What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
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My first part is pretty long, in fact I intentionally did so because I know many unnecessary parts would be cut out later...there's in fact one (or two) ending paragraph I didn't post here(but not this long)....after revision, I would probably condense it into 600~650 words...here the part posted contains 660 words
Also, I'm considering changing my title...I just picked it up somehow when I'm writing....
I'm not a native speaker, so please help me pick out some awkward parts~
and of course, most importantly, any opinion on my response to the prompt is welcomed...
Any help is appreciated...
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notice the "(other factors are not discussed here)" is part of the eassy
My way toward my goal
My intended major is Business and Economics, to be more specific, Finance. From my point of view, finance is a mixture of business communication and economic analysis. It's a way of understanding how different parts of the world function and interconnect to each other.
My interest in finance surged in high school when I started to read financial magazines and business news. For the first time I realized nothing more than business connected people together. Just like what happened this year: major sugar exporter India was hit by a severe drought and its cane production decreased, caused an 80% surge in the international sugar price in the past 10 months (other factors are not discussed here). With eagerness to know the world, I chose Geography as my major in high school. Geography presented me with a reflection of our physical world. From the class I leant where things were produced, how industries were developed and how people were involved, which provides me with the basic knowledge toward a business career. More importantly, it taught me the skill of analyzing different factors under a given scenario, which I believe is essential in business analysis and decision-making. In fact, my success in learning geography gave me the opportunity to become one of the four students who represented our school to compete in the first National Geology Olympic Contest among other highly selective high schools over the country. I personally won 2nd prize in the contest, best of my school. This positive experience proved that I could succeed if I devote my energy into a thing. It gives me a great confidence in pursuing the profession-finance, which I'm really interested in.
I graduated from high school with a 641-point score in the University Admission Examination, an exceptional score which was only 28 points away from the top score of Geography major in Guangdong province. Then I entered my first-choice university, Jinan University, majored in finance under the most selective school-International school. Although I was actively engaged in leadership and student activities in high school, the university activities gave me more practical experiences. During the sole semester I attended in the university, I intentionally involved myself in a variety of extracurricular activities which I thought would build up my professional abilities in business and finance. I was elected as the leader of finance major, which helped me understand how to run a complete organization and communicate with your subordinates. I was also selected as a member of the highly selective debate team of the International School, which developed my public speaking skills and confidence. I also became the public relation officer of both the International School and Career Development Association of Jinan University. These two jobs gave me real experience of dealing with business people since I needed to persuade them to sponsor our activities. Even I took in part of these extensive activities, I managed to keep a relative high GPA under the heavy workload required by the university. Although it's only one semester, I've gained another leap toward my goal of becoming a financer.
However, when I gained this much success in both academy and activities, I felt somewhat lost. I kept pondered on the question: "Is this what I want?" and I found my ambition was in fact much bigger than I previously realized: I don't just want to be successful in China; I want to be a financial player who is influential on the international stage. To fulfill this ambitious goal, I need a world-class education in finance, and China cannot satisfy me. In all scales, the decision was extremely hard to make, since my parents gave me their full trust and it relied solely on my will. After consulted with my instructor, I decided to give up my study in China and start it in America from the ground again. The determinant behind my choice is my eagerness to succeed in finance.
Can you change your title to imply business or finance? It can be a play on words.. like, the business of making my way toward my goal.
Or something...
The correct way to write this sentence is like this:
My intended major is Business and Economics and , to be more specific, Finance.
I graduated from high school with a 641-point score in the University-----before this sentence you should start the paragraph with a good topic sentence. It is a para about your study-ethic, so write a topic sentence that refers to your drive to achieve.
After consulting with my instructor, I decided...
or
After I consulted with my instructor, I decided...
