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"My work experience: A Salesman"-Common Application Personal Essay.



GHS2UChicago 3 / 13  
Oct 19, 2009   #1
A rough draft.

Please any comment, grammar, structural, punctuations, new vocabs to make a stronger sentence.

Anything please!!! Good or Bad. Anything. I have work 3 days on personal essays now, so I would appreciate any comments. Even if you guys think it's so bad that I have to rewrite the whole thing, I won't mind.

A Salesman

I'm merely another salesman trying to sell myself, truly. I will just be as blunt as a drunk man, since it is not the right time to be humble.

There is a wise saying in China says that a country can't survive without a leader for just a day. Perhaps, it was the truth of this saying gave me the opportunity to be in charge of a Buffet Restaurant as a teenager, though, I wouldn't consider myself as a leader yet. Or it could be the reputation of my father.

On a particular night of 2008, Ms. Zhong, owner of the restaurant and my father's best friend, asked me if I would like to work for her. She needed someone capable speaking both English and Chinese."Sure, why not." I said without asking her what job it was, since I was already looking for a job.

"Ok, great, you will be in charge of the restaurant when your cousin isn't working then, about once or twice a week." My cousin, who is just one year older than me, is the real manager of the restaurant.

"Hold on a second," my father interrupted "are you sure, Zhong? I don't think he can handle it"

"Yea, I can," I said ignorantly "I have lived by myself for years."

"This is different, I know you are capable of taking care of yourself, but we are talking about managing a restaurant here, even though, it's just for a day or two."

"Yea, yea, yea, What can happen in a day or two?"


Due to my smartass talking in Chinese; my father gave up and I got the job.

The opportunity was rare. But the job was not easy; my father was right. I learned a lot over the course of the year, though. There were times I had no clue what to do: workers' conflicts, free riders, disrespects, and accidents. Who would thought so much could happen. All of these I had never faced before, but were forced to make decisions right on the spot. To this day, I still ponder over what had happened and did I make the right decision.

The most unforgettable one was the disrespect from one of the coworkers-sushi chef. When a customer didn't know what kind of sushi he had purchased came up to the register; I didn't know what to charge him for, so I went to ask the chef. But he just ignored me. I got mad that instant, and almost yelled at him, but I didn't. I just charged the customer for the lowest priced sushi and ignored the chef. For the rest of the day, I could not stop thinking about that. After I got off from work at 10, I wanted to call my dad, but he was busy back in China. Instead, I called my uncle, and asking him for advice. I told him what happened, and he was very kind in giving me advice. He told me under those situations, there were only two options: fire him or pretend it never happened. How can I pretend it never happened? And I wouldn't want to fire someone just because he might had a bad day or something. Unsatisfied with his advice, I scoured the internet for hours looking for more fair and just advices. I came out with nothing. Then the stupid me actually went to yahoo answers asking for advices, cause it matters not where the sources of the ideas but the importance of the ideas. Whether it's from children, cab drivers, or anyone. Again, I got no answers. I resolved that I should talk to the chef, but was afraid of making things worse. So the next day, I asked my cousin for advice, she told me basically the same thing my uncle did. Again, I was not satisfied, yet I had to give up.

For days, I reflected on what could have cause the disrespect. Was it because I was too young? Or Was it because I somehow got the job through "connection". No, these weren't the reason. It was because of my own inexperience. I should have learned more about each area of the restaurant, not just my area.

Things slowly faded away, the chef no longer works here. But I still go to Barnes and Nobel, reading books on work places and business for future references. I would never forget that experience, it will always serve as a reminder. One should not let any mistake slip through, because they are the milestones of success.

OP GHS2UChicago 3 / 13  
Oct 19, 2009   #2
I don't mind if you guys think I should choose something else to write about, if this essay isn't good.

Please tell me what you garner(a new vocab I learned from this site :)) from my essay, so I can tell if it is what intended to show about my self.
lmy125 4 / 12  
Oct 20, 2009   #3
I will just be as blunt as a drunk man, since it is not the right time to be humble.

Sorry, I don't understand this sentence....

capable speaking both English and Chinese.

I think it should be "capable of speaking"

since I was already looking for a job.

maybe "I am looking for a job all these days" is better

Due to my smartass talking in Chinese;

it sounds weird..

The opportunity was rare. But the job was not easy; is there any logical relation between these two sentences?

There are other grammar mistakes.. I think you should revise this essay.

About the experience, I think you may show how you handled it but not tell. The narrative is a little bit pedestrian. Btw, how you resolved the problem you met at the end?

Best luck :)

PS I'm from China.:)
hera246 3 / 10  
Oct 20, 2009   #4
First of all avoid the use of slang in your essay. Whatever it is.
If you write your narration in standard English, that might improve your essay.
There are many grammatical mistakes as well.
You can describe personal experiences, but you need to be precise.
jinu9104 2 / 2  
Oct 20, 2009   #5
Needs a lot of corrections, especially grammar.
Better get checked with your english teacher.
It will be better if you can describe your experience in more detail.
OP GHS2UChicago 3 / 13  
Oct 20, 2009   #6
lmy125
It's all true...though... I have been working personal essay roughly about 30 hours over the past 4-5 days, the thing is I know I'm suppose to show but how? I always have diffculty showing... I don't think it's the right time for me to take risk to try...

hera246
Thank you, I will try my best...
jinu9104
I will go check with my teacher but I want get my best draft before I ask him for help.
qomoco 24 / 104  
Oct 30, 2009   #7
it's good, it shows you are persistant, hard working. That you won't give up on things easily until you get the right "answer."


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