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'I want the whole thing' - Stanford a good place for you.



hotsaucegrl 6 / 15  
Oct 23, 2009   #1
this is a superrrr rough draft and it's not really for stanford, its a class assignment essay.
i dont really want to lists clubs and activities that stanford offers because it seems like everyone is doing that, so is there anyway i can take this approach but make it seem like stanford is the place for me? thanks!

--

Exhausted, I sit in my chair and brainstorm. I begin to think, "I am just one person among six other billion people. I am just one person among millions of other people who are applying to Stanford. What would make Stanford a good place for me and not the other millions?"

Throughout my life I have moved around, not state to state, but from country to country. I went through the pain of moving and leaving my friends, and the fear of making new friends and fitting in. Almost all my life I have lived overseas, whether it was in Japan or Korea. I have not yet experienced the lifestyle of most American teens. Even though the DoDDS Schools try to replicate state side schools as much as possible to make it feel like home, it is still not the same. During the summers, I am able to sample a small taste and a feel of what it would be like to live in the U.S. and go to school there. I don't want a taste anymore, I want the whole thing.

The opportunity is just around the corner and I am ready to make the final leap into full independence. I am finally at the end of my High School career and the acceptance of a college will make or break this opportunity to live the lifestyle I dreamed of.

Stanford isn't just one of my colleges among a list of others. I believe Stanford is a good place for me because it'll let me be the individual that I am, and I say this because it led founder, Leland Stanford to create a prestigious universities because he wasn't able to be the individual he wanted to be at another school. Stanford's overall community, especially the clubs they offer, seems to be a tight-knit family. Being a part of the student life at Stanford will let me develop as a person and I truly look forward to that.

onix - / 4  
Oct 23, 2009   #2
I feel like mostly this essay is not about stanford, or what they are looking for. YOu focus mostly on your desire to live an "american teen life of independence" (rough quote there, sorry). That to me doesn't specify standford. Focus on the specific strengths that you have gained from living in different countries, how you could bring this to stanford...and how stanford can also help you reach your other goals because it is a good fit for you---

Based on this essay, it seems like you just want to come to college to fulfill a fantasy dream of yours about what it means to be an american teenager. Oversimplified. Not enough depth. Doesn't say much about you.

Seriously---millions of people apply to stanford??? I doubt this. Don't say a million if there aren't a million applying. This is a bad use of exaggeration. It just makes you lose credibility.

"Exhausted, I sit on my chair and brainstorm." ---this is not a strong opening. The admissions committee does not need to know how you felt on October 23rd at 7PM...it doesn't tell them anything about you. Telling them about your process doesn't make you special. Writing a kick-ass essay that blows them away does.

The issue isn't necessarily that Stanford is a BAD place for others...just that it would be a great place for you---and that you would add something to that environment. (Mutually beneficial etc.)

"not state to state, but country to country" ----redundant. Saying "not state to state" does nothing for you here.

Try to say what you want to say succinctly.

You think that Stanford will be good for you because he wasn't able to be the individual he wanted to at another school. What does this even mean?? That this means that somehow since he had that experience you will too?

Not strong enough.

You have some strong key strengths----your experience abroad...your exposure to other cultures... etc. etc.

You are desiring a close knit environment, a community that Stanford has---and you think it will help you fulfill your life-long goals. I think you are on to something...just work on it some more!


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