my ideal environment. Studying alongside some of the most innovative peers and faculty in the world, I hope to reach the pinnacle of my potential at Duke.
Thank you! It does flow better than my previous draft. I appreciate you taking the time to help me. Hope I get accepted (fingers crossed).