Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
One day while I was comfortably resting in my room, I heard a hawker passing by. I looked out of the window and the sight distressed me. A woman, carrying her newborn on her shoulders, was selling utensils; holding her dupatta, her other child, - who looked to be around six years old - was carrying a bundle on her head too. Was that the life that she must have dreamed of for herself and her children? What circumstances would have dragged her into denying her child's right to an education? I thought: why do people fail to realize the importance of education even after constant attempts by our government to convince the population? My thoughts then wandered into the fading memories.
[...]
Pranu, the essay that you present is quite compelling and timely. With more and more children leaving school because of their parents wishes, you have managed to shed light on the problem of continuing education in most nations. There is however, a portion of the essay that I would like you to develop further. It is about the speech that you gave to the hundreds of students. We never really found out why you had to give that speech. What subject was it for? What did you discuss in it? How was the audience reaction? These are bits and pieces of information that you should share with the reader because it is part of the central theme of your paper. Without that information, the essay has a gaping continuity hole that remains unaddressed. I look forward to your plugging that hole by discussing the event surrounding the speech in the revised version. Once the them has been completed, we will pay attention to correcting the grammar errors next.
Hello Vangiespen, I actually volunteered to teach few subject that the students found tough and hence lost interest. I taught them for nearly a whole academic year. I used different strategies to help me understand the topics and they did perform really well and during parents teacher meeting they mentioned how pleased they were to see the power of understand of their kids.
Pranu, you need to work that information into the essay because it will show why you are so passionate about the topic of education and what lengths you will go to in order to advance your advocacy for the cause. At the moment, that topic is a missing link in the essay that could provide the continuity that the essay needs in order to establish how important education is to you. By providing the explanation of your activity, we see how serious you are about education and how you have been affected as a person, how you have evolved and thoughts influenced, by this advocacy in your everyday life.
Please do your best to work it into the final essay form. I am sure that you will see the remarkable influence that paragraph will have upon your statement. If you have problems with blending it into your essay, just do your best and I will assist you in the final blending of the statement.
Hi Vangiespen, I worked on my essay again. I am not sure if this is what you wanted to see but here it is.
A shambling gait followed by the calls of a hawker disrupted my immense pleasure of reading Vikram Seth's beautifully written novel. Keeping the book aside, I looked out and the sight distressed me.
A woman carrying her newborn on her shoulder was auctioning utensils while her other child- who looked to be around six years old, holding her dupatta, followed her ploddingly with a bundle on her head too. I thought: Could the woman have been so blind to choose this wearisome circumstance rather than the fostering atmosphere of a school for her children? My judgement of such panorama of the woman was rather irrelevant for her circumstances could have been beyond my understanding.
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Pranu, here are my notes on your essay.
Keeping the book aside, I
-
Setting the book...
My judgement of such panorama of the woman was rather irrelevant for her circumstances could have been beyond my understanding.
-... woman
's circumstances...
That day, while I was lost in cons and pros of the attempts to awaken the mass, a long lost memory rewound.
-
That day, as I weighed the pros and cons of the government's futile attempt to awaken the masses to the value of an education, a long forgotten memory returned.With a promise to never inject needles or prescribe bitter medicines, I strolled around with my toy stethoscope .
- Stick only to references pertaining to your education advocacy.she wore neither school uniform nor had her school bag. S
-... neither
the school uniform...
Just apply these corrections and then we will do one final review of your essay :-)
That day, as I weighed the pros and cons of the government's futile attempt to awaken the masses to the value of an education, a long forgotten memory returned
A shambling gait followed by the calls of a hawker disrupted my immense pleasure of reading Vikram Seth's beautifully written novel. Setting the book aside, I looked out and the sight distressed me.
[...]
I come from a place where ignorance, poverty, gender inequality, superstitions have had a major say in who gets educated. Today things are changing and I feel proud to be its agent.
- Pranu, this actually sounds more effective as an opening hook than as a closing statement. Would you like to reconsider the hook? You can add this as a sort of reflection moment for yourself that leads us into the essay discussion.With their excellent performance in exams, I was on cloud nine. Their parents were proud of them and had no prejudice against their education. That day we both had our reasons to feel proud and privileged; I had laid the foundation of my aspiration and their relentlessness to learn had paid off, which was visible in the innocent eyes.
- This line is actually already effective as a closing statement as it is. Perhaps you can just add a line indicating that you can't help but think back to those days when you think about how far education for yourself and your country has come?Please read it and let me know what you think about it. Also would love it if you all could reply as soon as possible!
A shambling gait followed by the calls of a hawker disrupted my immense pleasure of reading Vikram Seth's beautifully written novel. Setting the book aside, I looked out and the sight distressed me.
A woman carrying her newborn on her shoulder was auctioning utensils while her other child- who looked to be around six years old, holding her dupatta, followed her ploddingly with a bundle on her head too. I thought: Could the woman have been so blind to choose this wearisome circumstance rather than the fostering atmosphere of a school for her child? My judgement of such panorama of the woman's circumstances could have been beyond my understanding.
I wondered, why even after several attempts made to convince the population, people remained ignorant of the importance of education? That day, as I weighed the pros and cons of the government's futile attempt to awaken the masses to the value of an education, a long forgotten memory returned.
Hazaribag, was the very place where I spent my childhood with different aspirations of becoming teacher, pilot, doctor etc. I loved going to school; my bag and books were so precious that I could not bear anyone laying a hand on them except a dear friend of mine. We enjoyed each other's company; competing, sharing lunch, participating in different activities and at the end of the day, quarrelling on petty issues was part of our daily routine.
One day, she didn't come to school. Her absence continued for several days. When she finally arrived she wore neither the school uniform nor had her school bag. She looked dispirited; I rushed to her.
She confessed that her family had commanded her to work - they thought education was not getting them any food to survive on. I tried to convince her to continue at school but she was helpless. I never saw her again. My parents on the other hand, advocated my study and adjoined an aspiration to my list which was becoming guiding light.
Here I was again, with my high school diploma and the same initiative: to convince children to study. But this time it wasn't my dear friend but hundreds of students that I was to encourage to be educated. My determination to inspire them was stronger than my fear of handling students who lacked interest in my subject. With 90 pair of eyes staring at me, it was a quest to conquer.
I was their teacher, but with an assurance of being more like friend, their will, to share the difficulties they encountered, strengthened. It helped; visual learning and revision quizzes took them by surprise at first for they were not used to such activities in an English class. Regular dictations strengthened their spellings. Active outdoor activities enthralled them and made them realize that learning wasn't just memorizing but using in daily life too. Although conversing in English was tough, listening to them was a pleasure. They weren't perfect, but they knew I would correct them gently.
With their excellent performance in exams, I was on cloud nine. Their parents were proud of them and had no prejudice against their education. That day we both had our reasons to feel proud and privileged; I had laid the foundation of my aspiration and their relentlessness to learn had paid off, which was clearly visible in the innocent eyes.
I come from a place where ignorance, poverty, gender inequality, superstitions have had a major say in who gets educated. But Mahatma Gandhi once said "Be the change you want to see in the world"; today things are changing and I feel proud to be its agent.
Pranu, you spend too much time reflecting on the story of the woman selling utensils and your friend instead of yourself in this essay. You practically mention yourself as an afterthought at the close of the essay. That is not how this essay is to be written. Choose between the story of the woman and the story of your friend. Which one best explains your reasons for wanting to become a teacher? Use only one story to highlight your decision. Then concentrate on the way you came to this realization as you stood, teaching 90 kids and how you now wish to help enact the change that you want to see in your country. Remember, you have to concentrate on your central identity, not the identity of other people and how you felt about it. That does not answer the prompt. Concentrate on yourself, your identity, and how these people helped you discover who you are and what you want to be in the future.
