Hi everybody! I am sending this application to a few schools and just wanted some feedback. It's about 600 words, so I hope that's okay. If anyone would like to critique my essay, it would mean a lot to me and be a big help!!
Thanks, Jenn
Working at the Cedar Lane Kennels
Inspiration at the Kennel
Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped me into the person that I am today. I hope to major in pre-veterinary medicine and continue on to a graduate school to pursue my dreams of becoming a veterinarian. I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian, because I want a career that I know will bring fulfillment for the rest of my life. I came to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel.
During my junior year of high school, I was ready to apply for my first real job. I knew that I wanted an enjoyable job that would be exciting to come to work to everyday. My primary ambition was to work with animals because I have always loved being around them. After continuously calling to find out if any of the kennels received my application, I finally received a phone call from the Cedar Lane Kennels. I went to the kennel the next week to receive training from a current employee. The first day of training was exhausting and I thought, "What did I get myself into?"
I continued to work at the kennel throughout most of the year. I realized that it was a difficult job to start out with, but I never gave up. The job included everything one could think of, such as cleaning the kennels, picking up waste, feeding the animals, giving medications, answering the phones, and socializing with the animals. I knew that I could get a job that would pay good money for doing little work, but I was satisfied with getting average pay because I was in a place where I loved to be with the animals. I feel like I created stronger bonds with some of the animals than with some of the people that worked with me. Throughout the year, other employees lacked seriousness, sometimes leaving kennels unclean or forgetting to feed the animals. I was very dedicated to my job and could never neglect the animals. People were paying to leave their pets at this kennel and expected them to be treated well.
After this significant experience, I recognized that I wanted to become a veterinarian. I love working with animals and enjoy taking science classes. Science courses are mandatory for working in the medical field, so I knew that I would be learning something that I love in college. At first I thought I wanted to become a doctor or nurse, but I quickly realized that I have a stronger connection with animals. Even though working at the kennel was one of the toughest jobs I have ever had, I wouldn't go back and change it for the world. Working in a kennel and being a veterinarian may seem like two completely different jobs, but they both have one major thing in common: Both jobs involve caring for animals and making their lives the best it can be.
What do you think?
Thanks
Jenn
Good evening :)
"There have been many experiences in my lifetime that have shaped who I am as a person today. I will most likely be majoring in Pre-Veterinary MedicineMake sure you are capitalizing only the first words of sentences and proper nouns; as these are neither, they shouldn't be capitalized. throughout my undergraduate college years. I hope to continue onto a graduate school to pursue my dreams of becoming a Veterinarian.
Hello.
Thank you so much for your critiques. I really appreciate it. Hopefully you can answer a couple more questions.
You said i should not capitalize Veterinarian and Pre-Veterinarian Medicine, but i thought these were titles which need to be capitalized? I just wasn't sure because I have seen on websites where they have been capitalized.
Why did you highlight the word "wasn't" in the second paragraph?
When you wrote: "How does working at this kennel play into that? Keep your focus; stay on track. " ... Are you saying I should add more?? I am not sure how to explain this since I have said in the essay that I love working with animals and have a strong connection with them.
Thanks again.
Jenn
Good evening.
You wouldn't capitalize accountant, or secretary; therefore veterinarian shouldn't be capitalized either. They are not proper nouns. You wouldn't capitalize accounting department, medical office, or dental program; therefore, pre-veterinarian medicine shouldn't be capitalized. They are not proper nouns.
"Wasn't" is bold because it is a contraction and they are inappropriate in formal academic writing.
You need to link working in the kennel more with your career field choice; as it is now, they seem like two separate subjects, thus creating the feel of two separate essays. You need to show how they relate to each other.
I hope this helps!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Hello.
It's been quite a while since I came to this site and asked for help with my essay. Your comments have really helped me, but i don't feel like my essay above is ready to be sent, after your comments, such as How does working at this kennel play into that? Keep your focus; stay on track. I revised all the grammar mistakes, but do you think i should change my last paragraph in order to stay on track more?
I wrote another paragraph recently, as I was thinking about that comment. Do you think I should add this as the last paragraph instead of the other?
Even though working at the kennel was one of the toughest jobs I have ever had, I wouldn't go back and change it for the world. This job put me towards the right direction in life, which is to become a veterinarian. Working in a kennel and being a veterinarian may seem like two completely different jobs, but they both have one major thing in common. Both jobs involve caring for animals and making their lives the best it can be.
Thanks please respond ASAP.
Jenn
How about this, below?
In conclusion, After this significant experience, I recognized that I wanted to become a veterinarian. I realized that I wanted to become a veterinarian because I love working with animals and enjoy taking science classes. Science courses are mandatory for working in the medical field, so I knew that I would be learning something that I love in college. At first I thought I wanted to become a doctor or nurse, but I quickly realized that I have a stronger connection with animals. Even though working at the kennel was one of the toughest jobs I have ever had, I wouldn't go back and change it for the world. This job put me towards the right direction in life, which is to become a veterinarian. Working in a kennel and being a veterinarian may seem like two completely different jobs, but they both have one major thing in common: Both jobs involve caring for animals and making their lives the best it can be.
This is a strong sentence, meaningful: At first I thought I wanted to become a doctor or nurse, but I quickly realized that I have a stronger connection with animals.
Good luck!!
Thank you soo soo much Kevin!! I apprieciate your help. So, if I revise the paragraph above, you think that would be a good last paragraph? Overall, do you think that my essay is good? Could you possibly rate it on a scale of 1 to 10? Well, hope to hear from you soon.
Jenn
P.S. I will do my best to try to help other students as well!
I was wondering if someone could rate my essay on a scale of 1 to 10 and tell me if you think it is ready to be sent in. It is under the thread Common App. Essay- Option #1: significant experience and its impact Maybe a moderator or anyone willing to can tell me their thoughts.
Thanks!
Jenn
To be honest, I would give it about a 6/7, but good work! Best of luck to you!
Thanks so much! I apprieciate your feedback! If anyone else would please rate it, I would be very happy!
Hello. Thanks for the revisions. Here is my revised essay all put together. If any moderators, contributors, or anyone would be willing to look over my revised draft, it would be very much apprieciated. Please tell me how it sounds and if you think it is ready to be turned in.
EF_Constance: Do you think putting a semicolon instead of a comma or period makes a big difference in the essay?
Shouldn't I spell out "16" to make it more formal?
Thanks so much!!
Use a semi-colon to separate 2 complete sentences that go together, as part of the same thought. Use a colon to say "more to come."
In that last sentence, the colon is best.
In answer to your question: yes, write out numbers as words, because it looks nicer. But that's not necessary with numbers like 537. Only with numbers like twenty, or four, which are easy to write.
I guess I give it a 9. I would say 10 only if it was one of those things that you can't possibly stop reading after you start.
It is perfect, though, because the last sentence of the first paragraph tells what the essay is about, and the last paragraph reflects on it... they could not ask for a better essay!
Anyway, don't go by what I say, because I think numerical and letter grades are silly. Some schools don't even use them!
:)
Thanks sooo much Kevin! Nine out of ten is pretty good, so I'll take it!! : ) One last question about the semicolons though...
In this sentence >>>> Realizing that becoming a veterinarian takes a lot of hard work and many years in school, I am up for the challenge because I want a future career that I know I will be happy with for the rest of my life; therefore, one experience in my lifetime that has impacted my future was working in an animal kennel when I was a junior in high school.
Do you think I should put a semicolon there or just leave it as it is (as two sentences.)?
And in this sentence >>>> Science courses are mandatory for working in the medical field; so, I knew that I would be learning something that I love in college.
Semicolon or not??
Thanks again, and I promise this is the last question!!! : )
Jenn
I think that the proper use of a semi-colon is a big deal to anyone, especially colleges. I am an English grad. In college, I saw many misused and abused semi-colons, even by other English majors! AHHHH! It is a big deal.
As far as spelling out numbers, the rule I have learned throughout college is to spell out numbers lower than ten only... except if you have a sentence like this:
"I found that eight to thirty people..." If you spell out the first number, spell out the second.
It is good to keep sentences direct and powerful. I always think of an example Stephen King gives in On Writing: "Jane killed her husband with a hammer." That line is short, simple, and extremely intriguing and powerful!
I realize that becoming a veterinarian takes a lot of hard work and many years in school... oh, how about like this:
I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian, because I want a future career that I know will bring fulfillment for the rest of my life. I came to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel. when I was a junior in high school.
These two sentences are not related to each other strongly enough to warrant the use of a semi-colon. They're really two different thoughts, so we use a period.
Here is an edit to my edit:
I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian, because I want a future career that I know will bring fulfillment for the rest of my life. I came to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel.
Thanks so much Kevin. I like the revised sentences a lot. After adding those 2 sentences though, there seems to be a lot of sentences beginning with "I" in the first paragraph. Do you think that is okay?
Jenn
I have a deadline for one of the colleges that I am applying to coming up, and I need a response quick. I don't want to seem demanding.. but I was not sure if the moderators receive notice of a new post under an already started thread, that they answered already.
Thanks!
Jenn
One last question after the one above ^^^ Do you think I need a title for this college application essay? If so, do you like the one I already have or would you recommend a different one?
Thanks soo much!
Just be patient, even if you submitt your essay after deadline you will still be consider for admission.
Don't worry, they will take a look at it. The moderators respond pretty quick too.
Thanks! Hopefully, I keep checking tonight.. but I don't know if they will respond that quickly.
I will try to be more patient! : )
Jenn
I always use a title, because it is the most powerful comminucation of the whole essay. If you don't give a title, it's like a boxer not bothering to throw a punch... or something like that..
:)
Anyway, the current title is boring, so change it to something interesting, something that inspired curiosity!!
wow i like the essay honestly besides grammar ur golden
If you are going to post a new thread asking for feedback on an old one, it is always a good idea to include a link to the original. Alternatively, if the other thread is quite old, and you have recently posted a substantially revised version of your work, you can post that version as a new thread.
Okay thanks Kevin, I will try to come up with a more interesting title... Do you like any of these...
My Dream Job
The Dream Career
The Experience that Changed my Life
My Inspiring Experience
My Ideal Job
Realizing (A Strong Connection with animals)
The place Where I Loved to Be
The Search for my future
The Inspiring Kennel
hmm.. I'm not very creative : P any suggestions?
Also.. I guess you did not see my question above the last one, but here it is again...
I really liked the revised sentences that you showed me. After adding those 2 revised sentences though, there seems to be a lot of sentences beginning with "I" in the first paragraph. Do you think that is okay?
P.S. Thanks kbros! That means a lot to me. What grammar mistakes do you see?
Hello everyone.. the title of the thread is Common App. Essay- Option #1: significant experience and its impact Thanks for replying to the post Kevin, but if you could just look at the thread again, because you forgot to answer one question. I hope I don't sound demanding! I know the moderators have a lot of posts to reply to and I understand that there is not a lot of time to look at one for a long amount of time. Thanks in return!
Jenn
Inspiration at the Dog Kennel ... that makes an interesting title... It makes me want to know what the inspiration was.
Also, what was the other question you are talking about?
Hey thanks Kevin, the question was in the post above my last post... with the titles...
but here it is again...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>
After adding the 2 revised sentences that you suggested to me, there seems to be a lot of sentences beginning with "I" in the first paragraph. Do you think that is okay?<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< <<<<<<<<<<<<<
Here is the first paragraph again..
Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped who I am as a person today. I plan to major in pre-veterinary medicine for my undergraduate degree. I hope to continue onto a graduate school to pursue my dreams of becoming a veterinarian. I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian, because I want a career that I know will bring fulfillment for the rest of my life. I came to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel.
Here is some help with the "I" problem.
Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped me into a person inclined toward veterinary medicine. I hope to major in pre-veterinary medicine and continue on to a graduate school to pursue my dreams of becoming a veterinarian. I am ready for the challenging process of ...
:)
Thanks Kevin, but three sentences or so still start with "I." Do you think this is okay or do you think it should be changed? Please reply ASAP so I can finally send this essay in! : )
Also.. how come the "into" is together and the "on to" is not?
Which sentence sounds better to you?
Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped me into the person that I am today.
OR
Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped who I am as a person today.
Thanks
Jenn
Good questions! When you use "onto" it is for talking about going onto, like, on top of something, but when you talk about moving on, as in moving on to something, you cannot say, "I was moving onto better things." However, you could say, "I moved onto the platform," or something.
I like this one better: Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped me into the person that I am today.
And about the I's... I fixed the first part to eliminate some of them... and at the end, there, where you say "I" a few times in a row I don't think that it too much anymore! I think it is all looking good, but how about switching the order of the sentences so you can start with: After having come to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel, I am ready to...
Thanks so much Kevin! Thanks for the explanations too. I think I am almost ready to finally send this in! I am confused about the last sentence you told me to switch around though...
Where should this be in the paragraph and are you telling me to combine sentences or get rid of some?
After having come to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel, I am ready to...
Just don't know where this sentence should go in the 1st paragraph and how to finish it.
Thanks again and LAST EVER question! : P
Jenn
P.S. Do these sentences sound okay?
Throughout the year, some employees would not take the job seriously and would have left kennels unclean or would have forgotten to feed the animals.
Both jobs involve caring for animals and making their lives the best it can be.
(it or they?)
I hope it's not the last question ever!!
Throughout the year, other employees lacked seriousness, sometimes leaving kennels unclean or forgetting to feed the animals.
Both jobs involve caring for animals and optimizing the circumstances of their lives.
You can remove the whole paragraph that details how you got the job, waited for the phone call, and ends with, "What did I get myself into?" That paragraph is not necessary, so you can cut it and focus on the realization that this is your calling.
After having come to understand the challenging-but-fulfilling nature of working with animals during my job working in an animal kennel, I am ready for the challenging process of becoming educated as a veterinarian. Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped who I am as a person today. I plan to major in pre-veterinary medicine for my undergraduate degree and continue on to graduate school in pursuit of my dream.
Like that?
Well, then it won't be the last question! I just don't want to bother you! : )
I took in your considerations and cut down my 2nd paragraph (and a couple sentences in the 3rd). I didn't want to get rid of the whole thing because then the 3rd paragraph didn't seem to make sense. Here is my essay now... (and it's very close to being sent in!)
I like it! I think all the work you put into this will pay off, for sure -- not just to get accepted, but also as the sort of accomplishment that you carry with you. Keep doing multiple drafts of the important things in your life!
Thanks again Kevin. I am glad that you were able to help me during this stressful process! I will definately be back in the future for college essays or just high school essays!
Jenn
