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Windows on Williams Fly-in Essay "Describe your neighborhood and how it impacts you" 500 word limit


wax338 1 / 1  
Jun 28, 2023   #1
I was supposed to write about 500 words, this it 532. Can I get some help 1) shortening it a bit and 2) any suggested revisions, I am open to ANY AND ALL CRITICISM as I really want to get accepted to this fly-in program.

Describe your neighborhood and how it impacts you



As a military child, I've spent different parts of my childhood in different places of the world. I was born in Japan and lived there until I was two. I have very little memory of the time I spent there, but from seeing photos and hearing from my siblings, we had an enjoyable time there. When I was two, we moved to sunny San Diego. Despite moving away from there almost ten years ago, I have a very clear memory of my house, neighborhood, and different experiences I had.

Since we lived in military housing, there were plenty of kids and kind families around. We had plenty of parks and green spaces we could go to, with the closest being right down my street, in the center of our neighborhood. My siblings and I spent a lot of time here playing soccer with my dad and attending events held by the family support center. We would spend hours playing outside and inside with our friends all over the neighborhood. The different aspects of life in San Diego like the weather and kind people make me smile whenever I get lost in retrospection. These years taught me the importance of having a strong connection with family and friends. All of my good memories from this time revolve around spending time with loved ones, whether it was riding scooters or going to a friend's house to play video games.

When I was six years old my dad received orders to the largest naval base in the world - Naval Station Norfolk. As a young kid, I didn't understand how drastic of a change my life would take. During our first few months in Virginia, we were staying in a hotel while searching for a house. Squeezing 4 hyper kids, a pregnant mother, and my father in a 2 bed hotel room made for a very memorable experience to say the least. Though it was a lot different from San Diego, we still had what we needed. We had many friends at our temporary school and a park we could play soccer at. Our circumstances taught me that I can be happy anywhere as long as I have my family. Throughout our stay there, I became more responsible, realizing I would have to play an important role as the middle child in a large family. This caused my parents to put more trust in me and know they can rely on me.

When we finally moved into Norfolk, it seemed like a completely different world from San Diego. Our neighborhood felt desolate and barren. We never saw any kids in the houses and streets near us. As time passed, we found friends, parks, and places around the city to go to. Many years later, we are all completely settled in and happy with our city and neighborhood.

In all the different places I've lived, I have always been able to assimilate with my surroundings. Having been able to call so many different places home has impacted me in different ways, and I am genuinely glad to have lived these experiences that motivate me to work hard to put my family in a great neighborhood one day.

Thanks for reading(this isnt part of the essay)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,974 4811  
Jun 30, 2023   #2
You certainly took a stroll down memory lane when you wrote this essay. The problem is, the stroll did not equal to a proper response to the question. The impact of each area is not really focused on character building. Which is the whole point of the essay. Reminiscing about those times is not the same as directly explaining the impact these places had on you when you lived there. It would, in my opinion, be best if you focused the essay on the neighborhood that actually have a profound effect on your growing up. The one that actually built a sense of character, community belonging, and civic responsibility. The one that you can safely say influenced you on a personal level. You cannot be general in the terms of this discussion. It doesn't help to build your character on paper, which is what the reviewer will be looking for.
OP wax338 1 / 1  
Jul 16, 2023   #3
@Holt
Okay, thank you for the tips, I will definitely take those into consideration!


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