Women's Safe House, volunteering - Common Application Essay

Hi, I have written a rough draft for the personal statement for Common App. The prompt is: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

I hope i have accomplished that here- I am applying to schools like Penn, JHU, and Columbia, so please be honest (but not brutal;S) about my writing.

The first time I volunteered at a Women's Safe House. The first time I witnessed the awful conditions workers endure in India. The first time I heard a woman's story of her fight with cancer. All these people and experiences have left me in awe; their positive influences on my moral compass are implicit. However, they come so easily to my mind that I feel I should delve deeper into my mental book of memories to find the one person who has taught me nothing about how courage and strength can support someone. Rather, I wish now to learn from someone whose own happiness and contentedness has shielded her from the ugly side of life. Someone who has not suffered disease or hardship, but enjoyed the simple pleasures life has to offer that I always seem to miss. I found this person tucked away on a yellowed page in my mental book of memories, hidden so carefully that I almost missed it. Her name was Shayla.

Shayla was neither a leader nor a follower. She was neither here nor there. Wandering in her own little world, Shayla met me one afternoon in a crowded classroom at the local elementary school I was tutoring at. She was tall and chubby with two pigtails standing straight out of her beaming eight-year-old face. The moment she saw me, she stuck out her sticky hand and said, "Hi there!"

My initial impression of Shayla was far from what it currently is. I assumed she was just another second grade student whose grades were far below average because of either her parent's clemency or her own neglectfulness. Even her teacher Mrs. Faust seemed to have lost all hope in Shayla because of her poor academic performance. Mrs. Faust had explained to me that she could not give Shayla special attention because she had to take care of the other, more accelerated students in her class. It seemed as if no one had ever taken the time to help the young girl. My job was to, "help her with her homework," and though it was not said, I understood I also had to teach her the skills to become a better student.

Every Thursday after school, I would come to the same crowded classroom to meet Shayla and begin her homework. I could tell from the beginning that she would be difficult to teach. She would rather sit and gossip with me about how her day was instead of doing any work. I would chuckle along with her, and then nudge her in the right direction. But I soon came to realize that Shayla was teaching me something more important than was I teaching her. Whenever I would see her, Shayla would always be smiling. Even after one month, when she was not improving and Mrs. Faust had told Shayla how disappointed she was in her, Shayla continued to grin at everyone. I got frustrated, angry even, that Shayla did not seem to care about doing her work. Instead, she would take me to the window and show me the new flowers that were sprouting in the garden outside. She would show me the rabbit family that was migrating past our school. She was blissful after seeing the first snowflakes stick to the window during winter. Every day, she would show me something different, and everyday, I would try to tell her the values I had learned during my short life: hard work, dedication, and determination, even though I was not sure if anything I said was staying with her. After a year of patient tuition, Mrs. Faust informed me of Shayla's small, if not miraculous improvement in school.

Thinking back on Mrs. Faust's amazement at Shayla's sudden change, I have realized that I have learned just as much as Shayla did. She taught me the importance of being happy, even when facing adversity, or in her case, a disappointed teacher. I have learned to appreciate what I have around me. She may not have dealt with disease or hardship, but her innocence has taught her how to value the small treasures life has to offer. I will never know for sure if I taught Shayla to be a better student, but I can be sure that Shayla taught me how to be a better person.

*It is 720 words. Should I shorten it? lengthen it? I really want it to convey my appreciation for this girl. Also, how do I format the essays when i submit them?*

Thanks!!!!

It's a nice essay and I can see what you want to convey.

some minor suggestions:
I know you want to convey your greatfulness, but I think it may be better if you put more emphasis on how she influenced you,not only by simply stating that "She taught me the importance of being happy, even when facing adversity, or in her case, a disappointed teacher. I have learned to appreciate what I have around me. "

I think some specific examples in your own life that how the influence changed you will be helpful.

^^ It's only my own point of view. I am a chinese students, so my english is not that good. Hope it can help you. btw, I used to have the same question as you did before. But one fo my friend who was enrolled by princeton last year had 959 words on his common application essay. So I think it doesn't matter if you write 720. What you need to do is just grasp the attention of the AO~and the moderator here also told me so. Keep walking!! I hope that you can get into your dream school!

It may be a little too long, I would suggest shortening it a bit and be more specific.

maybe i should add more emphasis on my new-found appreciation for the little things in life?

Thanks

^lol


^Ummm. This is your first sentence. It just stops, even though the sentence structure requires you to talk a bit more. Perhaps you should consider starting with 'It was the first time..'


^Why are you saying this. Do you think readers actually care? If you really need to delve inside, and make this clear to your readers, then you are kind of suggesting that the person you are going to talk about does not immediately stand out as the most influential person in your memory. Quite frankly, this sentence is pointless. Yes you may have thought this when you were writing your essay. You do not make this point, in your essay.


^I really do not see what type of an effect you are going for by saying stuff like this.
Looking back, I think you mentioned your first few lines about working and seeing working conditions, to try and impress your readers. Well quite frankly, I am unimpressed because you started off with something that could have been quite powerful, but you immediately scrape it away. It makes me think, why would you include this. It seems as if you are going for the 'OMG, I HAVE DONE SO MUCH IN LIFE AND SEEN SO MANY THINGS AND PEOPLE. I HAVE SEEN SOOOO MUCH THAT IT IS DIFFICULT TO CHOOSE WHO IS SO INFLUENTIAL ON ME. OMG OMG' card.

What makes it worse, is that all of these 'accomplishments' have no pertinence AT ALL to your essay. So quite frankly, you just wasted my time.

You know what. Remove your first paragraph completely, and start over with a newer introduction. I read the next few lines and already can see that Shayla has no link with the introduction. The introduction therefore, is garbage, because it neither sets the scene of where you are in, nor does it give any information about Shalya. It is a useless paragraph, because it has no link with what you are going to say in the main body of your essay. Take it out, and I may reconsider looking at your essay. Also if you remove it, your word count will go down.

Liebe, you write about how the first sentences were trying to impress the readers. I was simply trying to show that I have also learned from those experiences. However, someone who has had a great impact on me was a person whose story was not as different from my peers.

Please do not confuse my writing with trying to impress anyone because I am not. I was going for a different way of starting off my essay so that it wasn't just another one about a war veteran or Hilary Clinton. I wanted it to come across as my appreciation for what Shayla, a girl who I tutored, taught me in return.

In my opinion, if I am trying to think of someone who has had a great impact on my life, it should never be a person who has had such an impact on me that it remains on my mind all the time. It is not someone who has spent 50 years trying to cure cancer, but a person whose honest attempts at living life are improved by the little things in life. I would rather learn from someone who I can relate to.

Thank you for your criticism.

^You kind of don't. You just make a one sentence statement about it in fact, rather than saying what you have actually learned about these experiences.


^Fair enough. My point is that that is the impression that I got. Whilst you were going for a different way of starting your essay, my point is that this 'different way of starting', does not help your essay. That is why I suggested you remove it. If you read my comments above, I suggested why I think you should remove it as well.


^Sure enough, that is your opinion. And you have every right to stick by it. If that is your opinion, then go for it. I would have just thought that a 'significant influence' is one that has been the most striking to you, and therefore, 'remains on your mind all the time'. However, like I said before, you are entitled to your own opinions and your own ways of tackling and addressing the question. Afterall, the words 'influential' and 'significant' are subjective and is a matter of perception.

Thank you for your comments- I have a lot of thinking to do before I set my heart on one essay or introduction etc.

I understand what you are trying to do, stylistically, with this series of sentence fragments. But it doesn't quite work. Your reader is more likely to be confused than intrigued by them.

I don't mean that should shouldn't mention these things. You should! The story of Shayla is fine, but not that uncommon. It's good to let the school know you have had wider experiences.

But, as Liebe said (although I would have said it more kindly), starting with the safe house (etc.) leads the reader to expect something much more powerful than is coming. I'm not sure quite how to resolve that if, indeed, this story is the one you want to stick with.

I actually liked this essay. It was nice and touching in its own sort of way. However, given that this is an application essay, rather than a school assignment, I am reluctantly forced to agree with the others:


Any one of these would be a much better topic to pick. You are lucky to have so many good topics come so readily to mind.

What I was trying to do was go with a topic that was not on a level (like cancer or abuse) that I could not relate to. Because I have never (thankfully) gone through any of those experiences, I don't know if I can say anything unique about how it influenced me. However, I do not want admissions to think that the essay I have written reflects a narrow number of experiences. What I thought I was doing was using a topic that was different and trying to learn something from an everyday event (because so many kids tutor, I wanted to show that I actually learned something from it rather than just doing it for my resume).

That being said, I do now see how my introduction does leave the reader expecting something more than it gets.
However, if I write about one of the three experiences I wrote in my intro,I feel that all I could say I learned from it are to believe in yourself, or to be independent, etc. These sounded more cliche to me than tutoring Shayla. I have read sample essays online that were about friends or appreciating something from what others think is nothing.

If you have any ideas about what I could write in addition to the "independence or believe in yourself" idea I would greatly appreciate it.

I do see how my intro needs work.
thanks for your input

Here are some things to think about: Many, many students who apply to college have tutored younger students. Very few have also volunteered at a safe house and witnessed sweatshop labor conditions. The story about Shayla is sweet but slight and fits into a well-worn format: the tutor/teacher who is surprised to find herself learning from the student. So, the question becomes: If you want to stay with that as your primary focus, how can you bring in these other experiences in a way that adds to rather than detracts from the power of the story.

One way would be to use the safe house/India/cancer experiences to set the stage: This world is a violent place in which there is so much suffering and injustice that it can be hard to be happy. Next, tie this into the story of Shayla by sharing something about the hard circumstances that led her to need tutoring. This will then add to the power of what you relate concerning her ability to find happiness in everyday life.

Thanks so much- i actually have decided to build an essay about the injustices Indian laborers face daily- maybe under the topic of a political or international problem that in my opinion needs to be addressed (in common app)

I have had the experiences around me the whole time, I just needed to truly grasp their value to me.

hey,

I think it's really good. Don't be disheartened when people criticize your writing a lot, it's because they think it's at a good enough level to be that deeply criticized. Also, I am wondering if you feel that you have to change your essay topic because of all this critism--if what you're now going to write about will not be as sincere then it's not worth it. (I'm in the same boat as you, trying to write my Common App essay and make it good, get into Columbia, etc :P--though Columbia's not Common App and from looking at their application from last year (the new one's not up yet) they ask for between 250-500 words so you could use this essay but you'd have to shorten it to 500 words. If they keep the same essay prompt as last year that is.)

The first paragraph kind of wanders off because of the whole metaphor about books, as well as the Indian volunteering thing which is kind of misleading. It really does distinguish you (especially if you are not Indian--are you?), but it takes away from the main point of the story which is the girl. And I realize that the girl thing seems more common than your experiences volunteering in India. But if you now try to write about Indian labor workers, are you sure that it won't seem insincere/preachy? At least your current essay is sincere, and with a concrete example of how her happiness directly affected your life and improved it, it'd be even better. BUT--what Sean, Simone, and Liebe have said is also valid. I would write the second essay about Indian laborers or whichever other experience, make sure it's as personal and connects directly to you, and then see which one people think is better. That's basically what I have done with my two drafts of essays.

Good luck!

Yeah thats exactly what I have been thinking about. I could definitely write a sincere essay on my experiences in India (and yes- I am Indian). I just need to articulate myself well- thanks kritipg

Your new topic sounds promising. Be careful, though -- you will have to strike a fine balance between emotion and logic. You need to express how personal the issue is to you while still showing that you can analyze the situation critically. Good luck, and I look forward to reading your first draft.

Okay- so after a LOT of thought, I decided to go with something completely different- again. I have written a rough draft of the common app topic about analyzing a significant event in your life. I feel really sincere about this topic and would like to stick with it.

Thanks and let me know what you think!! (also, its kinda long so any proofreading would help!)

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic. These three things alone can inundate a person. In the summer, they feel sticky and restless, the latter because of the merciless sun that pervades every inch of India's capital. The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else. This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India. I felt disconnected from civilization and the basic facilities I was used to in my American suburb. Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country my entire family is from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

On previous visits to India, the traffic was what I hated the most. There were hundreds of cars all crawling on the worn out roads like ants. We were so close to neighboring cars that I was surprised our car never got scratched. On our way to visit relatives, we were forced to leave an hour or two earlier than our expected arrival time not for the distance, but for where the congested roads would lead us. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples, malls, and bazaars like fish in a school, unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

On a visit to my aunt and uncle, we began to discuss the quality of India's roads and general environment. Homesick, I began to complain about the dirt and heat, but my uncle interrupted me to repeat the famous words of Protagoras: "there are two sides to every question," or in my case, the perspective through which I saw India. He told me to embrace the country around me and its fast pace. By doing so, he told me, not only would I enjoy my trip to India, but also realize India was more than a third world country.

As difficult as it was, I followed my uncle's wise words and was blown away by what I saw. It was almost as if I was seeing India from a different, open-minded mind-set. The sentence before is awkward- any suggestions? I had answered the question that always remained on my mind: how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls? I found the answer in one simple word: energy. When I stopped and listened to India itself, I felt positive energy flowing from everywhere. From the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins. It was the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. The street vendors were no longer a burden as they implored me to buy their glossy magazines, but proof of India's life. Always accustomed to the amenities the US has to offer, I failed to see how in my hometown, the same energy India had was missing. The crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more. It represented the average Indian. It was a beacon of its potential and verve. It was the pulsating heart of India, alive and beating to the unique rhythm that I had always failed to feel. The incessant honking on the streets, despite the "no honking" signs, was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it.

I never thought I would think that India has so much more to offer. No matter where I was or who I interacted with, from store clerks to the researchers in the lab I was interning at, I was continuously amazed at India's never-ending opportunities and many dimensions. Now, back home in the US, I miss the new found charm and charisma I have found in India. Its culture and excitement can be overwhelming at first, but soon amaze and captivate you. The color and vitality India has to offer was always in front of me; I just had to be willing to soak it all in. I want to add something that connects something I said in my intro to my conclusion- I was thinking like: I never thought I would learn to love the filth, population, and traffic, not for what it was, but for what it represents.

Wow, this is really similar to my first essay--you should go check it out. Anyway, that makes me think that this a really common topic..so you should consider that (and so should I). Because from reading my essay you'll see that we sound like pretty similar people even though I'm sure we're not. And it's important to accentuate your differences on the application so you stand out. There are lots and lots of Indians living in the US who visit every summer,and I'm sure many of them choose to write about slowly growing to love their country--and I doubt half of them are really telling the complete truth about that.

Btw how come you didn't write about working in the safe house, or talking to the woman who had cancer? If these didn't have a big effect on your life then there's no need to mention them, but they would show that you are different from just any Non-Resident Indian who comes and visits each summer. Most don't choose to really involve themselves in the community through volunteer-work; that truly does distinguish you. And by the way, I still like your first essay a lot.

What's the significant event here? Visiting India for the first time? Seeing the traffic? Visiting your uncle? It's a good essay if you were writing about how your culture / upbringing shaped you, but I'm not sure if works with the topic you have chosen.

Basically I wanted to show that this specific trip to India changed my thinking- to be open-minded enough to see the good in my environment even when it seems gross or bad. I wanted it to come through my essay that I started to see what my country had to offer. Based on what you said, which of the below choices should I choose? If I added some more to my essay, could I say its the diversity essay? Not that many people use that one, so maybe this essay won't seem to common to admissions. I could also use topic of your choice.

Common App topics are
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Topic of your choice.

I also worked at a United Nations lab during that visit to India. Maybe I could emphasize that a little more in my essay to show that I did something different in India and to add another dimension to myself (to show that I am more than a non-resident Indian who now loves my country).

thanks

You could use it for either of the last two. To be honest, I'm not a big fan of the essay, though. It's well-written enough, stylistically, but the message is weak. So, you realized that, though India is materially poor, it is also vibrant and energetic, so the dire poverty doesn't matter. That doesn't really make me see you as a particularly desirably university applicant. Others here may disagree with me, though . . .

i see your point- I want to add that I didn't become blind about the fact that India has homeless people and a poor infrastructure. The poverty is a HUGE part of India, but it isn't the only thing it has.

If I added that (and made it clear enough) do you think the essay would have more power?
I definitely don't want to come across as a person who ignores the bad in life.

You need something like this, only instead of loving the squalor, perhaps you could talk about how seeing the great potential of India inflamed your sense of social justice, inspiring you to fight against poverty, inequality, etc.

I agree with Sean. This essay does not have a strong message; it doesn't help you to stand out. Either rewrite it to focus SOLELY on one community and service thing you did in India and how it changed you/your opinion of the country, or work on tweaking your first essay. Why don't you write about the fact that you worked in a Safe House? And how that affected your views of the country, etc.

Hi everyone the revised version of my essay is below. Tell me what you think. Your comments are appreciated.

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic. These three things alone can inundate a person. The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else. This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India. I felt disconnected from the basic facilities I was used to in my American suburb. Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country I am from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

On previous visits to India, traveling outside was what I hated the most. I was restless sitting in our small car on the road, where hundreds of cars were crawling like ants. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples and bazaars like fish in a school, unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

As trying as my trips to India became, I asked myself how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls. When I stopped to reflect on this question during my recent trip, I tried to soak in all of my surroundings and open my mind. Suddenly, I had understood. When I stopped to listen to India itself, I found my answer in one simple word: energy. I sensed it from the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Once I noticed the positive energy, I felt it surging within me. I felt inspired to do my part to improve the country while I was there. My serendipitous realization made me feel that it made no sense to complain about how India is. By doing my part, my continued effort could begin to reduce the inequality and poverty in India. Rather than closing my eyes to the vulgarity of India's poor and assume that it has no future, I decided to open my mind and try to make a difference, to finally do my job as an Indian.

While I was just one person with new and exciting hopes for India, I believed I could still take effective action. With my new found open mindedness, I became a volunteer for UNICEF, an organization whose efforts to help the destitute are renowned. Additionally, I started to do research at a United Nations lab in India to help understand the diseases that left so many incapacitated and to ultimately find their prevention. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins. I saw it as the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. I had not become blind of India's neglected roads, people, and buildings, but aware of what I could do to help India rise up from where it had fallen. I had seen its potential in the people from working in a lab in New Delhi; their hard-working attitudes could easily be used to better their nation.

During my trip to India, I was able to do my part. By working in a United Nations lab, I researched the Tuberculosis disease. It is rampant in India because of a lack of clean drinking water. Hopefully in the future, the research I assisted the lab do will lead to drugs and medicines to reduce the numbers suffering from this ailment. Once disease in India is controlled, sick beggars can become healthy workers. By becoming a volunteer for UNICEF, I have sent countless letters to my senators to allocate more money to UNICEF so that it may help the vagrants of India and other such peoples. It has also opened my eyes to the horrendous conditions so many people all over the world face daily. With time and dedicated effort, India will hopefully be able to improve its infrastructure and reduce the number of needy.

Once I became open to differences and willing to see the potential in things, I saw a change in myself. To me, the crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more. The incessant honking on the streets was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it. That it was ready for change if anyone else was ready to do his or her part. This trip to India opened my eyes to the world around me, and taught me the value of doing so in my daily life. Not only had I finally connected with India, but I also connected with myself.

I never thought I would learn from the filth, the population, or the traffic in India, not for what they are, but from what they represent. They represent the average Indian surroundings. They are a beacon of its potential and verve. They are the pulsating heart of India, alive and beating to the unique rhythm that I had always failed to feel. Not only that, but they alone have taught me the value of being open-minded and ready for change; to be able to see past a crude exterior and appreciate what value it may still have.

Walking down a street in New Delhi, India for the first time, a person can only notice a few things: the filth, the population, and the traffic.

^Not any person may note this. I doubt a year old baby that has just learnt how to walk would take notice of filth as much as we, or even you, would.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
Inundate means to flood...

The experience as a whole is more tiring to most than anything else.
^More tiring than a marathon? Or one workout session featuring squats and deadlifts, followed by other exercises?

This is exactly as I felt during my first trip to India.
^Needs grammar revision. How did you feel? Just tired?

**Moreover, I only saw India for what it lacked: order, infrastructure, and cleanliness. Even subsequent trips left me disappointed in the condition of the country I am from. However, during a recent trip to India, my perception of the atmosphere in India has completely changed.

^I swear to god I have read an essay just like this on this site.

On previous visits to India, traveling outside was what I hated the most.
^How can you say precious. With the exception of that one recent trip, all your other trips were disappointing. Precious is the incorrect word here, given the context.

I was restless sitting in our small car on the road, where hundreds of cars were crawlingcrawled like ants. I would shudder to see and smell the mounds of garbage in markets, no doubt a reflection of India's burgeoning population. I used to cringe as my family and I moved with the crowds of people at temples and bazaars like fish in a school , unable to breath in the body odor of the beggars around us.

As trying as my trips to India became, I asked myself how was India still a thriving nation even with all its apparent downfalls.
^Did you mean tiring. Also, how is it thriving? I assume you mean economically. I think you should mention this.

When I stopped to reflect on this question during my recent trip, I tried to soak in all of my surroundings and open my mind. Suddenly, I had understood.

^Just like that eh? Perhaps, you can tell us what you were doing at the time so that your essay paints a more vivid picture of how you made your discovery.

When I stopped to listen to India itself, I found my answer in one simple word: energy.
^Were you listening? This is why I think you should tell us what you were doing whilst making your discovery. It just makes it more clearer to readers, what you were doing. I thought by soaking in all of your surroundings, you just stood there and took a deep breath or something, ye know..

I sensed it from the streets, the houses, and most importantly, the people. Once I noticed the positive energy, I felt it surging within me.

^Describe the positive energy that you see. Earlier, you had described beggars and filth. How could you see positive energy through all of this, is what I, as a reader, would like to know.

I felt inspired to do my part to improve the country while I was there. My serendipitous realization made me feel that it made no sense to complain about how India is. By doing my part, my continued effort could begin to reduce the inequality and poverty in India.

^What part? What continued effort?
How can you alone, reduce the inequality and poverty in India? K I guess you may discuss that in your remaining paragraphs and sentences.

Rather than closing my eyes to the vulgarity of India's poor and assume that it has no future, I decided to open my mind and try to make a difference, to finally do my job as an Indian.

^India's poor has no future. Or India has no future? Which one were you trying to imply in your sentence.

While I was just one person with new and exciting hopes for India, I believed I could still take effective action. With my new found open mindedness, I became a volunteer for UNICEF, an organization whose efforts to help the destitute are renowned .

^Do not assume that your readers are unintelligent enough not to know what Unicef is.

Additionally, I started to do research at a United Nations lab in India to help understand the diseases that left so many incapacitated and to ultimately find their prevention. Suddenly, the congested traffic was no longer just traffic. It was the blood of India flowing through its veins.

^I wouldnt say it is the blood of India. Id say it is just the blood of the New Delhi. Also, if you are comparing traffic to blood, it would be advisable to compare the roads to veins.

I saw it as the excitement of activity and life reverberating from every corner. I had not become blind of India's neglected roads, people, and buildings, but aware of what I could do to help India rise up from where it had fallen.

^Well then what can you do?

I had seen its potential in the people from working in a lab in New Delhi; their hard-working attitudes could easily be used to better their nation.

^Then again, you do need to realize that these people are the minority of India, as the majority of the population are impoverished. Whilst they may also have hard working attitudes, which they indisputably do, can these poor people really better the nation? They can, but Id like to hear how you think they might be able to in that case.

During my trip to India, I was able to do my part. By working in a United Nations lab, I researched the Tuberculosis disease.
^Shouldnt this be put earlier, when you first talked about working at the UN.

It is rampant in India because of a lack of clean drinking water. Hopefully in the future, the research I assisted the lab do will lead to drugs and medicines to reduce the numbers suffering from this ailment.

^How long did you work there? If you worked there for a few months, do you really think that your research alone is good enough, seeing as how teams of people have been working for years now...If you worked for less than a few months...then I would not suggest being so bold and give the impression that you did so much research that it can contribute to a medical breakthrough.

Once disease in India is controlled, sick beggars can become healthy workers.
^Yes. This is not only in India, this is all over the world. Also, tubercolosis is not the only disease in India. (I know you may know this, but from my understanding of your essay structure, you believe this. It is what your essay structure implies, in my opinion)

By becoming a volunteer for UNICEF, I have sent countless letters to my senators to allocate more money to UNICEF so that it may help the vagrants of India and other such peoples.

^
I thought you were more concerned about the sick people, rather than the vagrants. Also, India may have vagrants as some people may be on a spiritual or religious journey. Perhaps, you should just say 'people in need of aid'??

It has also opened my eyes to the horrendous conditions so many people all over the world face daily.
^What has? People donating money has made you seen this?

With time and dedicated effort, India will hopefully be able to improve its infrastructure and reduce the number of needy.
^This is just general knowledge. Everyone should know this.

Once I became open to differences and willing to see the potential in things, I saw a change in myself. To me, the crowded Indian markets, with people chattering and children laughing, were no longer a nuisance, but much more.

^What were they then? Even more of a nuisance?

The incessant honking on the streets was no longer noise pollution, but India's voice screaming out to anyone willing to listen to it.
^Not India. New Delhi.

That it was ready for change if anyone else was ready to do his or her part.
^I understand your interpretation of the symbolism here. However, in reality, arent the people just honking because there is just traffic and people want to get to their destinations; people want to move on.

This trip to India opened my eyes to the world around me, and taught me the value of doing so in my daily life. Not only had I finally connected with India, but I also connected with myself.

^I wouldnt say the world around you. From your essay, you say how India has just taught you about India.

I never thought I would learn from the filth, the population, or the traffic in India, not for what they are, but from what they represent. They represent the average Indian surroundings.

^The average Indian surrounding, is filthy, populous and full of traffic? It may be, however I am not sure if this is entirely true. Some parts of India are clean. Some parts do not have a lot of traffic.

They are a beacon of its potential and verve.

looool. Yeah that would be mine...
Anyway, I'm writing on something else now, 10tlala, so at least you have one less person to worry about using the same topic as you. ;)

Hmm...I would not take to heart all of Liebe's corrections because he made quite a few and the whole tone of your essay would change if you listened to all of it.


I've seen many people use it the way you use it so that seems fine to me.


lol as you said "previous" this is fine too


Trying works.


I agree.
This was a problem with my essay too--you can't just SUDDENLY realize that actually you like India. This doesn't happen in one day, or one moment. It takes much longer for most people. How you came to realize you liked it should comprise a much greater part of your essay, and it should be believable.


Your usage of "its" is fine. Props, cause a lot of people mess it up :)

This is well written and thoughtful. I mean, I still feel that your topic is generic, but I already mentioned that and maybe I only feel it because I wrote an essay almost exactly like yours. Also, like I mentioned earlier, you kind of "suddenly" see the good in India. You need to make that bit longer, explain how it happened, so it is more believable. Lastly, when you explain what YOU are doing to improve the conditions, the different things you do don't seem to connect. You should organize that bit better so that it is more powerful; maybe show how each action combats a concern you have with the country (which should have been mentioned earlier in the essay) and how it reaches your goals. Or something. lol.

Good luck!

PS. I stiiiiilll like your first essay the most. :)

^Thats perfectly fine. I am just a teenager like most of you, and am in fact in the process of applying to Universities as the rest of you. What I am offering in my posts are my suggestions, my input and my opinions. These are not corrections as such. These can be correct suggestions though. 'Corrections' are made by the moderators on this site, because they are qualified and experienced enough to make them.


^Fair enough. However, how certain are you that these people have used it correctly as well.

These three things alone can inundate a person.
^How can three things flood a person. Perhaps a person's mind. Regardless, I still do not think that the word 'inundate' is used correctly here.


^Yes. This deserves to be lolled at. When I read, once in a while, the words get jumbled up. I guess this is just one of those times. I misread. My bad and my apologies.


^Actually, you can just suddenly realize. It does not have to take a period of time to realize something, as realizations do tend to be instantaneous. My point is that there is no description as to how the realization came about. In my opinion, this 'sudden' realization weakens the narrative. So much so, that it looks like as if the realization is fake and just inserted there, just to make the essay. (Again, this is my opinion)

This is how I understood the essay from the narrative:
-I did not like India. It is dirty, too many people etc.
-I have read reports. India is a thriving economy.
-Let me look around
-I love India.
-Yay.
^It just does not seem real. Maybe it was, and this is exactly how it happened, however the essay does not quite add life to this experience, and that is why I feel that the 'sudden realization' needs to be developed.


^I was not questioning the usage of the word 'its'. I was questioning, what does 'its' refer to. If you look back, you too may wonder what does 'its' actually refer to.


^I guess that it the point I just made. Anyways, I developed my point, so collectively, our points on this should be useful.

*By the way, I just want to say, if you are doing the significant experience here, what is the significant experience?

Really?? How come you never put any of your essays up?


Then you were questioning the usage of the word its, weren't you? ;) Anyway, since you bolded just the t and the s I thought you were referring to its lack of an apostrophe. lol.

Also, are you Indian? You seem to know a lot about India.

^Haha, well I have completed 97 percent of my essays. However, in my experience, it is the final 3 percent, which involves all the fine tuning and tweaking, that is the most important. So I have yet to completely finish that 3 percent.


^When I edited my post, I wondered if you would catch on to that and point out that I was questioning the 'usage'. I guess you did eventually. lol. Yes, I was questioning the usage to some extent. lol. I just was too lazy to edit that part to be honest =p

Strange. I did not know I portrayed a great deal of knowledge about India actually. I thought I had just posted basic general knowledge about the country. Ill take it as a compliment that my knowledge on India, is in fact, not bad :)

Thanks for your comments guys!!
kritipg- I read your first essay and totally realized what you are saying. However, what Sean and some others said was that my first essay was about my small experience- the one about tutoring. I liked that essay too, but I agree with them because it is a VERY common topic. But, the other topic I wrote about was common too (india and stuff) so, I am really unsure about what to do. I am in India right now, so I guess that's one of the reasons why it was easier to write about that and my experiences here.

I have been reading online and I think that I might end up writing a TON of essays (even just the personal statements) before I really find the one I love.

I was thinking of staying with the topic- significant experience, etc.
What do you guys think about these other possible topics?

1. A woman's cancer story- I overheard it and the impact and almost terror it brought to me was even more powerful to me- she had an amazing enthusiastic disposition even though she was literally like 90 years old

2. I saw a documentary on cancer after that: Crazy Sexy Caner could that be a possible topic? Probably too weak even though I was really moved by her positive attitude

3. Talking about how I learned that times are changing and that it is equally important to keep a hold on those childhood memories as it is to embrace the present and future. I would start off by describing the swing my grandparent's house has that has ALWAYS been there, but how it has been worn away and how its surroundings have changed. Maybe show me sitting on it every summer and how it would change every time.

4. About my working at the Women's Safe House, I just went once for helping them wrap presents- however, I was there for about 15 hours and I thought that the women, many of whom were burned by their husbands, were really powerful too. We did not speak, but there was a sort of unspoken communication between us of gratefulness for life and a new beginning

5. Also, I was driven to my lab internship every day in New Delhi, and I saw the same person driving one of those "bike-drawn rikshas" he wore the same clothing everyday and would bike up a HUGE hill everyday right next to me. It really showed me the value of persistence and personal drive.

Let me know which would be best to you
thanks- all your comments really get my noggin thinking!

hey

Number 4 looks good, and unique. Any of these topics work, one can write about ANYTHING, but you have to be inspired and write well. I've found the way you can tell is you sit down to write a draft and you write it all through in like 30 minutes. When that happens to me I know I've done a good job and mean what I am writing. When you have to painstakingly construct it bit by bit, with little revisions along the way, it gets bland, generic, and loses your voice.

And I wish people would reconsider what they said about your first essay. Maybe it is a common topic, but it was very beautiful. And in your own voice. Another person on this forum said that your first "reaction" is the most sincere--I agree completely. When you put it up, I am sure you felt good about it. That's what matters the most. Even if the second one is a slightly less common topic, the first one is just better, in my opinion. It needs revisions, but I don't think the topic itself needs to be revised.

Whereabouts in India are you? Now that I live here I go to school in Delhi.

I actually just left Delhi and will be heading back to the US soon kritipg
I think its really brave of you to be able to manage the change of going to school in New Delhi. Good Luck I am sure you will be great!!

Thank you! That's really kind of you to say. Good luck to you too, hope you'll continue to post revisions and essays here!