Here is the revised version. the word limit is 250 for this essay.
"Whatever you do, own it!" My parent's words have echoed throughout my life, convincing me to pursue the goal of starting my own business. After watching both of my parents run their own businesses, I have seen the multitude of challenges that they face as well as the satisfaction. This has encouraged me to be my own boss. I have always had an interest in business, but after taking a class in international relations in high school, I was intrigued by how our country does business with others. As a leading partnership University, UCF will provide opportunities not found at other colleges. The level of commitment UCF has to its students and the ties it has to the outside business and government community is very impressive. I was pleased to see the amount and availability for business internships given to students during their college years. Over the past two summers my father has supported UCF undergrad internships at his brokerage office. Through conversations with these students, I have gained a better understanding of some of the course offerings, campus amenities, and personal challenges of college life. Additionally, the second I walked onto the campus I had that at home feeling and felt like I belonged. I believe the overall feeling you have about the college you plan to attend is very important.
Even though I have not firmly decided what type of business I want own, I know I will have endless opportunities to explore my ideas and talents at UCF.
These words have become a guiding force and have been expressed to me throughout my life.
- Sean wrote a nice article about avoiding the use of words of the form to be. You have to appreciate how weak, not to mention awkward, it comes off when you say "been expressed to me."
I have been taught by my parents that there is enormous power, satisfaction and many challenges in owning your own business.
- Problems abound in this sentence: the pesky "been" crops up again; also, enormous power, many challenges, and satisfaction... one of those three stick out, can you figure which one? You should revise this sentence, making sure that there is parallel structure, more importantly that you're saying something genuine (specific, free of exaggeration).
Because UCF is a leading partnership University, I feel the opportunities at this school will lead me to accomplishing my goal of owning a business one day.
- It's not looked upon favorably in formal writing to start off a sentence with "Because" -- worse is starting a sentence with because, then saying something you've more or less already implied. How is UCF is a leading University? How will it enable you? "accomplishing" should be changed to *accomplish
That should give you a start.
You need to use stronger verbs and more concise sentence structures. So, for instance:
Before: "'whatever you do, own it' These words have become a guiding force and have been expressed to me throughout my life. I have been taught by my parents that there is enormous power, satisfaction and many challenges in owning your own business. Because UCF is a leading partnership University, I feel the opportunities at this school will lead me to accomplishing my goal of owning a business one day."
After: "'whatever you do, own it' My parent's words have echoed throughout my life, convincing me to pursue the goal of starting my own business. As a leading partnership University, UCF will prepare me to do exactly that."
You could probably tighten it up even more, but this gives you an idea of how you should edit. Your original version was 69 words. Mine is 37, and says the exact same thing. Also, your version used the following verbs:
own
become
express
teach
to be ("is")
to be ("is")
feel
lead
Worse, "Become" and "express" end up becoming overwhelmed by the form of "to be" with which they are paired.
Mine uses the following verbs:
own
echo
convince
pursue
prepare
Not a form of "to be" in sight, and while some of the verbs are still a bit weak, overall the set is much stronger.
thanks so much for the imput, will revise and rewrite with changes.
In fact,O ver the past two summers my father has supported UCF undergrad internships at his brokerage offfice. Through conversations with these students , I have gained a better understanding of the some of the course offerings, campus amenities, and the personal challenges relative toof college life.
In general, I'd like you to be less wordy, as above. I also think you need to go a bit deeper than you do. Much of this essay is devoted to telling the reader that you know what the school offers and want to go there. That's true for everybody who applies. What's unique about you?
Finally, I'd like your conclusion to return to the theme of your introduction in some way.
"Whatever you do, own it!" My parent's words have echoed throughout my life, convincing me to pursue the goal of starting my own business. As a leading partnership University, UCF will prepare me to do exactly that. I have always had an interest in business, but after taking a class in international relations in high school, I was fascinated by how our country does business with others. This is a major I want to explore.
...
please look over revised version of essay. I added some points about me and tried to get rid of wordiness. Please look over and comment on revision. Thank you! You have been so helpful
"Whatever you do, own it!"
Did your parents mean "own it" literally, rather than in the usual figurative sense? Otherwise, I can't see how that quote relates to your desire to own your own business.
I have added additional information about the opening quote. It really is because of my parents owning their own businesses, that I have developed the desire to own mine. What they meant was whatever job I decide to do try to own it. Is it not good to open with a personal quote? if not, perhaps I could change the beginning all together. Thank you for the input, you guys are very helpful.
It's just that, generally, when one tells somebody to "own" their aspirations, they mean that figuratively, not literally. So, the quote threw me off. Perhaps, in between the quote and "Perhaps..." you could add the sentence, "They meant that literally."
Good idea, it would clear up confusion over the quote...how about the rest of the essay?
Take Sean and Mustafa's advice.
Flows well but I agree with everyone and listen to Sean.
