Hello Everyone!
What we have here today is one of two 200 word essays for my statement of intent to the University of Florida. I tried not to be redundant between the two essays and hope that I brought plenty of unique information about myself to convince admissions.
My concerns:
-This paper is 29 words over the limit and I am having trouble trimming it down.
-Is there enough info or am I too focused on only a couple things?
-Does the essay start too abruptly? Do I need to bridge the reader with the topic at hand?
I am going to include my other essay ONLY as a reference, so you guys can see what information has already been stated:
My other essay(Only to be used as reference):
Topic - The skills and knowledge I hope to acquire in my chosen degree are... And I plan to apply these when I graduate by...
Ever since I was enthralled by anime's style, pacing, and language, I have gone on to explore more about Japanese culture. Their language's clear syntax and history in particular caught my eye, specifically Hirohito's role in the making of modern Japan.
At UF I hope to build upon my passion for Japanese history and language by taking advantage of an internship at Morikami Museum and Garden. During my second year I would like to study abroad at Kansai Gaidai University utilizing my understanding of the culture and language to engage in meaningful cultural exchanges and develop relationships that last even after graduation.
Upon graduation I would like to pursue teaching English in Japan. I want the Japanese people to have an opportunity to learn from a native to better share my language and culture, and to promote communication in Japan. Despite taking six years of English, many Japanese people can't speak the language. I would address the problems I believe are most affecting this such as the lack of reinforcement of the material, lack of engagement in class, and convince my students the importance of learning a language like English in the world.
The essay I am in need of help with:
Topic (200 word limit): Please provide any other information about yourself that you feel will help this college make an admission decision. This may include work, research, volunteer activities or other experiences pertaining to the degree program.
At 18, I began my journey through the Japanese language naively. Like any other youth at my age, I turned to the internet where I found a mentor by the name of Koichi. He had a blog called Tofugu, which was where I found out how to study the language. I picked up numerous resources and have dedicated time to each of them daily. Such resources as Wanikani, an online mnemonic based kanji learning system; iknow.jp, another Japanese learning website dedicated to vocab; the Genki series, textbooks for my grammar; language shadowing, an audio based practice for listening comprehension and speaking; and lastly Lang-8, a website that allows language exchanges in the form of journal entries.
After some time with this study routine, I became complacent; knowing this, I sought out the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test). I registered in November for the December test located in Boston. This new challenge galvanized me into studying harder than ever before. I still await the results, but now that this obstacle has come and gone I am hungry for more. I found an opportunity that would raise the bar yet again. The WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity on Organic Farms) program. I plan to travel to Osaka, Japan this summer. I intend to continue pushing myself and hope to find more opportunities such as these at the University of Florida.
What we have here today is one of two 200 word essays for my statement of intent to the University of Florida. I tried not to be redundant between the two essays and hope that I brought plenty of unique information about myself to convince admissions.
My concerns:
-This paper is 29 words over the limit and I am having trouble trimming it down.
-Is there enough info or am I too focused on only a couple things?
-Does the essay start too abruptly? Do I need to bridge the reader with the topic at hand?
I am going to include my other essay ONLY as a reference, so you guys can see what information has already been stated:
My other essay(Only to be used as reference):
Topic - The skills and knowledge I hope to acquire in my chosen degree are... And I plan to apply these when I graduate by...
Ever since I was enthralled by anime's style, pacing, and language, I have gone on to explore more about Japanese culture. Their language's clear syntax and history in particular caught my eye, specifically Hirohito's role in the making of modern Japan.
At UF I hope to build upon my passion for Japanese history and language by taking advantage of an internship at Morikami Museum and Garden. During my second year I would like to study abroad at Kansai Gaidai University utilizing my understanding of the culture and language to engage in meaningful cultural exchanges and develop relationships that last even after graduation.
Upon graduation I would like to pursue teaching English in Japan. I want the Japanese people to have an opportunity to learn from a native to better share my language and culture, and to promote communication in Japan. Despite taking six years of English, many Japanese people can't speak the language. I would address the problems I believe are most affecting this such as the lack of reinforcement of the material, lack of engagement in class, and convince my students the importance of learning a language like English in the world.
The essay I am in need of help with:
Topic (200 word limit): Please provide any other information about yourself that you feel will help this college make an admission decision. This may include work, research, volunteer activities or other experiences pertaining to the degree program.
At 18, I began my journey through the Japanese language naively. Like any other youth at my age, I turned to the internet where I found a mentor by the name of Koichi. He had a blog called Tofugu, which was where I found out how to study the language. I picked up numerous resources and have dedicated time to each of them daily. Such resources as Wanikani, an online mnemonic based kanji learning system; iknow.jp, another Japanese learning website dedicated to vocab; the Genki series, textbooks for my grammar; language shadowing, an audio based practice for listening comprehension and speaking; and lastly Lang-8, a website that allows language exchanges in the form of journal entries.
After some time with this study routine, I became complacent; knowing this, I sought out the JLPT N4 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test). I registered in November for the December test located in Boston. This new challenge galvanized me into studying harder than ever before. I still await the results, but now that this obstacle has come and gone I am hungry for more. I found an opportunity that would raise the bar yet again. The WWOOF (World Wide Opportunity on Organic Farms) program. I plan to travel to Osaka, Japan this summer. I intend to continue pushing myself and hope to find more opportunities such as these at the University of Florida.
