The incessant chit chattering of the sea of excited seniors roared in my ears as I sat awkwardly behind them, shielding myself from calls of old friends and teachers. Turning our attention to the discussions of incestuous relationships in the Sound and the Fury, I stared on timidly hoping to avert eye contact to avoid being called on. As the bells chimed for dismissal, I breathed a sigh of relief.
[...]
Well the first paragraph was amazing! It felt cut short and if I were in your shoes I would actually elaborate more on that because it really felt like I was inside your head. It helped me understand an important aspect of your personality and I think that's what you should build on.
Thank you for your reply! do you think I should elaborate more about what NYU can offer me? I feel like that section was too boring.
A typo I suppose:
growing up a Chinese community
--> growing up
in a Chinese community
I think your essay is decent though you can tell more about what you can offer NYU besides your background. I am applying NYU Shanghai, so can you help me with my essays as well? I really appreciate it. Thanks!
This is not a good essay for several reasons. NYU wants outgoing diverse people. You state in your essay that you live in NYC, yet you are still very timid and shy. Why should NYU trust that you won't do the same there? You do live in NYC and despite your immediate surroundings, it is fairly easy for you to escape to areas where you can mix and mingle with all that the city has to offer. Essentially, this argument will hurt you because they will believe that you will more than likely continue your way of being. Focus on the academic benefits of NYU and use examples of how you have taken advantage of opportunities in the past and how NYU will allow you to continue and advance this. - Admissions Advice Online
Hi, thank you for your input. I completely changed the direction of my essay because I think you are right.
The scent of the salty, crystal clear water overwhelmed me as I hurriedly rushed off the gangway of the ship as it was anchored into Nassau. The vibrancy of the colors that coated the intricate houses fought the boring squareness of buildings back in Brooklyn. Women everywhere were making braids on street, wooden décor and delicate animal fur was sold in gift markets, souvenirs complimenting Bahama's rich culture was sold at every corner. I looked on with my mouth slightly ajar, astonished by the incessant aggregation of different people everywhere. People singing, dancing, welcoming us to their homeland. It was all so overwhelming and surreal at the same time.
After my trip to the Bahamas, I realized that travelling and learning each has its own place in my many passions. My hope to travel and learn more about different cultures and ethnicities is what made me believe that NYU is an ideal place for me-a place where I can pursue and improve myself all at the same time. Being entirely secluded in my predominantly Chinese neighborhood my whole life, NYU's large and diverse population will put an end to my ignorance and expand my horizons to people who share different beliefs and customs.
NYU's global institutes will further my knowledge in what I dream to pursue in the future, which is dentistry. The options that lay ahead of me to decide whether or not I can learn the basics of chemistry and physics in London or Paris is something that I truly want to obtain. I am able to pursue my career and follow a recreational passion at the same time. There is no better option than to learn what you love and pursue your passions simultaneously.
Aside from its global programs, the rigorous courses that are offered in the forces its students to be self-reliant and inventive-traits that are essential in every career, especially a dentist. As a dentist, I will need to develop skills such as diligence an independence, traits that only NYU can help me develop.
My personal experiences and cultural background is something that I believe can benefit the student body. Throughout many trials and errors in my lifetime, I can provide advice and motivation for others by allowing them to be knowledgeable about my failures and what I learned from the consequences. Moreover, since I am considered a minority to others, being Chinese is something that can add to the diversity of the school. My unique culture and customs is something that can be of interest to many people.
I think the new one is less personal, but will sound better to admission committee