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White lab coats; CORNELL SUP/ How your interests influenced your major?


buttercup321 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
I am running late to submit my essays and this is what I came up with,not happy with it at all.Please help!
the topic is "how have your interests and related experiences influenced the major you have chosen in the College of agriculture and life sciences?"

the major I chose is "biological sciences"

Essay :

There are a few people in white lab coats walking hurriedly past each other.Women and men in blue scrubs read files and nurses in white uniforms carry stainless steel trays piled up with saline bags,syringes and other things that the little girl does not know the names of. She remembers that the small knife-like thing is called a scalpel. Most of them don't notice the little girl just sitting in one corner of the many benches in the hospital waiting room.Some of them think that the poor little thing must be either bored or scared to be in such a place. Both of the assumptions are as far from the truth as can be.She couldn't be happier doing anything else than to just sit there and watch the doctors and nurses and patients,she finds it fascinating.

That little girl would be me.

For hours,I would just sit in the waiting room of the hospital where my mother worked ,just silently observing.I knew from about the age of six that I wanted to be a Physician.Science has always been what intrigues me.I remember devouring my older cousin's science textbooks with such enthusiasm as if I was reading Harry Potter.Biology has always been the field that excites me.My mother is a Physician and I frequently went to pick her up at the hospital when her shifts were over.We would come home and at night she would tell me bed time stories about how science saves lives.Every night,a new story and new fuel to my dream of one day stepping into the world of medical science.

In grade 8 it was an easy and obvious choice to make when the students in our school were asked to choose either commerce related subjects or science related subjects. I have been working since then to slowly create the path that would take me to my destination.

There is a religious ceremony that we have,called Eid-ul-Azha,where we sacrifice animals.I used to take the different organs and cut them up,trying to understand how they worked,trying to match them up with the diagrams that I got from my science text books and the internet. I remember my delight when I first dissected an eye-ball,found the lens and understood how it worked. I looked forward to my practical lab classes in school and excelled at it. Working with my classmates in school science projects are probably my fondest memories.

Giving my best shot at academics has always been my priority. I know I have to keep my grades steady because the field I have opted for is highly competitive and I want to excel at it even under pressure.Knowledge requires endurance and patience,a lesson I feel I have learnt the hard way from hours and hours of trying to figure out something particularly difficult.But the sense of achievement after finally grasping the elusive answers is a feeling that I love and want to work for.

Now graduating high school,I am at the crossroads of my life,and I am more than sure of what I want to be and of the major that I have selected.Its unique curriculum shall enhance my knowledge and hold my interest as it includes the topics that I am most interested in,like the research on stem cells and the genetic approach to neuroscience.The recent research on stem cells has really caught my attention,as I feel it is a field with endless possibilities.

Cornell is my dream university and the college of agriculture and life sciences is the place to be for me.As a large research university with world renowned professors Cornell offers many opportunities for me to become the best that I can be. I hope I have been able to show through my essay the passion and ambition I hold to dive into my major and fulfill my undergraduate course so that I am one step closer to turning my dream into reality.
Karla281995 6 / 15 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
"Women and men in blue scrubs read files and nurses in white uniforms carry stainless steel trays piled up with saline bags,syringes and other things that the little girl does not know the names of.

This whole sentence is confusing. It's almost like a run on. Try taking some details out of the people you're talking about. It gets messy after piled up.

,she finds it fascinating.
Make sure to put spaces after every comma and period! I see a lot of those errors.

Science has always been what intrigues me. and Biology has always been the field that excites me.
are wayyy to similar

In grade 8 sounds weird. Also since its a number less than ten, you have to write eight. I suggest writing "in the eighth grade"

.As a large research university with world renowned professors Cornell offers many opportunities for me to become the best that I can be.
Put a space in between that period and A. Add a comma after professors and change "the best that I can be" That's almost a cliche . Maybe to be at your best potential?

Good Luck.
-Karla Valcourt
P.s You should return the favor!
mylesd 6 / 10 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #3
I can tell you were very rushed when writing this. So, my first suggestion is to take a deep breath and relax.

Currently, your essay lacks organization. You have very good examples that have influenced you into choosing the major you did. Now, you just need to express them more clearly.

My second suggestion is to expand every contraction. Contractions (can't, couldn't, would've, etc) are considered informal and should not be included in college essays. Instead you should write cannot, could not, would have, etc.

My third suggestion is to check for grammar errors. For example, the sentence "I looked forward to my practical lab classes in school and excelled at it." contains errors. The word "it" is singular so it does not agree with the plural word "classes." Instead of "it" use "them".

Speaking of the word "them," you use it too much in your first paragraph. To a reader it can come off as if you are unaware. To improve the first paragraph use more specific words, like doctors or whatever word fits the situation.

Hope I helped.
Good luck!
xcrunner095 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2012   #4
"I remember devouring my older cousin's science textbooks with such enthusiasm as if I was reading Harry Potter" sounds awkward. I would say try to reword it or split it up into two different sentences.

Overall I really like it but isn't the limit supposed to be about 500 words? Perhaps you could trim it down a little.
DrS 1 / 24 5  
Dec 27, 2012   #5
There's no organization at all. I don't see any logical transitions.
norman2013 1 / 9  
Dec 27, 2012   #6
oooh... this was hard to read. you mention a little about cornell at the end, but you should really be talking about it the entire time.
ayue7890 1 / 2  
Dec 27, 2012   #7
I think it is interesting. Good luck.


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