volunteering at a summer school - Waterloo AIF - Question #2

It would be great of i could get some advice on the tone of the answer, as well as if it feels wordy, and lastly if it answers the question well. thanks

2. Briefly describe a group, organization, or community that you have been involved in, are a member of, and/or have contributed to. What contributions have you made as a member of this group? Were you able to lead, influence others and/or influence decisions for the good of the group and its goals? How has your involvement helped make this community better? (900-character limit)

During grades 10 and 11, I volunteered at my local mosque's summer school. The program was designed for children aged 7-14. The organizers mostly taught the younger children leaving the middle schoolers to the volunteers. My job was to teach math to the grade 7-8 kids. In my first year I didn't take on a leadership role because of my lack of experience, however, this summer I became more proactive. For instance, when we were behind schedule, I convinced the other volunteers to adjust the break time so the students could recharge before doing their work again. Additionally, I talked to the volunteers about giving work that fits a child's understanding instead of their grade level so they could learn the basics before going onto more advanced topics. This change led to the program being more efficient and effective for the students, which will help them in their long-term success.

You do not need to provide a history of how you joined the program. You should provide information about what the program is about. You do not need to tell the reviewer that you did not start in a leadership role. Focus on the point of the statement, your role as a leader. You should mention when you became a leader in the program. What year? What grade were you in? Why were you given the leadership role? Provide a more solid response to the result of the changes that you made to the program. Consider the immediate positive outcome as the reviewer is not interested in the future success of the students. You may no longer be involved in the program by then. Keep all information as current as possible.

You have written a lot of background information, however if anything, this information is being against you, especially that sentence where you mention y our lack of experience. Rather than directly talking about that, try putting yourself in a more positive light, and say things such as "after training" or "after preperaing". You should spend less space describing the program itself, and describe your impact more.