My Vision Of Pakistan, essay to a college. Constructive criticism.

My Vision Of Pakistan

While stretching on my beanbag, I strained my neck to take a glimpse of what was happening below my apartment balcony. Though the sun was still on the horizon, I realized that, activity around Jodia bazaar, the heart of Karachi, had already resumed.

Three girls in uniform appearing from a recently regenerated alley were trotting towards a bus stand with their heads covered with veils. These university going, lower middle class girls had not only surpassed impediments of anti-progressive traditions, of remaining homebound and marrying early, but also by seeking education had refused a time-honored role, secondary to that of men's. Moreover, their persistence with veils depicted resoluteness to preserve their cultural identity.

Towards the right of bazaar, policemen were handcuffing mechanics who had employed minors, since Child labour has promoted human smuggling, kept children of less privileged away from schools and led to children being viewed as producers rather than as consumers. This social epidemic has also reinforced the already high rate of natural increase.

Simultaneously, a large contingent of young men was assembling in front of Karachi press club to peacefully protest against the assassination of minorities in lower Punjab. By rejecting prevailing religious fanaticism and propagating religious tolerance, they were delineating a high degree of political awareness as well as willpower to liberate politics from strangle of a few dominant families.

Half a kilometer further away, barbed wires and barricades were being razed to the ground in front of schools marking an end to the regime of terror that, for a decade, had tortured the impressionable minds, seeking enlightment, with adverse psychological effects.

Finally, near the shoreline, high school students were engrossed in a beach clean-up drive. These environmentally alarmed students knew that conserving environment is imperative for achieving sustainable development and is also a duty that we owe to our future generations.

Viewing this epic environment was filling my heart with contentment as I saw a dove fly by and dry autumn leaves turn green!

no comma necessary here:
realized that activity ...

This is such an impressive sentence!!
These university-going, lower middle class girls had not only surpassed impediments of anti-progressive traditions, of remaining homebound and marrying early, but also by seeking education had refused a time-honored role, secondary...---- Do you see where I added a hyphen? When you put 2 words together to form a new word with a unique meaning, usually you need a hyphen.

Your writing is really very impressive. I wonder if you realize that you have this talent; most people cannot write like that.

Now here is one more correction for that sentence:
...secondary to that of men .
No need for the apostrophe. You can show possession by using the apostrophe OR by saying "the "role of men" but you don't need to do both. If I write, "They refused the role which was secondary to that of men," I don't need an apostrophe.

enlightenment enlightenment
... had tortured the impressionable minds, seeking enlightenment, with adverse psychological effects.--- this gets convoluted... the minds were seeking enlightenment... a lot is happening in this sentence. How about this:

...had tortured the impressionable minds that sought enlightenment.

The ending is great. I am excited about the contributions you'll make in this world. :-)